I received a C in the math course, which is really all that I could have asked for; the total grade was 77 (almost a B, if you can believe that), even though I completely bombed the final exam (57 is NOT a good score, I don't care who you are). The last "difficult" course that I have left to tackle is statistics, which starts in 2 weeks on the 20th - after that, it's all pretty much golden, as I have a tendency to whip up term papers in the space of an hour and still get perfect scores on them, for some reason, heh.
I have the equivalent of ten classes left - five of which I'm taking this semester. After May, I'll be completely finished and .... well, I'll have a college degree, at long last, something that I never thought I was capable of or that I felt I deserved. What's more, I've made the decision to go on to graduate school, specifically at Boston University for an M.S. in criminal justice. Hey, why not go as far as I can go? I may as well, I have nothing better to do with my life, heh!
Things are calming down at work, and I'm starting to learn the ropes - it's slow going because I'm supposed to be taking some training courses, but it'll come eventually. If I could just get a handle on my finances, everything would be golden, but .... bleh, there's always an improvement to be made somewhere. Too many goals/wants in life and not nearly enough money, but, hey - it's a huge change from the days where I had no goals or dreams at all, right?
Greg and I are fine. Greg and kitteh are fine. Kitteh and I are fine. Everything is good.
A quick and probably boring update, but it's way better than the angst-ridden novellas, yeah?
I promised that I would post some information, links, and things about depression that has been written by a friend of mine, Leigh Turgeon. She is currently in the middle of a project called "The Blue Veil". Check it out.
The Blue Veil supports the creation of an external facade, so the inner self, others will never find.
-The Blue Veil, 2012, Leigh Turgeon
Have you ever met someone that just seemed to happy? Well, as I have struggled with depression I have often resented those people, until I realized this one thing. What if their overt and obvious (sometimes sickening) happiness was a façade just like the one I cultivated for my external self every day? What if these people were also hurting inside and not showing it externally? Whether this was true about people or not, I would never know. Just like, I hoped, no one would ever see behind my carefully designed façade. I think they did…if they took the time to look, did they?
To purchase a copy of "The Blue Veil" (well worth it, in my opinion):
It's been whirlwind crazy recently in my life. Trying to get used to a new job and a new routine is exhausting (in a mental sense, anyhow). Physically, I'm a lot less tired - this is pretty much a desk job with a lot of paperwork, but I'm so far enjoying the break in routine. Tuesdays are no longer the hell they once were, thank Christ for that.
However, I can see myself growing restless and bored over time. I'm content to ride things out, see where this is going to take me. I'm certainly in a better stage of my career than I was, and I'm making a little more money, so that can't be all bad.
Otherwise, life continues on as normal. I haven't really had much to say; thoughts whirl in my head like so much confetti, but when it comes time to put them to print/paper/whatever... I just find that it's not really that much of importance that it needs to be committed forever to an electronic or written medium. Mellow now seems to be my metier - if I'm not going to die, it can't be that damned important, can it? I think I'm still a bit too laissez-faire about some things - my financial situation is horrendous and it's only going to get worse - but, screw it. As long as I pay my mortgage and other necessary bills, what's going to happen? Uh, nothing? So my credit will be wrecked, it won't be the first time. I have a roof over my head, electricity,and food on the table, it's all good. Well, that, and paying off the massive school loans that are looming on the horizon, ugh.
Speaking of school, I have only 30 credits left, which equals 2 semesters. Hopefully I've passed this math course - it's touch and go right now. I really don't know how this is going to play out. We'll see, I guess.... sigh. I did call the advisor's office and they'd said that I could still take the stats course even if I got a D, so that's something, anyway.
So at this point I'm just killing time until I can go home. I can't really check stuff like I used to - I'm not comfortable getting on Facebook here because of the location of my desk (basically right where everyone can see me), and the phone reception in here is suck, so I don't really have much of a chance to catch up on other peoples' lives anymore. I did do a massive purge of so-called "friends" not too long ago, and you know what? I don't even notice the difference, that's how little it matters to me. I have my life now - good coworkers (and they ARE nice - compared to the idiots at the lab, these people are a breath of fresh air), a fulfilling (if a bit boring) job, and my relationship with Greg is chugging along, as good as ever. I'm very content.
I allowed my mind to briefly touch on the past, what my life was like this time 5 years ago.... and I shudder in horror. I would never go back to that. You couldn't PAY me to go back to that. I am so, so, so, so glad I hung on through the depression and the crap and the utter bullshit - because as horrible as it was then... that's how sweet it is now. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.
I quit making excuses for my hardships and my troubles. The only person responsible for my pain is ME. It's up to ME to change whatever I don't like - so here I am, baby, I'm doing it, I"m changing. I can either roll with the punches, or get flattened.
Which am I choosing today? I think everyone can tell.
Only ten minutes until I can roll on out of here. I'm in a good place. I really am. Oh, sometimes I still bitch and complain and carry on, I wouldn't be ME if I didn't do that on occasion - but when you get right down to it, all is right in my world.
I'm sitting here at work with a mere three hours to go before my tenure in the drug lab comes to an end. In some ways, of course, I'm really happy about it - I won't have to put up with (nearly as much) stupidity, I don't have to see asses in the air, I don't have to smell foulness and stench, I don't have to deal with people that can't read. That, in itself, is a blessing.
