Let me preface this post with a simple fact: my mother and I have never gotten along, nor do we get along now if we spend more than say 3 hours at a time together. I already know that if I ever have to live with her again (whether it's because of my having to take care of her, which isn't a far possibility, unfortunately or otherwise), my life would become utter misery. So, before, I'm accused of being an ungrateful brat (which has happened in the past) - try to remember that this is the woman that contributed to my abusive upbringing, even if it was caused by acts of omission.
I've done things over the last few years that have defied description, considering how things have been - I've bought her cruises, I've taken care of her basic needs such as shopping, medical situations, made sure that she's comfortable. People keep asking me why. "Why do you do these things? She's been absolutely horrible to you. Why do you keep sacrificing yourself on her altar?"
Because she's my mother. What can I say? If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here.
I won't mention the fact that I've bemoaned my own existence for a good portion of my life. That's immaterial to the gist of what I'm saying.
No matter what bad shit she's done over the years, or how many mistakes she's made, or how much I wish things could have been different for me - she's my mother. It would go against my personal grain for me NOT to take care of her or do for her. Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist. But it's what I am, and I'd be denying an essential part of myself if I don't extend myself to help her out.
It's not about love for my parent. It's about being who I am. It's about love for myself. If that makes sense.
So, happy Mother's Day, for those of you who are mothers, for those of you soon to be mothers, for those of you who wish you were mothers. This holiday, for me, isn't only about love for Mom... but for me.
Peace.
1 comment:
I totally understand where you are coming from. I know that my birth mother isn't around, and there's still that thing inside me that knows if I knew where she was, I'd at least send a card, even though she hasn't acknowledged me in almost 38 years.
Past and present I've been told I'm a pushover, because I always turn the other cheek, and some thing I just allow people to treat me like shit. I guess all I can say is I've always lived by the golden rule, and the "do unto others as they would do unto you", because in the end, I know I did all I could to let that person know I care(d).
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