And just like that....a complete 180.

I am seriously beginning to wonder if my mental problems aren't more than just simple depression/MDD. As horrible and suicidal as I had felt only a couple of days ago, I feel perfectly fine today, and yes, even semi-good. Something is seriously wrong with me - I know it deep in my gut. But no one can seem to get to the reason WHY, despite my brief tour of one of the finest mental hospitals in America, heh. There has to be some kind of an explanation as to why these ups and downs are so crippling. Perhaps I'm finally taking the advice that has been shoved down my throat the last couple of days and stopped worrying about everything.

My drive for perfection worries me so much. If I don't get an A in my classes or perform my job the way I think I need to, or if my finances aren't in perfect order, I get so damned upset. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist before, but then I've discovered a great deal of unpleasant things about myself in the last few years. Perhaps this is the whole key to why I can't stand myself - it's because I hold myself and everyone else to impossible standards. It's funny, because that doesn't apply to everything. I could care less about how a person looks, for example - perfection in that area doesn't matter one bit to me. But God help someone if I feel like they've been disloyal or have stabbed me in the back. It's nearly impossible to regain my respect if that happens, and these days it doesn't take much to lose it. It's so hard to get in the first place!

I just don't know how to change this about myself - it's such an integral part of my personality.

Maybe I'm just talking through my hat, as usual, and need this upcoming vacation more desperately than I believe. Who knows.

It's Friday, so not much going on. I'm going to just try and relax as much as I possibly can. This has not been an optimal week for me, what with the mood swings, the bullshit going down at work, and the news about the audit. But, shit, things have got to start looking up, I don't know how much longer I can hold on with sleeping on this fucking sofa. I am not getting younger, here.

Let's hope that the weekend won't be as hectic as this past week has been.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone