Ugh, I just can't win!

Not too long ago, I was complaining that everything was going too slow, that I couldn't seem to get my life moving. Now it's going too fast. I'm starting to lose control of things again, but it's not because of depression. I have increased responsibilities at work, my classes this term are very difficult, I have to make time for therapy on the weekends... and my down-time is squeezed to almost nothing.

I'm starting to burn out.

I failed a biology quiz this weekend, and my web design class... well, I won't even go into that. The guy is a total idiot. Unfortunately, I can't drop it because my financial aid will be in danger, so I have to make the best of it. I will tell you now that I absolutely hate these two classes, both of them. I don't need the web design so much, but I DO need the biology, so I have to try the best I can to pass this shit so I don't have to take it again.

I shouldn't be panicking over failing one quiz. But I admit that I haven't been preparing for this stuff as much as I should. I just don't have the time to devote to this as I once did - but how do I quit now? I'm already nearly ten thousand in the hole for school loans, I'm going to quit now and not get anything out of it? It's not happening.

I'm just going to have to MAKE time, I don't have a choice.

It's funny, but when I was a lot sicker than this, I wasn't concerned over it. Now I'm "better", but panicking. Again....I just can't win.

I've been kind of frustrated these past few days. I don't really know what's going on with me, to be honest. It's not a depressive attack and I don't feel one coming on, but I also don't feel "myself", either. I think I'm scared over this school business. I know I'm not doing very well right now, and I really don't want to fail this shit. But, eh, maybe I need to. That's one of the core problems that I've always had, the fear of failure, because of the approval bullshit connected with that - again, external validation. When am I going to learn that it's OKAY not to be good at everything?

As long as I get a C in these courses, I've passed them. What is the big fuckin' deal?

Maybe it's something to discuss in therapy today, I don't know.

Other than this, though, I'm okay. Nothing of disastrous proportions has happened, heh.