Over the last few days, I've been making stabs at reaching out toward people that I once knew, just to reconnect with them. And I've been finding out that some whom I thought were friends... just aren't. And never were.
On a positive note, I've also found that some whom I thought I could never count on were the ones who were rooting for me all along.
Just to clarify - I don't mean people whom I've been talking with for more than a couple of years - I know I can trust you - so for the three or four of you that are about to go, "Hey, what the fuck here" - I don't mean you, so get your britches out of the twist. :D lol. I'm talking about people that were maybe just casual acquaintances, things like that. I'm talking about people whom, if you message them over an IM or something, to say hello, hey, how are you, etc. - they don't respond, they don't answer you, not even days later.
I find that it makes me doubt my own ability to "read" people. I'm aware that I've never been good at being able to tell who's on my side, but here recently that's really been brought home to me. It makes me sad that I've been wasting my energies on people who just were never worth the time.
I'm getting to the age now where holding on to the few people that care about me means something to me. I know I've been a fickle friend for the last couple of years, with my illness making me act weird and strange and scary - and I'm honestly regretful for that. I'm trying to make up for that, now that I'm on the road to recovery. But if people don't even give me a chance to do that... why should I try, either, you know?
Having depression is tough on not only the mind, but the heart too. You lose a lot of people, either because they don't understand or they're not willing to understand.
The few that have stuck with me - they know who they are - either do understand, or they're willing to see me through what has honestly been the very worst period of my life. And I love them all - that's not something I say lightly, either, as the world tosses the word "love" about like so much salad. It doesn't mean anything anymore - to most people. If I say it - it means something.
So, yeah, I'm now sappy and girly-girl. Fucking DEAL, lol. :D
Anyway, I'm really more irritated than anything else, I think. It's because most people just have the intelligence of a soap dish - and that's insulting the soap dish.
Ah, well. I'll get over it. Those people that would deny me mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, anyway. The best part of them, I hear, ran down their fathers' legs. Heh.
