It just occurred to me...

...sitting here on the train, that I've lived in a solitary, painful world for most of my life. Why is this a new revelation, you might say? Well... I guess that this whole thought process began while I was listening to my music and thinking about the events that transpired this weekend - which honestly wasn't all that much, just homework, therapy as always, and brunch with a friend on Sunday morning. But, during that brunch, I listened to my friend's plans of philanthropy - getting out into the world and making a difference for other people.

Now, at the time, I just kind of shrugged it off, as overly positive people tend to annoy the crap out of me, heh. But the more that I thought about that conversation, the more that I realize that I've been so closed off. I've never really felt too positive about anything, and I'll be honest - I used to feel guilty about that, guilt that I didn't have it in my heart to help others out or even to much care about whether other people did.

However, I've come to the realization that I can't start helping others out until I help myself. Until I'm further along in my healing process, I have to accept the fact that, for right now, I'm not going to be much good to anyone in that philanthropic sense. It's honestly a wonder, I think, that I still feel any sense of compassion at all, given the things that I've been through.

I plan on starting a volunteer position at BARCS around Christmastime. It's not really that much in the grand scheme of things - I'll be helping out homeless animals, setting up cats and dogs with potential adopters, that sort of thing. But it won't make me feel totally useless, I suppose, and it's a step in the right direction. That's really all I can manage right now as far as "helping out the world" is concerned. But maybe that's enough.

I have a long, long road back to sanity, still. It gets so tiring sometimes.

Little things make me realize that I'm so far away from achieving "normalcy" still. For example, when I was waiting to be seen at therapy yesterday, I was leafing through the doctor's pile of waiting room magazines - mainly because I was bored out of my skull and I like to read, heh - but it occurred to me that I hadn't even looked at a magazine since... I can't even remember when. Not even online. It's a small thing and maybe not really that important, but it's one of those things that make me wonder just how "out of touch" with my surroundings I really am. If that makes sense.

Bah. Sometimes I wonder if any of my rambling makes sense, heh.

Off to work.