I have felt a range of emotions today, most of them not good. From disconnection to anger to intense sadness, I've been through the wringer. I guess that this trip wasn't so good for my psyche after all, because I've been an emotional (and to a point, physical) wreck ever since. It's hard when you're criticized for 9 days straight and can't seem to get away from it... also hard to hear praises on high being heaped upon your sibling constantly at the same time.
I've given up ever thinking that my family will be anything but toxic to me. I'm not going to try anymore to gain their approval or their love. What's the point? It only gets me into a world of hurt. I don't even want anything from any of them anymore - no financial help, no contact, no nothing. I will do the basic minimum that I have to, and no more. I've taken major, major steps back in my emotional health and I can feel it.
It's times like this that I just want to drop everything and run away - to start over in a new place, new environment, where no one knows me and I can be who I am without any judgments or recriminations. But alas, this is real life and I can only 'escape' so much. Isn't that what I've tried to do all of my life? Escape?
In a way I'll be glad to go to work tomorrow - at least it's routine. I can go back to routine and just... try to repair the damage done.
Sorry for the "downer" post... not that I feel anyone's listening, anyway. I asked the question on my Facebook the other day, who would miss me if I never came back...
I got one response. That's right... one. At least that one person said something, and for that, Warren, I thank you...
I'm seriously about to just become a hermit. I won't get hurt that way....
3 comments:
Travel and trips can be stressful to begin with, even happy ones, so it doesn't surprise me you are suffering a bit now that you are getting settled back @ home. You've written a lot about your relationship with your mom, and I think the thing to remember is that just b/c someone is related to you, that doesn't make them your family. You have to hold those people in your biological network to the same standards you hold everyone else. If they treat you like crap, don't let them do it and remove yourself from that relationship b/c they've lost their privleges. Honestly. I had to do that for a number of years with my mother. On another note, I would miss you a lot! Apparently I didn't see your comment with all the MW stuff. :)
Remember, Facebook is hardly a reflection of reality, more a badly done caricature. Unless you post constantly you get lost in white noise. And I believe those who would miss you would rather show it in other ways.
i totally agree about the blood relation not always = family.
those that love and care about you unconditionally.. THOSE people are your family. like me!!! sista cherbear!! lol love you!!
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