Another season comes to a close.

I know that summer's been technically over for a couple of weeks, but I always think of the first of October as the true beginning of autumn.  I have mixed feelings about October as a month.  To me, October is the prettiest in both weather and scenery, and it's always been a sort of special time of the year for me.  But on the negative side, October is also the month when I got married, when my ex-husband's birthday is, and when my divorce was final - a life event that ultimately kicked off my illness (or at least caused it to no longer lie dormant within me).  It is a time where I struggle mightily with memories - not that I don't already, but it's monumental right about now.

 

I have discovered that I am in the process of grieving.  That's really where I am right now with everything, from losing people I love to acceptance of my family's various and many shortcomings.  I am grieving the loss of a normal family life, the loss of many friends over the years, the loss of my ex-husband and my marriage, in some ways the loss of my self.  It strikes me that I've never allowed myself to grieve any of these things properly.  I have been spinning from one situation to the next for the last ten years without giving myself an opportunity to really feel the aftereffects of anything that's happened.  No wonder I'm depressed now.

 

I am calmer, after a very rough September.  I think that I've finally accepted certain very difficult facts of life... and have also begun to let go of some of the things that have been paining me for so long.  This doesn't mean that I'm overly happy - I'm still not - but acceptance is slowly coming.  Some of this involves letting people go their own way.  It's not what I want(ed), but it must be, for my own health and quite honestly for theirs too.  And it's not been all bad, as it now forces me to get out there and make new friends, new memories - though as usual it's taking an excruciating amount of time and a good deal of missteps.  But the important thing is that I'm trying, I'm making an effort, and after everything that's happened for the last few years, I think that's pretty damned good.  Maybe that's the best course of action.  I've been living in a bubble for too long.

 

Perhaps I'm realizing that I should be happy for the things that I do have.  I've been climbing the ladder at work, slowly but surely - half of the time I'm doing projects in the back office for the supervisors now - and I'm still doing quite well in school despite all of the emotional turmoil.  I have a place to live and lay my head, and it's paid for on time, every month, no matter what.  I have money for little luxuries I might want and need.  I'm doing well, all things considered.  Those who don't want to be with me for the ride - they're the ones that lose, not me.  If I can keep reminding myself of that, I've got it made. 

 

I'm learning to live for myself, to make myself happy.  2011 will be very different from the past few years, I can promise that much. 

 

Are you along for the ride?  Because if you're not... you'd best eat the dust I leave behind.