But, in some ways, I'm actually a bit emotional about this. This has been my life for 4 years, for better or worse, and while I've gone through some horrific times, I also like to think that I've made an impact on people, at least for the better. Perhaps that's really a pipe dream.
One thing is for certain - I am no longer the sad, scared, suicidal mess that I was when I first started this job. Never again will I feel that low about myself and my prospects. Even if my life were to implode tomorrow and I'd lose everything dear to me - I will never again allow myself to give up my life and my dreams for another, and one that never cared a whit about me to begin with.
I start my new job on Monday as a much stronger, more confident human being. I know what I'm worth and what I'm willing to "settle" for - which isn't much, because I've settled for most of my life - it's now time to demand what I'm worth, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Because I've learned, finally, that I DO have worth, talents, abilities, that I AM deserving of better than the treatment I've received - and, yes, I admit here and now that I've even ASKED for that treatment on occasion, by NOT believing in myself.
No more of that. No one, no one, NO ONE - will EVER treat me like garbage again, because I won't allow it. If someone tries, they're cut out of my life immediately - and quite honestly, they may get a big angry scene to accompany it. I'm no longer keeping my mouth shut - someone fucks with me, they pay for it. Simple as that.
But, enough of that negativity. My life is about to take a new and frankly exciting direction. I just hope that I'm up to the challenges - but somehow, I think I will be.
Not really much is happening, to be honest. I'm just checking in. I've been kind of tired as of late, and as usual my life is nuts with school, work, etc. Still at the drug lab, bleh - they managed to keep me on an "administrative hold" for 4 weeks, but that runs out on July 13th. They can't legally keep me any longer because I've officially been offered the promotion, so... that will truly be my final day there. At this point, I'm just cooling my heels waiting.
School's been kicking my ass. I'm on the dreaded math course now - 106 - not really doing too well, but I'm just hoping I can squeak by with a C on it and get it over with. I'm also taking diversity awareness, which is... well, to be blunt about it, the class is a joke. It's like attending a training session at work for 8 weeks. I don't expect trouble out of that one.
After the summer session is over, I only have two more semesters to go.. and I'm finished with the B.S. I can't believe it myself, sometimes. Did I really accomplish this? While sick with depression, at that?
Greg and I are still going strong, as strong as ever. Gah, but I do love him so much. I think to myself every day that I'm so lucky to have met him, especially after everything I've been through. Life is... life now, it's normal, no more ups and downs, no more maniacal crap. I'm daring to have hopes and dreams. I'm actually beginning to believe that they might even come true.
Life is still good. Dare I say it, even wonderful.
I've been in touch with someone that has been writing a book about depression; you may be seeing a bit more activity on the blog in the next few months, as I've agreed to help her with a few things. I can't really say when that'll start, but you'll notice it as time goes on. I still think it's important for me to serve as a voice for this illness, even if I've successfully "cured" myself of it. (I still don't think I'll ever be CURED of it, but that's another story.) Anyway, you might see some more activity soon.
I'm trying to restart the 52ayear blog as well. I haven't really gotten around to that because of my schedule, plus I do want to clean the kitchen real well before I begin that again. But I'll get around to it when I can.
Other than these brief things, no news. I'm fine, Greg's fine, Kitteh is fine, everything is fine.
I DID have a little bit of a rant to write the other day, but right now I'm feeling good enough that I kind of don't want to get into it right now. Let's just say, as a teaser, that I've recently come across a golden opportunity to get even with someone that REALLY fucked me over years ago, and I'm debating on doing something.... well, diabolical. Or at least pretty fucking hurtful.
Like I once said - revenge might be best served cold, but I happen to love cold food. :p
I had started my post yesterday, on the actual anniversary date of the blog, but as usual I was jammed at work with six hundred million clients and didn't even get past the first sentence, so... I'm a day late. And a hell of a lot more than a dollar short, but that's another story altogether.
In some ways, I can't believe that it's been four years since I began this thing. I'm such a different person now, in a lot of respects, even my way of thinking and approaching life has changed. It's still very painful to go back in time and see the person that I was - confused, hurting, depressed, very insular and self-serving. But I'd be denying that time in my life if I didn't confess to being all of those and a lot more.
I've made strides since then. Lots of them.
On Monday, I received word that I was selected for a community supervisory assistant position with the agency I'm in now - but it only means one thing.
I'm out of the drug lab. My last day there is this Friday. Nearly 4 years later, I have moved on from this stage of my career, just as I seem to have moved on from everything else from that time.
In some ways, this is the culmination of years of sweat, hard work, pain, and the countless attempts to "heal thyself". Have I healed sufficiently? Most would seem to think yes, but I realize that it's still an ever-evolving process. There's work to be done - always, more work to be done. This time, though, I think I'm up for the challenges that are sure to come my way.
In the last couple of weeks, I have destroyed all electronic evidence of my entanglements with, uh, certain people that shall remain nameless (oh, all right, I mean the Douchebag, heh). Everything is gone, erased, formatted, done. All of the pain, the endless sentences, the logs of chats past - cyberspace has swallowed them all forever and has probably regurgitated it somewhere in another town, another chat room, another haven of desperation. It is a weight off of my shoulders. It is liberation. Freedom.
The next things to go are the physical, tangible evidence - the souvenirs, the letters, the objects that were sent via the Postal Service. I've only held on to them right now because there's nowhere for them to go just yet. I'm not allowed to burn them, thanks to city regulations, otherwise that's EXACTLY what I would have done - a cleansing of the soul, I guess - so I'm timing it just right in that they'll be discarded on trash day and that the big green city pickup truck will crush and haul them away before I have a chance to change my mind.
