After the last few weeks where it's seemed as if everything that could go wrong has, my life has finally begun to settle down once again, which is more than assuredly welcomed at this point. I've had more than enough so-called "excitement", trust me.
I recently revamped my online dating profile(s), though I'm not really sure of why considering that I'm not really looking for any kind of romantic entanglements. I'd set them up because I was hoping maybe that would be a gateway to use to make new friends a long time ago, but for whatever reason, it just never panned out that way. Oh, I got responses - but for one reason or another, I'd just blow them off or not return their Email, etc. I guess that this is on my mind now because I'm starting to get responses once again and, as has been my usual pattern, I'm rejecting everyone who's writing me back. Sometimes for really stupid reasons, too. I don't know if it's because of my intense fear of social connection due to the AvPD, or because I'm not prepared to give up a lot of the freedom and/or autonomy that I've gained since I moved into the house. It's great to know that there's ALWAYS going to be hot water for my shower in the morning, or that I can sleep on the entire bed and not have to fight for "my share" of the blankets, etc., that kind of thing. Except for very rare instances where I'm feeling a little bit lonely (and believe me, that's rare these days), I'm perfectly happy on my own and doing what I want to do. I'm not as angry anymore, although there are a specific few whose recent actions have produced great disappointment and resentment in me.
But I'm trying to remember and understand that I only have control over what I do - not anyone else.
I keep foolishly thinking that there's a person (or people, because one person can't be one thing to anyone - not a healthy way to live and it took me years to understand that) out there who might understand me - or at least the events that have created who I am. My upbringing was just so freaking unconventional and weird. When I meet people, get to know them, I meet people whose parents stayed together, or who have never moved in their entire lives, or people that never had a lot of worries about money or whether they'd eat, people who have never met anyone that wasn't white (yes, I'm serious), people that are so fundamentally different from me that they simply cannot grasp the situations that have made me what I am. I know that I'm probably rambling and not making sense at this point, but.... I don't know how else to put it.
I'm well aware that no two people are alike, and that I cannot realistically expect to meet a person, any person, that has had the exact same experiences I have. But I just feel so damned alone in a world where everyone seems to be the same. The "different" label is still pasted onto my forehead. The girl is still trapped inside the glass box, looking out at life and wanting to be a part of it, but unable to join in because.... she's scared and can't seem to communicate with people on any level because of those differences.
That's me, inside that box there. Can you see me?
Wow, I didn't expect to end this on an "upset" note, but the tears are streaming down as I write this. I guess that this is really the crux of why I need therapy... because I feel like this, and always have. It's like a mental birth defect that I've had to learn to live with.
Sorry for the verbal vomit today. I guess I've just had this building up for a while, and if there's one thing I've learned in the last 5 years, it's that I can't let things fester, or they'll just get that much worse. Besides, if you read this blog with any sort of regularity, you know that it's more or less my "journal", so to speak. 'course, you've probably learned much, MUCH more than you ever wanted to know, heh, but that's the price of being entertained. Snicker.
Things will be better. Things will be better. Things will be better. (repeat, ad nauseum)
2 comments:
c'mon now... this is definitely an emotional topic for anyone that has a heart. the tears are (were) completely normal and warranted! sometimes i think you pushing people away is linked to whether or not you feel your ready for a relationship, and not so much your AvPD. (follow me on this one.. lol) it seemed for me anyways, as long as i wasn't right with myself, i was never good in a relationship. even when i did find someone that wanted to be a part of the craziness that is me, i pushed them away because i didn't feel worthy and my insecurities overtook the entire relationship to where the relationship was based on them constantly having to stroke my ego, instead of being able to sit back, secure in what we had, and enjoy life together. could there be something inside that says, i dont' feel whole just yet, so i don't want to put that on anyone else? just a thought, because that's what i went through.
anywho, i had a friend that did that to himself. he was a bit more extreme, crying constantly about not having anyone (literally crying) and we would talk and talk, because he would pick people that from the outside, you were like WHYYYYY!?!? he picked the same type of girls again and again. insanity i tell you! he was always left heartbroken. after his last breakup, again, we talked constantly. he eventually was able to look at his life and realize that he sold himself short on what he could offer someone. he's happily single now, accepting that, and enjoying his life for the first time IN his life.
i think with all the growth you've experienced with yourself these past few years, you're just not selling yourself short anymore. those "stupid reasons" might be reasons that are just DEAD ON in regards to what you are or would be looking for in a potential date. not a damn thing wrong with that!!! you're just getting better at weeding out the negative!!
No matter what you think there are people out there who have lived similar situations as you. Maybe not the same situations but similar.
Also one thing my mom made me realize in the last months of her life, is that one can be in a satisfying relationship with another person and still live alone. She had met on a cruise she went with my dad, a woman from Chicago who was in her 60's. She lived in her own home and dated a man who lived in his own home right across the street from her.
It was perfect. She could spend time with her family & grandchildren when she wanted, he could do the same, they wouldn't have to put up with each others families if they didn't want to, or with habits they didn't like, but also got to share life. They would go on cruises together, have dinner together most nights, and occasional spend the night at each others place.
Point I'm trying to make is that maybe a traditional relationship woulnd't work for you because of your past and some of your issues, but you can define a relationship in whatever works for you and a potential significant other. If it works and you're both happy then it's no one else business.
It's of course harder to find then more conventional relationship but it's out there. Don't give up. You might have to reject hundreds of candidates on dating sites, and that's OK.
Besides between you and me some men on dating sites hit on everything and see who responds. So there is nothing wrong with you being picky. Even if it seems to be for frivolous reasons. Your subconscious maybe picking up on red lights, that your conscious isn't seeing. Trust yourself.
Between you and me I would rather be friends with you then with someone who had a perfect life, who is clueless as to how hard life can really be.
Yes you've had it hard. The fact you're still here to blog about it means you're a real fighter, a survivor, someone with character. So don't sell yourself short.
Also it's OK to cry. What comes out naturally helps in the long run to make you feel better. It's therapeutic and cathartic.
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