I've not felt too upbeat or positive the last couple of days. As usual, it comes from watching other people be cheery, happy, merry, looking forward to the holiday, blah blah. The only thing that I have to look forward to is a day alone in front of the television, and I know it.
Sometimes I just get so angry when I think of the things that other people are so lucky to have - family, friends, people to share occasions like this with.
I've been trying so hard to move on from my past and to deal, slowly, with the things that have been haunting and hurting me, and trying to be good about not projecting anger onto other people (especially those that haven't had a thing to do with what's happened to me). But, goddamnit, it's so hard today just not to cry and think, why me, what have I done to deserve this shit, does anyone even really give a fuck.
I know that this is just temporary, that this will pass, that I will eventually be all right. It's just so hard sometimes to go on, knowing that I have to rebuild what is essentially destroyed.
This is why I haven't wanted to deal too closely with the Christmas holiday, but now that it's merely a week away, it's getting shoved down my throat with the parties and the decorations and the constant holiday "specials" on television and the bullshit music, all of that. I'm sick of hearing about it. I wish that I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up 2 weeks later.
Anyway. Sorry for the downbeat post tonight. At least I'm not sitting in a hotel room in Ocean City and contemplating drowning myself in the surf. That's a step up, at least, isn't it?
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