Lots on my mind, with nowhere to put it.

As usual, I had a bunch of stuff to write about today, but I have no energy to actually do so. Perhaps if I just ramble a bit, it might come to me...

Ah, yes. I do remember thinking today while at work that not all is rosy in the land of D.C. drug testing. Apparently I'm not the only one that's been expressing dislike of my coworkers as of late - just this week, I've heard back-biting and sniping from at least three other people, two of which apparently have a snit with each other. The only difference between them and me, however, is that I keep my sniping to myself (and share it with you all when I get home, hah).

I swear to God, working down there is like working in a daycare center - full of 40 year olds. Fucking sad, I'm telling you.

I'm losing a hellish amount of weight, though. I've lost at least 35 pounds since September, and heading full steam for more. I've not been so light on my feet for quite a while now - it feels really strange sometimes. In some ways I'm really afraid, though.. because I guess I've used my excess weight for a long time as an excuse to keep people away from me, to deflect attention from me. I've never wanted attention, never have craved it, because it's never been a positive thing for me - whether I was "skinny" or not. I wasn't always like this - I have a photograph of me when I was 8 years old, just before the molestation started... and I was not overweight. I was actually quite thin, really. It was only after I was molested... that my troubles began for me. That's how I remember it, anyway.

I was on the phone with my mother this evening, and she said something, I can't remember what, but it was in the vein of reminiscence... and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I don't really know what she said to make it happen, except that it actually sounded like an apology for treating me like she did, and for focusing almost solely on my brother all of these years. But I did. I cried like a baby on that train coming home tonight. I just didn't let her hear it, that's all. Because I know deep down inside that things won't change. She'll still think that my brother is the be-all and end-all of the world.

For once, though.. it was nice to hear that I do matter. Even a little bit.

Heh, for someone that didn't quite know what to talk about tonight, I'm saying plenty, aren't I?

It's all a part of my healing. I'm trying, really hard. Whether it's doing me any good, I don't know... I don't feel any differently. But maybe the people who know me well can see it. I hope they'd tell me if they do.

Just a quick update - it looks like I can transfer 19 credits from my old college to UMUC. That's a lot better than I thought, and I don't have to suffer through English 101 again - thank Christ for that. But I'm still stuck with the fucking math course. Bleargh. More later about that as it develops, heh.

Oh, well. Thursday at the drug unit tomorrow, let the idiocy begin. I hope I can get through it all.

Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.