Sorry for the temporary 'dropout'.

I've had a lot going on in the last week, most of it bad. I don't want to discuss it, as it's more or less futile and I'm still angry over a lot of it. Sorry. Maybe one of these days when it all doesn't matter to me so much, I'll open my mouth about it but until then, you take what you get.

No Friday meme today. The subject is quite frankly boring (collaborations? who gives a rat's ass, doesn't it always happen anyway?) and I'm not really in the mood much to answer questions about anything.

This week has not been a good week. I've been quite ill for most of it, it's not going away, plus the above-mentioned situation is digging under my skin at the same time, so I've not been a happy camper nor have I been easy to deal with.

I've lost 10 pounds in the last week alone. Good news that I have, but bad news as to how I did it.

Anyway. Tomorrow is Saturday and I can get some of my frustration and anger out on the exercise machines. I'm so looking forward to that, because with the way I feel right now, that elliptical is toast.

I'll write later if I feel better. At this rate, I won't be writing until next April, but we'll see.

p.s. I received three Emails within an hour of writing this post asking me if they were the ones I was upset with. The answer is no. If I am upset with you. you will know. Trust me when I say this. I will, in time, get over my anger as I always do because I'm basically a soft-hearted patsy, and the world will spin round on its axis and everything will be fine. In the meamtime, I've soothed myself with retail therapy, including pre-ordering a copy of "Inglorious Basterds", which in my eyes is the film of the year, as far as I'm concerned. As for me, I will be perfectly fine, I assure you. I appreciate the concern. I'm not all right... right now. But I will be.

I think that I need to really take stock and review how my life's going. I don't know if I try to aim for too much or what, but I just have such a low, low tolerance for frustration... and for forgiveness. It seems that whenever anyone does me wrong, or what I perceive is a wrong, I just cut them loose, for good, I don't even stop to think about it. I think it's because I just have this zero-tolerance policy as far as someone hurting me is concerned. I've let a few people slide way more than they should have on this. And some I have cut loose without them doing much of anything to deserve it. I know that. I just really don't see how to stop it, because I pretty much expect everyone to hurt me before they even begin.

So much for me not talking a lot, huh.

I wish that I could be more of an adult about shit. I'm almost 38 now and I still approach things like a teenager (which could be a good thing sometimes, but in this case it isn't). One of the things that really, really hurt me in the above-mentioned situation was that I was accused of acting like a child. Well, thanks, I understand that sometimes I do, but if you'd been through the horrendous fucking things I have in my life (and you should know because I've told you about all of them, so you don't have much leeway where that's concerned), how do you move beyond self-protection? That's what it is - self-protection. It's making damned sure that you, that nobody else, will never hurt me again.

Folks, I haven't begun to outline the things that have happened to me in my lifetime. You only know some of it, I haven't scratched the surface. There's been abuse on almost every level. There's been rape. There's been molestation. In every corner of my life, there has been pain and hurt and anger that simply isn't, hasn't been, resolved. Is it any wonder that I react like a child sometimes? How would you handle my life if you were in my shoes? Think about it - hard. Some of you wouldn't make it. Some of you wouldn't begin to make it, you'd be screaming the heebie-jeebies before you got to age 10. I find it almost laughable, really. I fucking dare you to live my life and come out on the other side stronger. Go for it! 99% of you would lose.

Heh, sorry. It's obvious the anger is beginning to come out now, and maybe that's a good thing, really. I already feel a little better.

Sorry for yelling. Comments are welcomed, if you feel like it.