But I don't think I WILL change my mind. It's, after all, where they belong - so much trash, just like the essence of what the whole situation really was.
I have cut most of the ties that bind. I am, indeed, TRULY free, and on to better things.
Year 4 might be a quiet one - I don't really write so much in here anymore, though I try to update as much as I can. But.... quiet though it might be, it'll be the best year ever.
I'm sleeping alone for the first time in nearly a year.
Greg is in a different state right now, attending his oldest daughter's high school graduation, and is away until Saturday night (48 hours from now). While I obviously don't mind the reason that he's away (after all, this is his kid we're talking about), I'm having a great deal of difficulty with it, for myriad reasons. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings about this, so I'm writing here to see if I can purge some of this out on my own...
One of the hardest things about this is that I'm afraid he won't return. As much as I hate to say it, he's not had the best track record with relationships. How do I know that I won't be another casualty of that? I know that all I can do is trust, but it's so... freaking... hard, still. I know in some ways that I'm being silly - nearly everything he owns is here, but it didn't stop him the last time from just leaving somewhere and "starting over".
I'd survive it, don't get me wrong. But it's just the fear, the anxiety, all of that.
Another unspoken, but huge reason, is that I feel kind of like a pariah in this whole scene. Greg doesn't talk much about his past or the people he was involved with, any of that. Part of me doesn't ask because I know it hurts - oh, I know that feeling all too well - and part of me doesn't ask because that's his business, really, and it's nothing to do with me. I still don't feel like I'd be welcomed by anyone in the "family", though, not that he's got much of one either. It's a vibe that I get... obviously his baby mommas have no reason to like me, of course, and I don't expect them to... but I have a nasty feeling that his kids don't like me much, either, or his sister, or his adopted brother, etc., etc. It's not that I know this for sure - it's just that there's never been an attempt to introduce me to them. I don't know if that's deliberate or if that's just because there's no wish for contact. It's not like he's close with any of those people, either.
Sometimes I feel as if he just dropped into my life from some weird space and time continuum. It honestly creeps me out, in a way. I have a reason why I don't have a lot of close people in my life, as I'm sure that he does, but.... it's never discussed. It makes me wonder what else there is. It makes me wonder what piece of the puzzle is missing, and when I find it, how much it's going to hurt.
It's no wonder that I still can't relax or trust. I don't know what else is coming. I have no security, as usual. I have nothing solid under my feet that I can count on.
Just really, REALLY depressed tonight. Things are not going well in a lot of aspects for me right now, especially concerning work, and I'm just tired of feeling like I always have to fight for some measure of peace. It's no wonder that I've wished for death so much in the past - at least you get peace that way.
No, I'm not suicidal, far from it. But I AM tired. So, so tired. And weary of searching for approval from people that I honestly shouldn't give a fuck about.
When am I going to learn, for Chrissake?
Sigh. Thanks for reading anyway, if you've gotten this far. It's just another stupid bump in the road that is my life.
I have a lot of things on my mind tonight, obviously (since I've returned to actually post an update in this thing). A good deal of it is not positive, unfortunately. It's mainly to do with my feelings about other people, so bear with me; here comes the verbal vomit.
I find that I have little interest in what others do anymore. That sounds really awful, I know; but I've just been so busy with work, school, trying to keep my head above water, maintaining my relationship with Greg - all of these things are important to me, and because they're important to me, I'm letting other things just... fall by the wayside. I'm letting things go. For me, that's good news and bad news at the same time - it's good because I'm concentrating on what really matters to me right now. It's bad, because I'm finding that... well, not a lot of things really matter to me.
I've experienced a great deal of "defriending" on Facebook recently. I've discovered that quite a few people have decided that they no longer wish to see my updates or anything concerning my life. Even a few months ago, that would have upset or greatly disturbed me, but these days.... eh, who cares? Really? Does it interrupt my world any? I've hardly even noticed it. I only notice it now because I went and looked THEM up to see what's happening in their world. Eh, so be it - it's no loss to me.
But it's got me thinking about Facebook and social media in general... and how little it's come to mean to me. Do I really know anyone? How much do they share of my life? I've honestly considered dropping a few so-called "friends" myself... or even leaving Facebook altogether; God knows there's enough reason to with all of the privacy issues going on, and to be honest... it's useless. The "magic" has passed. It's passe now, old hat, it's no longer fun.
Greg is very inactive on Facebook; I don't think he's used his account in at least three months or more. And he's perfectly happy with that. It makes me wonder what I'm getting out of it. It's not like I use it to contact long-lost family - what family? I talk to my mother every day. I talk to my cousins now and then. That's it. I have a few close friends, but it's not like we couldn't use Email to communicate if we really wanted to. What, then, do I get out of it?
I'm starting to seriously wonder about that.
There was a time where the laptop cord would have bound me. I needed it to "keep my sanity". Now, I'm wondering if it wasn't the cause of my insanity all along.
I am in a period of examination of life; what it really means, what I truly want out of it, where I want it to go. And I know that a lot of what I don't want still exists. It's just a matter of culling it out, like an abscess that needs to be flushed out of the skin. I need to continue to consider what is truly important. I don't think that it's what we all think it is.
