Learning and how to be a child again.

I was bad and took the day off of work today because of doctor's appointments. It's been a rather lazy kind of day, and I've been resting, recharging my 'batteries' if you will. Had a good therapy session today - although I didn't feel like I got a lot out, it went all right with little drama. Afterwards, I went outside and for some reason... I got the "wild" idea to take my shoes off and walk barefoot through the grass. It was such a nice day outside and I thought... "You know, I haven't done this since I was a little girl... just walked through the grass barefoot like this." It felt weird... but at the same time, good. The grass was wet from the recent rains we had, so it was cold and ticklish on my toes. Couldn't help but giggle a little.

Now, this might seem sad to you all, that I'd devote an entire paragraph to my 'discovery' of walking through a patch of grass barefoot. But it struck me afterwards... that it's a simple pleasure, one that I haven't experienced in a long, long time. I was always too afraid of stepping on a bee or into an anthill or something similar. But I decided, just for once, to put the fear aside and do it. It didn't last long, and it hasn't changed my life any... but the effects are long-lasting. I feel good about myself tonight. I feel like a child again, where the world is open and anything is a possibility. Just even saying that tends to bring tears to my eyes, because I've lived for so long under a black, angry cloud... where I've felt nothing. Now I'm starting to feel everything. It's frightening, to be sure... but somehow exhilarating at the same time.

I did have a bad moment earlier when I hauled out the sewing machine. I am determined to attempt to learn how to sew - it's a hobby that I've always wanted to do and just never had a chance to learn or have anyone teach me. My problem with learning anything new is that if I tend not to pick it up right away, I get very frustrated - and frustration is one of my hot buttons, it leads to anger and sometimes even violence if I get angry enough. But I eventually calmed down... and tried again. I think that I'm at least beginning to learn the basics - and I even managed to practice on a piece of paper. My seams are surprisingly straight. This is an accomplishment.

I guess I'm so afraid of failure. I've been told that I'm a failure all my life, so naturally when I don't do well at something the first time, it just echoes in my head. It's hard to ignore those preprogrammed messages - but Goddamn if I'm not trying.

Ah, well, that's about all for today. I'm just going to enjoy this weekend, probably being as lazy as I want, but hopefully I'll be able to get some things accomplished. We'll see.

Cheers.