An open letter to the people I serve at work.

I know that one of the conditions of your probation or parole is to give a urine sample for drugs. I also know that this is the last thing you want to be doing - I totally get that. Did you know that in the course of a day, I do little things for you all that help the process go by easier for you? I have an idea.. let's work together so that the process goes easier for both of us. Want to know how you can do that? Great.

Have a look at the following suggestions. Feel free to use one or all of them. I won't mind a bit.

1. Come in on time. That's right, it helps greatly when you all don't bum-rush us starting at 6:30 at night all the way up to closing time. We're open for 12 hours a day. Some of you don't have employment - so in truth you have no excuse whatsoever. We work hard and we like to go home to our families and friends at night, just like you do. If you do, however, decide to be rude and come in during the last 15 to 20 minutes we're open - don't expect a warm welcome or a big smile, because you won't get it. We're tired, and we want to leave. That leads us to suggestion #2...

2. Give your sample and leave. Don't engage us in conversation in the bathrooms. You're not supposed to be talking in there anyway, it's considered a distraction. And to be frank, we're not interested in what a bitch you think your parole officer is, or your complaints about how you have to do this every week/month. We didn't put you in the position you're in - you did. Don't blame us for your stupid actions. We also know you have friends out there in the waiting room - a sad thing in itself - but we don't appreciate the loud music or the cell phones blaring the latest 'gangsta' hit or the gossiping that you all seem to do while you're there. Your requirement is to pee and leave - that's it, thanks, no more is necessary.

3. Have some pride. Seriously, folks, this one isn't hard. When you're a child, you're taught to flush the toilet. Please do so. I take back over 200 people per day - that's a lot of urine. No one wants to see your offerings in the toilet when we come in there, okay? That's just trifling, if you want to put it bluntly. I don't want to see your piss, or your used tampons floating in the water, I don't want to see crumpled paper towels on the floor, I don't want to have to apologize to the next customer that comes in there with me because you couldn't clean up after your nasty self. Hygiene is a fucking basic - I don't care how many drugs you've done, you know better than to do that shit in your home, at least I hope you do. Don't do it here either.

4. Don't argue with me; you'll lose.
This one is simple. You're there because you're on probation or parole. You're there to serve your time and to pay for what you've done wrong. Therefore if I tell you that you need to do something - you do it. Period. No arguments, no whining, no bitching. I run the show here, not you. If I have people waiting in line to submit their samples, you don't get moved to the front of the line on a whim. If I need a new picture of you, you're going to do it - if you don't, you don't test, and you can explain that to your parole officer when you're sanctioned for not doing what you're supposed to. If you need paperwork for me to process you, you'll get that paper before I do one thing to your record. You don't get it? You don't test. That's it - no argument. This is your life I'm handling here - if you don't have enough respect for your own life, that's not my problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going to get into trouble for your stupidity.

5. Do something with your life. I see too many of you on a daily basis wasting away. Get out there and do something. Can't find a job? Go back to school, they're offering financial aid and Christ knows that you all qualify, I work for a living and can't get shit so you sure have no excuse. Take advantage of the help that we're offering you. Don't sit on your ass and do nothing all day, because that's called being a parasite - and I'll be damned if you're going to feed off of me. The drugs might be tempting, but look where it got your dumb ass - in here, giving me a urine sample in a filthy bathroom. How's that working for you?

Like I said... feel free to follow these suggestions. You might find that your life will improve greatly if you do. And for those that would ignore my advice... fine by me, but you'll be in my unit year after year after year giving me urine, so get comfy, you'll be in the system a long, long time.

'nuff said.