I once said that I really needed five close friends and not five hundred acquaintances. I still feel that way. Perhaps more than ever, now.
I visit maybe four or five websites these days. That's it. I'm not really interested in "discovering" any more - the Internet lost its novelty and "new car feeling" 5 years ago for me. Perhaps it's simply that I'm jaded from starting in the BBS days, who knows - but I just don't even care anymore. It's not important to me.
Perhaps I'm simply antisocial. Or AvPD like I once believed. I don't know anymore. And the truth is, it doesn't matter. I'm simply going to live my life the way I want. Those who don't want to ride on the roller coaster with me can, quite simply, get the hell out of my way.
That's probably the healthiest approach to social media that I can get.
I think this is the first time that I have ever - EVER! - missed an entire month of writing in this blog.
So would I consider this a good thing? Perhaps. I've been trying to actually make a post in here for a couple of weeks now, but something has always prevented me from doing it, one way or the other, be it work or having to do a school assignment... or, perhaps just sheer laziness. I might simply have nothing to say. And I find that more and more, it's the latter. There's... really nothing to report.
In a couple of weeks, I'll be celebrating a full year with Greg. It's been one hell of a whirlwind, I can say that much, and it's been in a good way. I'm up for a new job soon where I'll actually get the hell out of the drug lab - finally! - and move on to better opportunities. I'm less than a year from finishing school and getting the B.S. degree - still pondering the M.S., but I'll need to take some time to think about that.
As you can see, I've been living life.
I had a really hard time making a Facebook status this morning, because there's so much to tell.. and yet, there's really nothing that's unusual or out of place in my life now. Things are calm. I'm calm. I'm happy. No crying fits, no stretches of depression, no suicidal ideations. Everything is "normal". Whatever normal is.
In 3 weeks, I go back to Ocean City. "Okay," you think, "so what?" For me, it's not just a question of so what... but a reclaiming of a place that I loved and once lost to depression.
The last time that I visited Ocean City was at Christmastime in 2009. I made a post - several series of posts, actually - about being alone at Christmas, and about how I would go down to the beach that day and cry. And that's what I did... only I also thought seriously about plunging myself into the surf and never coming out. Because, you see, I can't swim - not very well, anyway - and I thought that it would be the answer to all of my woes, back then.
For some reason, it never happened that way. And in retrospect, now, I'm glad that I didn't. I would have missed out on so much.
But in any case.... I go back there in 3 weeks, with Greg, and I'm reclaiming that place. I'm going to sit on the same stretch of beach, and watch the surf again, only this time I'm going to thank it for hearing me out, for being there when I had nothing else in my life, and for saving me when my only wish was to die.
Suicide is the furthest thing from my mind now.
Anyhow... that's all I really have to say at the moment. I know, it's a boring update, but maybe boredom suits me. :p
So tired. I'm starting to feel the pinch of everything going on around me and it's not having a good effect on my mind or what I need to do. It seems that I can't get back "into my groove"; ever since the beginning of February when I first fell ill, I've sort of lost my momentum. I'm tired nearly all of the time now; can't seem to sleep enough, my appetite has taken a huge hit, physically I'm a wreck. I don't know - all of this could be psychosomatic because of my birthday coming up, who knows, but this is really not something I need to be experiencing right now.
Greg and I watched an episode of "Chesapeake Collectibles" on public television tonight. We learned about the origins of the Duncan yo-yo and how they were originally called "tops". We learned that the word "yo-yo" actually originated in the Philippines and that a group of young Filipino men were the first to demonstrate how the toys actually worked. We learned things about a little toy that may not seem like a big deal to you - but we LEARNED something. We educated ourselves.
It's a shame that most people would turn down that knowledge to watch the latest "Jersey Shore" and how every male in the state is probably giving the DNA clinics a run for their money now that Nicole Polizzi is pregnant. Seriously. The dumbing down of America. Where does it end?
I find, more alarmingly, that my mental state is becoming more and more apathetic. Not in a depressing way like it was before, but sort of a dull "keep your problems to yourselves, I have my own" way.
There's a lot of things going on in the world right now, things that I should be feeling anxiety or stress or excitement over, but.... all I want is to be left alone and to be happy with my life, my relationship, my work, settle down. Be a homebody, I guess. I see the world's problems and I just shrug them all off. Hey, great, bully for all of you - whatever. That's what goes through my mind when I see it.
I feel so guilty for not being more concerned. But what can I really do about any of it? I've done so much fighting of my own to get stabilized and to achieve what I have; I can't seem to really motivate myself to care about the rest of the world. Perhaps, maybe, I think to myself that people are too lazy - after all, I managed to struggle through and solve my own problems - why should I assist others when I had to do my thing all alone? Could that be it?
I feel bad, that's all I know. I feel bad that I have less concern over what happens to Joseph Kony or whether he's convicted of war crimes; this is a BAD guy, ladies and gentlemen, but what am I going to do about it? Will his being in prison affect me directly? Does it put a paycheck in my pocket?
I have no concern over the birth control debate - to me it's the same stupid shit as the abortion debate. Right wing fanatics are never going to agree about anything - what's the difference here? So birth control is free now - so what? I was used to paying money for it, anyway, now I just get a pleasant little surprise every 4 weeks. If it went back to the way it was, I'd just pay for it once again like I had been. What am I going to do about it? Will it change anything about how I'm living? I know, I know, every woman has the right to birth control - I agree with that. But if it's taken away, what can I do about it? I have no power here. I have no way to change anything in this world - I've learned to accept and to live with it.
