Floundering.

I've been absent for a while as far as writing in the blog is concerned, probably an obvious statement by this point, but it's been ... I don't know, I thought at one time that it was pretty clear-cut as to what's going on - I've been busy.  And it's partially because of that, yes.  But to be honest, I've been in kind of a strange mood the last couple of days.  I don't even really know how to describe it.

 

I've not felt terrible or anything.  But there's, I think, an underlying sense of discontent, of the feeling that I'm being thwarted in my attempts to create this "new beginning" of mine that I've been endeavoring to provide for myself in the last couple of months.  There's nothing that I can really put my finger directly on - it's just a lot of smallish things that are adding up to be a distant, but definitely present, headache. 

 

I still have not received my tax credit money.  I'm starting to lose hope that I ever will see it.  But it's that very fact that I haven't gotten it that's keeping me from doing anything about the house - whether furnishing, decorating, or otherwise.  I've lived in this house for the last six months now and I still haven't unpacked much or done anything with it - and that's because I have no incentive.  Why bother trying to fix it up when I have nothing to fix it up with?  To be fair, I also haven't had a lot of time to do much with it, either.  But the money is a huge problem.

 

I recently met someone that I've been holding Email exchanges with - nothing flirty or anything like that, just friendly back-and-forth.  Up until a couple of days ago, I was thoroughly enjoying such discourse, but... I got a mail this morning and instead of being happy to see it, I just felt.. curiously flat.  Like all of the joy had gone out of it.  I'll answer back, but right now I don't feel overly enthusiastic about it. 

 

I think that some of the reason for my mood might be that I made a connection with a piece of my past that maybe I shouldn't have.  The contact was very nice, but it was a reminder that some things are best left in the past and alone.  I've felt a little down ever since.  Not enough to call it a full-fledged depressive attack, but enough that I felt the need to cry a little bit afterward.  Unfortunately, I still have no clue about what I'm planning to rectify the situation - if I knew that, I'd have done it a very long time ago.  I know I'm being deliberately vague in regards to what's going on, exactly, but I'm still not comfortable sharing it here.  I know that it'll work itself out, it usually does, but I need to learn not to go backward in time.  It's a problem that I still seem to struggle with. 

 

Some good news in that I've won the workplace recognition award, second year running.  Larger stipend this year than last, which I could use about now (as you've read above).  And school, while busy, is taking up a lot of time that I might have spent crying my eyes out over stupid shit that I have no control over.  So that's always a positive. 

 

Also, the start of the holiday season is never a good thing for someone who's depressed.  It's not nearly as bad as it was last year, but it's still a reminder that not much has really changed for me as far as life improvement, at least not on a social level. 

 

At the moment I'm sitting here at work with some crazy asshole mumbling to himself on the bench across from me.  Ah, life in the drug lab.  At least I'm getting some kind of rewards for the last two years.  It's really hard to believe that it's even been that long... I feel like I've been here forever. 

 

I know, I know.  Patience and time.  I know that I'll eventually snap out of this funk, it's just another stupid waiting game, that's all.  Hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind when I write next.