For once, contemplation about social issues...

I've been meaning to write a post about this topic for a while now, but as usual life got in the way. However, as of late, I've been growing a bit disgusted about the attitudes concerning this subject that have been floating around.... so, of course, you know I'm going to shoot off my big mouth about it. :p

That topic is infidelity and relationships. Stop laughing, I've been in my share of relationships and have some experience with this. :p

Warning: the backstory to this is long – but it's worth a read and it'll lead me up to my point eventually.

The backstory that got me to thinking about this subject is this: I've been a “lurker” on a few relationship boards for quite a few years now. It all started when I was living in Georgia and was having trouble getting out of the shack, so I found this forum called, appropriately, Loveshack. It seemed a pretty level-headed place where I could get advice from people that seemed, well, sane. (Loveshack, by the way, deals with everything from parental issues to infidelity to abuse – it's not strictly for the “lovelorn”, per se, at least it wasn't when I was there.) Anyway, I received solid advice about what to do with my situation, I thanked them, and sailed off into the sunset. (Turns out that the advice I got was correct – and of course, I didn't follow it, which makes me wonder why I bothered to ask.) Only, I decided to stay and just read other posts – sort of a learning experience.

They have a forum called “The Other Woman/Man” that used to be really lively (but respectful). Over time, I read something about different “other woman/man” forums that WEREN'T as, uh, nice. Basically, there was (or used to be) a board war between an “other woman” forum (warning: pop-up intensive, make sure your ad blockers are on) and a place that, in their description, “lampoons” the other woman. (If you don't know what that word means, think National Lampoon. You'll get the idea.) Anyhow, I wandered over to both places to check it out for myself – and they weren't kidding, either. There was some nasty stuff exchanged between both places, let me tell you. And as awful as it sounds, I enjoyed every bit of the sparring between the forums. As an outsider with zero stake in which place would “succeed”, it added a bit of a vicarious thrill to my days – here are two sets of people, both of whom should know better, arguing over ethics. On occasion, both sides brought up really good points to think about amidst all of the name-calling and mud-slinging.

(You're probably wondering when I'm going to get to the point. Patience, my child. It's coming.)

I started to read other forums dealing with relationships and infidelity as well, trying to learn for myself about the pain of all sides of the triangle (and there is pain for all three people, I think). There is one particular board for the “BW” (their abbreviation for “betrayed wife”) which is particularly heart-wrenching. And it's made me think over the years about my position on relationships, infidelity, and what I'd want out of such things.

I used to be really nonchalant about this sort of thing. I didn't consider that a relationship particularly meant that I had a rope tied to someone's testicles and all I had to do was give it a pull to “keep someone in line”. I'm really still not that way about things. I think that after all of this reading and thinking, my main objection is if someone lies about their intent – what they WANT to do. “I want to sleep with so-and-so.” Okay, why would you want to do that? Give me a good reason. If I think your reason's solid, go ahead, but you're going to hear how I feel about it first. No, I probably won't like it, but if you have a really good reason that would trump my objections, I wouldn't even attempt to stop you. That's pretty straightforward, I think, and it's something that most reasonable people wouldn't argue with.

I think that a lot of what upsets me about infidelity is this: first of all, I think that a lot of people have the entirely wrong idea about what marriage is supposed to be, to begin with. Over and over, I read on these forums....things like, “he's the love of my life”, “marriage isn't supposed to be like this”, “we used to be so happy”, etc. I can break that down pretty easily – what does one think marriage is “supposed” to be? Marriage isn't a blissful dreamy state where you can ignore the hard, cold facts of life – life sucks, darling. You have to work, pay bills, sacrifice time and energy. If you choose to have children, that's a HUGE block of time and energy that you now must give to another person, and if you don't think your partner's going to be okay with that, best to invest in some birth control, honey. Because I can tell you now – a LOT of people aren't okay with that. And the “we used to be so happy” stuff – how does one know that for sure unless they can read minds? If someone's stepping out on you outside of your relationship, it's pretty obvious they WEREN'T happy, isn't it? That's where communication comes in, and if two people sucked at that BEFORE marriage, it sure isn't going to improve later.

Another thing that I've read constantly on these forums is the aftermath – there's two paths that one could take, which is reconciliation (otherwise known as the mysterious “R” in this world, heh), and divorce. This probably makes me more angry than anything I've discussed so far, because there seems to be a constant pattern with either option. In “R”, the end goal seems to be making the spouse who cheated literally pay for it with the rest of his life – either the betrayed spouse's way, or the highway. Now, I can understand a little of that for a while – but not forever. And a lot of these people that I read about seem to want it just that way, forever. For example, there's often talk about “conditions of reconciliation”, i.e., “this is what you must do in order for me to reconcile with you”. Some things I've read are:

“One of the conditions of R was that he not look at porn...”
“He has to agree to complete transparency (Facebook, Myspace, social networking, computer, phone)..”
“He has to quit his job, as the other woman works there too...”
“I want a completely new bedroom set, I won't sleep on the same bed as the whore...”
“He has to show me that he loves me, say nice things all the time, offer to do for me...”

And etc., etc. Let me address these point by point, as I think that every single one of them is completely ridiculous.

The bit about not looking at porn? Honey, you are in a DREAM world if you think you can stop a man (or a woman, for that matter) looking at porn. First of all, we live in America, last I heard, and a consenting adult has the given right to view or read anything they want – being married to someone who disapproves isn't going to stop them from looking at it if they really want to. And if that's a condition to stay married is that my partner tells me what I can and can't watch? Bye-bye, see you in divorce court. You're supposed to be my partner, not my parent. That is controlling to the nth degree, and it's probably a good reason WHY your partner would cheat in the first place. You don't like porn, fine, find someone else that doesn't like it too, and you're good to go. But no one has the right to tell a person what they can and can't watch or read. I'd be willing to bet that if this person was suddenly told they couldn't watch Oprah or whatever crap show they watch because it's “objectionable” to their partner, they'd blow a gasket. And rightfully so.

Transparency? This one isn't as ridiculous, but it IS suspicious. Why would someone not be transparent with their partner from the very beginning? I have a friend of mine that just married her husband back in July or so, and they are very much in love, happy, expecting a baby. Yet they have separate Facebook accounts, and always have. Why? Because they trust one another. If a couple doesn't have trust in each other enough so that they can have their own bank accounts, their own social networking accounts, etc., what are they doing getting married in the first place?

Quitting their job? Good luck with that in this crap economy. If your partner quits their job, you and the kids that you put ahead of your partner won't have much on the table to eat. Might want to think about that before you let the paranoia take over. I can understand being scared that your partner would take up with the other woman at work again, but if they're truly sorry about what they've done, they won't. You can't make someone be remorseful – they either are or they're not.

And buying the new bedroom, the new truck, the new whatever... that's just plain selfish on your part and quite frankly, I even see it as gold-digging in some respects. Okay, I understand bad memories being associated with a car, a piece of furniture, etc. But that's when you take that object and you make NEW memories associated with it – that's how you get over trauma. They say that if you get thrown off of a horse, the only way to conquer that fear is to get right back on him and try again. Same here. Paint the bedroom walls, screw your partner's brains out on that bed, have the truck detailed with new upholstery and features, etc. But don't just get rid of things because someone “sat” on it. I mean, seriously. When you get on a public bus, how do you know that all of your partners' ex-girlfriends sat on the same seat you're in that very moment? It's ridiculous. Again, controlling to the nth degree.

Showing someone that they love them? How do I even combat this ridiculous statement? No one can be “on” all the time, for one thing. Everyone has moments in their lives where, let's face it, they're just not very lovable, or even personable. I'm thinking that if someone didn't love a person, they wouldn't even stay in the relationship, or consider it – at least that's how I work, anyway, I don't know about other people. There are going to be times where I'm not going to feel like rubbing someone's back or doing the dishes or whatever ridiculous requirement would be expected as a “condition” of reconciliation.

And that's what really frosts my ass about this whole thing – all of these, in one way or another, are CONDITIONS for staying with the person that cheated. If they slip up in any way, shape or form, the betrayed person would yell, “You don't love me! You're cheating on me again! I'm going to leave you! You're a beast, a brute, you're hateful!” Yadda, yadda, yadda!

Jesus, I think I'd RATHER they left than be in a relationship with an axe hovering over my neck. Because that's what this would feel like, to me.

Now, understand – I'm NOT “for” cheating. I'm not at all supportive of people who step out on their partners (assuming that this wasn't okay to begin with – if two people in a relationship want an open thing, that's their business and I'm all for it). If a husband and wife choose NOT to have an open marriage, in my opinion they should both follow that decision. But, if it DOES happen, they both need to sit down and figure out what is going wrong – and it usually happens LONG before the affair does. Communication is the key to everything, after all. If two people sit down and communicate about how they feel, being completely honest about everything – I don't even see infidelity being a possibility. The problem is that people get together, and stay together, for the wrong reasons.

This is why I'm not planning on getting into another relationship until I know for SURE that it's for the right reasons, that it's the right time, and that the person I meet will have the qualities that I need and want. If that means that I will never be in another relationship, then that's the way it will be. I absolutely will not compromise on this, as I've been in too many relationships that have ended horrifically, for all of the reasons that I've outlined above. I've learned that I can get along just fine on my own!

I have more thoughts on this subject, but it's already become too long and unwieldy of a post, so I'll conclude here. But I'd love to hear other peoples' thoughts about this. Am I the only one that feels this way?