I feel bad that I feel nothing over the Trayvon Martin situation. He was wantonly killed, there's no doubt about it, and yes, I believe there are elements of racism here - but what can I do about it other than agree with everyone else about how George Zimmerman should pay for his crime? I can't personally lock the man up for shooting a 17 year old kid. Will it even bring Trayvon Martin back? Any of this?
Apparently, people find it entertaining to watch high school kids getting the shit beaten out of them on YouTube. It's just another day in the life of American society, the mindless sheep getting their kicks.
I just see people screaming into the wind about injustice and how life isn't fair and how much the world's going to shit all around us. And none of it matters. Because this is life, nothing will change it. Bad shit happens. Sometimes bad shit happens TO us. What can we do other than roll with the inevitable punches?
That is so fatalistic. I sound so negative. But I'm really not feeling negative - it's just cold, hard fact. I can't change anything about what's going on in the world.
This song by Ten Years After outlines my feelings perfectly. I feel so guilty for them, but... like the lyrics say, "I don't know what to do."
I fear for my future in a world that is increasingly not only indifferent, but oblivious.
I have had a rough couple of weeks over here, unfortunately. I'm dealing with several things at once right now, including the imminent birthday celebration where I finally leave my rough, turbulent thirties behind and coast straight into 40, sigh. My family has been giving me a lot of shit as of late - my brother and his wife have decided to separate and will probably divorce (though there's a lot of other shit behind that - not too sure I want to share a lot of details right now due to certain people viewing this). And because of that, my mother's been, to be blunt, a bitch. It's starting to wear me down. I still have a lot on my plate - work, school, blah-blah, and I'm quickly reaching the end of my rope.
I went to therapy yesterday and the doctor told me that if I don't start coping a little better, the sessions are going to increase. I don't like the sound of that. I hope, pray, that this is just an aberration.
Despite all of the crap going on, I managed top grades in both parenting and in computer forensics. We're on bioethics and aging now, lucky me. I don't really know how they're going to go - bioethics looks hard as fuck - but we'll find out, I guess.
Sigh. Someone tell me that it'll get better, please. I hate to think that this is it - that this is my life. Work, school, dealing with the crap that is my family. At least Greg and I are still strong and a positive force. That's something, anyway.
Gah, I don't know, I just feel so freaking TIRED. No energy whatsoever. I've finally recovered from that cold, but its effects linger. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. I know I'm almost forty, but really, I'm not DEAD. Why do I feel like this?
Oh, well, I have a rare day off today and I'm going to enjoy it. If that means laying in bed and sleeping all day and watching mindless television, that's what it'll be. Though I'm thinking that a good, brisk walk might help as well. Actually, that sounds a lot better. Television sucks anyhow.
I'll be all right. I just need a little bit of balance - I need to slow down and not let shit get to me. I haven't had a vacation in a year and a half, so maybe I'll take some time off soon to re-energize, fix up this house (still a work in progress, but I think it always will be, sigh), work things out a bit. I'm already cheered up just thinking about it. And Greg and I are going to Ocean City for Memorial Day weekend, to celebrate 1 year of togetherness.
One year. Dear God, has it been that long? I'm speechless, but in a good way. :)
I've been quite ill as of late; if you've been reading or checking in here regularly, you already know this. I've been sick, really, since the start of February. Finally the cold/virus/whatever the hell this was is starting to loosen its grip on me, but there's been other physical problems as of late that have been at the very least bothering me and sometimes outright scaring me. Mainly it's to do with my G-I system, digestion, appetite, etc. I'll just say that things have NOT been good in this area and leave it at that (so that I don't "disturb" any feeble stomachs out there, haha).
As I race toward 40, I've been a bit emotional as well. I don't really know why this is - I AM okay with turning 40, myself, and I don't feel that much different inside. I think it's the world around me doing a number on my head right now. Realizing that I'm now "middle-aged". Realizing that the things of my childhood are now of a different generation, of a different time, that the world has changed SO MUCH since then when in truth I feel as if I could just reach back in time and step into that world I once knew again. It's slapping me full in the face that I CAN'T. It hurts. I've always had trouble reconciling the past as most people know, but now it's REALLY fucking with my head.
Plus, a lot of my friends are now either settling down for good, or they're having babies. Jesus, if I see one more person on my Facebook announcing that they're having a kid, I'm going to start deleting at random. That's sometimes REALLY hard for me to look at. It's pretty much understood that children are now not in the cards for me. I'm okay with that, but seeing all of these cutesy baby photos and people gushing over little dresses and suits and all the "clappy hands" every time the kid chews food or takes a whiz or whatever.... Jesus Q. fucking Christ, I don't want to know. I really don't. Sometimes it makes me feel so inadequate as a person, it's like, "Oh.... you don't have kids." Meaningful pause. "Well, you won't understand, then."
I understand, all right. I understand that you've ceased to exist. It's all about your offspring now. YOU'VE disappeared into oblivion. Yeah, well, maybe it's just as well that we're no longer "friends", huh?
Honestly, I'm worried that I'm starting to regress back into the depression; not as pronounced or as strong as it once was, but gradually, slipping slowly into a sad abyss. I hope not. I can't afford to lose any more of my life on this.
