I won't beat around the bush with this entry - there's no point to it. Basically, I got into a rather violent confrontation with my mother this evening. What about, right? She started in again about how my brother was having monetary problems and she was sending him money, lalala. Now, I don't care that he's having money problems - aren't we all - but what I DID care about is that she just starts talking about him again. I don't care, I don't give a fuck, I don't want to know. This is what she always does. Every time I talk to her, she mentions him, and she always makes excuses for him no matter what bone-headed thing he does. So I told her what I thought, that he'd made some pretty bad decisions and maybe that was why he was having money problems. Like, say, having 9 cats. Having 9 cats equals a big fucking money drain! "Oh, they've had those cats. They were doing well once, would you get rid of those cats if you fell onto hard times?" Yes, I would, because that's a money drain. "Oh, no, you wouldn't!"
Uhh.... DON'T tell me what I would do. You obviously don't know me.
Then I proceeded to tell her that I wouldn't be so damned foolish as to have 9 cats in the first place. So then the huge question pops up... "Are you jealous of your brother?"
I said no, but you know what? Yeah, I fucking am. I'm jealous that he's gotten all of your love and attention and happiness over the years. I'm jealous that I've suffered from goddamn emotional abuse all of my life while apparently he gets off scot-free. Yeah, I'm fucking jealous. Sue me. Then she said that she's helped me out plenty (she has, I never fucking said she didn't) and that "he's had it hard, and I don't appreciate you criticizing my parenting decisions".
Anyway, that question prompted a furious lecture, to which I laid out everything I was thinking and everything that I'd told my therapist, including how his bullshit girlfriend fucking abused me while she was busy going out marching for peace and love and all of that crap. It was not a pleasant end to the conversation at all. I ended up hanging up on her, something that I have NEVER done. I screamed into the phone that I was busy, that I DIDN'T want to have this conversation (which I had actually warned her earlier not to pursue, which she didn't listen), and that I'm sick of hearing about my brother and don't want to hear anymore. Click.
And then I couldn't stop crying. I just couldn't stop crying, even through a warm shower and huddling up on the sofa in a fetal position. Happy new year to me, indeed.
I'm awake several hours later. I'm sitting here now and while I still feel raw, while there are still tears coming out of my eyes, I won't take it back. For once in my life, I was honest about how I feel. For once in my life, I told it like it is. If that means that she's mad, too bad. Let WonderSon come up here and take care of her for a change - not that he will, trust me. In that, he's like my father, not giving a fuck what his actions wrought, even if it's emotional destruction.
The really ironic thing about the whole situation is that I'm the one that made good. I'm the one that works their ass off at an odious, emotionally-draining job and doesn't ask for a goddamn thing. He's chronically unemployed and living in fucking "paradise" - only his paradise has now soured because my sister-in-law is in a wheelchair and can no longer work so "he's depressed". Awwww. So sorry, but you know what? It's an excuse. He has a goddamn degree from a culinary school, he can go to work at a restaurant somewhere - fuck, he could OPEN a restaurant. The excuse I got from my mother? "He's too old to do that, he can't stand long hours on his feet anymore."
AND I CAN??? I can stand on MY feet for 8 hours a day serving angry, drug-addicted criminals screaming epithets at me, but he can't stand on his feet for a little while cooking food? EXCUSE!!!!!
Yeah, look, I'm sorry for my sister-in-law, being disabled is hard and especially the way she is, but you know what? You take what you're given in life, no matter how little that is, and you do the best with what you have! You get out there and you WORK IT. My sister-in-law is in a wheelchair and has no control over her limbs - so fine, yeah, she's got an excuse. My brother has NO EXCUSE. NONE.
And I'm blue fucking pissed at my mother because she assumes that I'm ungrateful for the help she's given me. Yeah? I'm ungrateful? So how come I just bought her a fucking television set yesterday for Christmas/New Year's? After I had lunch with her the other day? We went to fucking Best Buy and I bought her a television, a nice flat-screen TV. I offered her a larger size TV than the one she bought, as a matter of fact. "I have the money, don't worry about it." Does this sound like I'm ungrateful for the help she's given me? DOES IT? Does my brother, Saint Kelly, have the wherewithal to buy her a TV set for the asking? Huh? I don't hear any fucking answer from the peanut gallery, so I guess the answer is no!
I am not going to put up with any more abuse. If this means she's mad at me and doesn't talk to me for a few days, so be it. She knows there isn't anyone else up here to take care of her needs and get to her instantly, so she's going to have to make it up to me somehow. And even if she doesn't - so what? It's a weight off of my shoulders.
It's time to start living for myself. I am DONE with this fucking guilt-trip bullshit. FUCKING. DONE.
1 comment:
although i don't know the entire situation, one would think that if your wife was disabled in such a way, you would do anything in your power to support your household. secondly, it seems like his "depression" has put him in more of a mental wheelchair right along side of her. can't stand 8 hrs a day? then yeah.. open a restaurant! you have the skills, you only need to be on your feet enough to help tweek your employees, cuz most owners/managers i know sit on their ass most of the day shuffling paperwork anyway.
in a sense it upsets me, because parents sometimes don't realize what enablers they can be. my brother put my parents through financial and emotional hell. while i would have to swallow my pride and cry for $500 to feed my son and keep a roof over our heads, and have to repay them or else, my brother would run up bills, and fines, and even put up a damn $10K bail for him when he violated his parole. they should have left him in jail!! what good did all that bailing out and babying and feeling sorry for him do? he certainly isn't around anymore to repay or say thank you for anything.
i know it's all different, i do get where that frustration is coming from. my sister and i felt that for years as well. we never denied how they helped us, but it got to a point where it's like... c'mon now, the man is an adult, and has obligations. it goes beyond just "helping him out".
that mixed with you flat out asking her in the past not to bring him up, and she insistantly does anyway to me is just lack of respect for your feelings. what good comes out of relaying that stuff to you? what was her point? what sort of reaction DID she expect? i truly feel you were totally in the right for getting your feelings out (finally) and laying it all out on the table. sometimes we hold back all our emotion because we don't want to start problems, but at the same time, when they violate simple requests, they have to know there will be consequences, and in this case, she got to know everything behind why you feel the way you do behind your request to not bring him up.
i know you're upset, but i'm sure there's a place inside that is relieved that you were able to get out all that frustration, and direct it at the person it was derived from, instead of just voicing it in therapy. all we can do is try our best to change ourselves. there are ppl i finally gave up waiting and wanting them to change.
love you hun! big hugs!!!!
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