Today is my fifth day on the Luvox, and already I'm noticing some improvements. I'm able to talk to people again - about real things now, not just conversational filler such as "uh-huh" and "oh rilly" and "is that right". It's early days. I'm not quite out of the woods yet. But I'm starting to see a difference. I'm not sure if others do, no one has told me so if there is, but ... it's just how I feel, I guess. I've actually said that I would meet one of my friends later in the month for a drink, provided that they get their shit together... this is a move that I couldn't have made even a couple of weeks ago. As far as I'm concerned, that's a huge step. And a good one.
It's been a long, hard-assed road, this depression of mine. It'll be with me for life, I know that, and I may never get off of these meds.. but if I can feel better like this, after so many years of frankly not remembering shit, I'll take them as long as I need to. It's worth it.
As "consciousness" returns to me, I see that I need to not only acknowledge my past mistakes, but I need to maybe start forgiving people instead of holding grudges against them. And maybe the first person that I need to start with is myself. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of, some of which would curl your toes, dear Reader. I've really done some awful things in my life. But... I need to maybe understand that I might have had to do some of those things in order to survive, or to get through. I've probably had this depression since my early teens - certainly all of the signs and symptoms were there, so I've been told. And I believe it. There are portions of my life from those days that I only partially remember. It hurts, a lot. But perhaps I need to start forgiving myself. I've paid my dues, in pain and in tears - so now maybe, just maybe, it's time to let things go for good. What do you think?
Lots of reflection today. I guess that this Luvox stuff has cleared the cobwebs out of my brain, at least for now anyway. I hope that my new-found clarity stays with me... but if not I'll keep trying to find it.
Thanks for listening.
3 comments:
I'm so happy to hear the meds are helping! And AMEN. You beat yourself up so much and value the opinions of ppl that don't deserve the time of day so much that it only makes things worse. You are great, and soon you'll realize that. And staying on the meds is the key. It is no different than a diabetic needing insulin. Your body doesn't make enough (or makes too much) of the wrong stuff so the meds balance it out.
What a wonderfully positive post.
Long may your self-reflection last if this is the result...being a little less harsh on yourself feels good, right?
yay for meds that work! i'm so glad to see it working in a positive "out with the old, in with the new" way! i hope it continues to help! *hugs* that's awesome.
we all need to forgive ourselves when it comes to certain things of the past.. it's the only true way to move forward. love you!
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