Some of it, too, is that I've genuinely been busy in addition to all of this going on. Trying to balance a fulltime job with fulltime school, trying to make sure I have enough time to also enjoy my life.... it's sped up past 78rpm and into the stratosphere. It's hard these days. That doesn't mean I want it to slow down or that I want the depression back - GAWD, no - but sometimes I wish I could just step off of the carousel every now and then and breathe.
I hate feeling so negative, and in turn writing it all down here, because it seems as if I'm ALWAYS negative, that I never have a good word to say. I do, honestly, and it's one of the reasons why this blog isn't really that "active" anymore. But.... sometimes I just feel like I need to write it out, because some of the thoughts that I have would really repel a lot of people, not that I don't already, I suppose.
I have another therapy session on Sunday, the first in six weeks. I think I could use some clarity, maybe.
I haven't written in my food blog in nearly a month, too, but that's because I've just felt too sick to cook. I hope I can actually start to pick that up again soon.
Bah. I'm just whining here now. I'll feel better soon, I think; just getting some more of the poison out before going back to my "real life".
What does that mean, you might ask? Well.... I noticed that my friend count had dropped on Eff-Bee, which doesn't really bother me too much as people add and drop all of the time. I went ahead and looked... and yes, it was who I had thought. It was the person that I had literally been obsessing over for years of my life... the same person who turned me inside out and upside down and fucked me over for the last six years.
So how did I feel? You honestly want to know?
I don't actually feel anything. I looked at his profile, saw where it said "Add Friend", shrugged my shoulders, and went about my business. That's what happened.
It's taken a long time to get to indifference. And I'm happy that I'm here. It's a comforting, easy place where I don't drive myself crazy over a person that cares nothing about me but when his next cybersex session is.
I only mention it because I marvel at how little I do feel about it. Six years ago this would have been an epic meltdown of monumental proportions. I would have considered suicide. I'm serious. That's how sick and depressed I was. That's how sick and depressed he made me, because believe me when I tell you that emotions transfer. He was a joyless person and in hanging around him, he stole MY joy. I'm firmly convinced of that, the further out I get from this illness.
It's finally over, all of it. I am free. I am blissfully, happily free. :D
In continuing the happy news, I celebrated 9 months with Greg on Saturday, and it's just as good as it ever has been. I truly think that I've found my life partner. I know, I know.... optimistic, aren't we, but you know... that's another thing that's returned to me is my optimism. I have hope, I have dreams!
At the same time, though, I feel life smacking me in the forehead a lot recently because... well, I'm almost 40, heh. Little things are starting to remind me that the best of my life has passed.... well, the young part of it anyway. I think that I'm IN the best of my life now! :D
The more I think about D'bag defriending me.... the better I feel... the lighter-hearted I feel.... the knowledge that I have returned, that my self is back and all mine again, that my soul is healed.....
Mind you, that's not a complaint; on the contrary, I'm glad of it. I do wonder idly sometimes if keeping this blog is a waste of time, though, as I really don't have much to say anymore - at least, not about the state of my mind. I have nothing left to be depressed about, and while I have residual doubts about my life and the world around me, it's all ... I don't know if "dulled down" is the right term, really. I can't really describe my state of mind anymore, only I know it's not unhappy or bad. Does that make any sense?
I'm still physically "off", though. I've forced myself to go to work despite my cold and I'm still paying for it in some respects. I had to take the day off today because I thought I was literally going to die yesterday afternoon while I was working, but I also have tomorrow to recuperate as well. I hope that I feel better soon - this winter in particular has been rough on me as far as colds and viruses go, sigh.
This is probably the first time in a long time that I can remember saying it, but I can't wait for spring to arrive. That, and warmer temperatures. I'm tired of the cold... and now that I'm getting older, I find that it's a bit harder on me than in previous years. Not that I'm ready for a home or anything, though. :p
I wish that I had more to say. But the simple truth is that I don't. Not really. This blog has always been somewhat of a complaint center for me when it came to my depression and feeling bad and moaning about things that I always had the power to change, if I wanted to. Since I don't have anything to complain about, and much to be grateful for, I find myself using this blog less and less. Perhaps I'll one day cease to write anything at all, and let this stand as a tribute to the fractured person I used to be... how chasing an obsession can make you crazy.... how in the end, your life and happiness is up to YOU to create, not someone else.
The past entries make me very sad. I'm sad that I wasted so much time, that I couldn't see the proverbial forest for the trees, that I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else's sickness, and so easily. But we're all human, I guess, and maybe that just made me more human than most.
I still want to eventually tell the whole story. Right now the apathy is growing, which is a good thing, because it allows me to detach. I'm almost detached completely now from a lot of things and people surrounding it; there are still pieces of the puzzle that I need to work on, but it's spiraling rapidly toward total indifference. It took very little time, which perhaps means that I was simply done with it anyway, and that the appearance of Greg just sped it along further. There are still aspects that infuriate me, mainly acts that happened after all was said and done. But I see it for what it is now, a sad attempt at what used to be a ... hell, I can't even say friendship. Because it wasn't, was it?
If a person that you were once "close" with finds a relationship with a person they love very much, it is NOT apropos to request the details of sexual encounters between the two of them. I'm sorry, but Jesus Q. fucking Christ - that is SO none of your business. Or maybe I SHOULD tell the truth - yes, we fuck. Yes, it's good. Yes, he's the BEST lover I've ever had and yes, he knows things that you will never have time to learn even if you live another 50 years. Are those the details you want to hear?
Seriously... if this "person" had any respect for me, the question would NEVER have been asked. I think it was this pivotal moment in time when I realized just what this person thought of me, how this person saw me, and I realized that he had zero, ZERO respect for me and probably never did from day one. And I felt such a flood of disgust when he asked that shit. I really did. I was like, how fucking dare you ask a question like that. As if it's your business. As if I'd tell you. As if you're close enough in my life that you even deserve to know.
It's a form of voyeurism, of course. The desire to view what a good relationship/sex life is, since he apparently isn't able to provide it - to me or to anyone. I'm honestly not really envious of any female he'll eventually get tangled up with, because he's fractured, damaged, unable to love and be loved in a normal relationship. I offered him that - he couldn't do it. And I was foolish enough to think that I could actually change that. How glad I am now that it failed... because I now have real love, honest love, respect and happiness.
He has... a computer and his hand.
How's that working for you?
Heh, this turned into a rant. Oh, well; I told you this was my complaint center, haha. In any case, what I'm doing now is healthy - it's getting all of the poison out in a safe, harmless way, and I can move on with my life. My real life! And...my happy life. :D
Hopefully I'll feel better the next time I check in here. Until then.
Those so-called "physical problems" that I was referring to last week? They've metastasized into a full-blown, nasty common cold that both Greg and I have unfortunately been hit with - just our luck. Sigh. So now I'm stuck in bed, alternately sweating and freezing to death. It's very doubtful that I'll be going to work on Monday if I continue to feel like this. For my sake, I hope not, because I just got my sick leave back up to an acceptable level; if I have to take more time off, it'll take forever to get it back.
I hate it when I feel like this. I feel so unproductive and unable to do much of anything other than lay in bed and... well, moan about what I'm not doing. Everyone tells me that I push myself too hard, and maybe I do, because I feel horrifically guilty about just lying here. I feel like I should get up and try to clean the house, cook a meal, something. But if I do, I quickly feel winded, exhausted, just... bad. I know I need to stay the hell in bed.
More complaining. It's what I seem to do best. :p
I did manage to file my taxes today; maybe that's something.
Life continues on, such as it is. It just gets better all the time. I've finally found a lucky relationship, I think, and that relationship enhances my life; as such, my now-enjoyable life enhances my relationship. I've seriously never been happier in my life than I have been these past 8, almost 9 months. Oh, yes, I still doubt sometimes... and a bit of the "old" me crops up now and again, did I do the right thing, am I doing the right thing, is this the right thing to consider, etc. But I think that I'm trying to do the best I can, and that means to trust a little more.
The walls that I had built around my heart, my self, are slowly being dismantled, brick by painful brick. It's all coming down. I am being exposed to the light. And I'm drinking everything in.
I am noticing changes not only in myself, but in others that I know. Suddenly, my friends are... older. They have children, families, others to consider in their daily lives. They no longer feel up to the "old days", being wild, partying, etc. They're settling down now. I've seen more than one post on Facebook about how "they're too old to party/get in trouble", "they have others to think of and consider", etc. It makes me wonder how much I've changed, as well. I wonder about my ways... they're pretty much set, now. I know how I want things to be, and I get very upset at any changes or deviations from the routine that I've managed to create for myself. I don't know if that's because of the natural process of aging or because I'm finally secure enough to a point where things aren't continually upset.
It's something to ponder. I'm happy to be the age that I am... yes, almost forty. I will cop to that. Next month, I will be forty years old. I am totally okay with that. Knowing what I know now, I would never go back in time, not to 20, not to 30. Those were not happy years for me. I was not in control of my life, of myself, of things around me. Now.... it's a different story. I am content, no matter what happens.
I am more than happy to have Greg in my life, and if he wants it, for the rest of my life. But even if it doesn't work out that way... I will continue my life and be happy for myself. I have survived the worst of the worst; emotional abuse, neglect, rape, molestation, physical abuse, abandonment, long-term depression. I have made it through all of that.... I have survived it.
I am secure now in who and in what I am. Nothing and nobody can change that... except me.
"I get to live the life I choose."
Bless the person who put that up in the office next to mine. These are now the words I live by. This is my motto. It was meant for the ex-cons, the felons, the drug addicts. It was also meant for me.
Wow, I got contemplative there for a second. I guess it's because I still marvel that I've come so far in so little a time. I am amazed at my own ability to heal thyself, if you will.
Speaking of healing, though, I should sleep so I can shake this stupid cold. I hope that the next couple of days won't be wasted ones.
Recently, I've been suffering from increased physical problems - mainly GI stuff, digestion, that kind of thing - and I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply getting old and can't really just do what I want to do anymore, which sort of sucks. There's been lots of little things that have been a source of irritation as well, mainly the usual - work, school, etc.
I woke up this morning to a very dark, gray, raining sky. When I went to work this morning, I actually didn't feel too badly; it slowly dawned on me that whether or not it was raining and dark, I was here to enjoy it (or not enjoy it, my choice). There was a point where I would have enjoyed the morning for the wrong reasons - i.e., it's dark and raining and that means the entire world feels like crap, just like I do, wah wah wah.
That was the old me.
