Leave me alone.

I’ve been debating on whether or not to write another post, or indeed even continue with this blog at all. It seems a douchebag move not to, I guess, but circumstances have happened over the last few months where I’m starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with certain people knowing my thoughts or feelings. That’s bad, really, as it’s a move away from the sociability that I wanted. However, it could also be a sign that I’m starting to turn away from the situations and the patterns that made me the person I was, if one wants to approach it from a positive view.

So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.

Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.

In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.

There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.

I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.

I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.

It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.

End of discussion.