I enjoyed the rain and the gray skies today for a different reason. I actually got to thinking about rebirth - the entire world is going through a process where the old and the dying are rejuvenating, turning into something beautiful and new. In a couple of months, spring will be here again. The birds will return. The flowers will grow again. And there'll be rain, rainbows, sun, clouds, all of the marvelous things that Earth provides but that I've neglected for so long. Until now.
Suddenly I saw a shaft of light through the darkness. It reminded me of what I've become in the last year. That one crack in the facade can brighten an entire world.
I'm realizing that I'm very, very lucky indeed. Good things have happened to me this past year, and continue to happen. I am learning the value of gratitude; being grateful for what I have, who I have, how far I've come, how much further I have to go. It's all a process, a balance. There's no doubt in my mind that I've been fucked with in my nearly 40 years on this earth - that's for sure. But it's my choice to either let that bring me down to the value of nothing.... or to take it, work it, learn from it and make my life that much better. Does that make sense?
Even if I lost everything I have tomorrow.... I have the ability, the strength, the moxie to start over once again, and to improve on things that I may not have liked or wanted. I have that power. I have the power to decide what my life is to be.
"I get to live the life I choose."
And so I look out on those gray skies today, and I laugh with delight, because I don't see darkness and loss and depression. I see rebirth, new possibilities, experiences, opportunities. I see rejuvenation. I see the beginnings of love.
I am a long, long way from three years ago, from six years ago. I don't really know that woman anymore. While she wasn't someone I ever wanted to be twins with, I'm glad that I did know her, once. It makes the depth of gratitude I hold that much stronger, that much more solid.
Interesting fact: Poe was found just before his death on the corner of East Lombard and South Exeter Streets in Jonestown, Baltimore. My old apartment was on the very same corner.
Today marks the anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's birthday. He's a special figure here in Baltimore, for obvious reasons, but even if I didn't live here, I would admit to believing that the man is a mad genius. Some of his short stories (specifically "The Cask of Amontillado" being a favorite) are positively chilling in their elements of comedy and of revenge. I believe without a doubt that Poe suffered from depression, a thing that I can relate to all too well.
Today is, unless the famous Toaster appears, also the last day that this decades-old tradition will be celebrated. The legend of the Poe Toaster is internationally famous. There are several theories about what happened; whether the incredible crowds that gathered at the grave site "drove him away", or if the Toaster has passed away.... I doubt that we'll ever truly know.
Either way, one cannot think of roses and cognac without thinking of Poe. A fitting tribute to a talented, but tortured man.
My favorite poem by Poe is below. It has a special significance to the citizens of Baltimore, of course.
"The Raven"
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door - Only this, and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore - For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore - Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating, "'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door - Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; - This it is, and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you"- here I opened wide the door; - Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before; But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?" This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" - Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice: Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore - Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; - 'Tis the wind and nothing more."
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore; Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door - Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door - Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore. "Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore - Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!" Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door - Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door, With such name as "Nevermore."
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered - Till I scarcely more than muttered, "other friends have flown before - On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before." Then the bird said, "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, "Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store, Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore - Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore Of 'Never - nevermore'."
But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door; Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore - What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking "Nevermore."
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core; This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er, But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er, She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor. "Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he hath sent thee Respite - respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore: Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!" Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! - Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted - On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore - Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!" Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil - prophet still, if bird or devil! By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore - Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn, It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore - Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore." Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting - "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!" Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted - nevermore!
....my whole idea was that I would make a protest, however silent, against the current SOPA/PIPA bill out there about Internet censorship. And the ribbon's up, no doubt about that. But my change of heart comes from 1. not really having time other than this to update and 2. sadly, a belief that all of our efforts are truly fruitless - people are going to do what they want to do. There'll always be a way around whatever restrictions people try to place on others, so I'm not too worried. Besides, the powers that be want to make us ALL criminals now, so you may as well do what you're accused of.
With that said.... uh, hi. :p
I have a rare day off today, thanks to AWS - and I'm just trying to take it easy, since life has been somewhat stressful as of late. Oh, it's nothing to really worry over; I've just had some minor problems crop up, mainly with the house. I've apparently had squirrels in my attic since this time last year, and due to not having any money for an exterminator (in addition to not really knowing what to do about getting them the fuck out of there), they've been roosting up in the ceiling making themselves at home. That little problem was fixed yesterday, thanks to Greg and thanks to finally having a little in the bank to get it finished. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage other than a couple of holes in the ceiling, which can be easily patched up.
I've finally gotten the first decent night's sleep in six weeks.
School has started up again. I'm actually enjoying the parenting class quite a bit, though it promises to be quite hard - the instructor seems to be kind of a hard-ass about certain things. But time will tell, this is only the first week. Computer forensics class is actually somewhat of a joke; no real "assignments" other than projects. I'm kind of disappointed about that, but it is what it is - a requirement fulfilled toward my degree. I've started financial aid processing on what should be my last year at UMUC. God, how did that happen?
I went to lunch with a close friend over the weekend, and I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, "Where did the time go? What happened? He looks different. I look different. What happened???"
Time happened, I guess.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. I'm healthy (relatively, anyway). I'm happy. I have someone in my life who loves me, whom I love. My job is stable (even if not very enjoyable - taking urine is still not my life's work, I'm sorry). I'm a middle class American doing the best that they can. But I guess that six years of being "mentally absent" changes your perspective. You don't realize that the world moves on with or without you when you're depressed. And, boy, has the world moved on. I've missed so much!
I'm determined not to miss any more. I've taken my life by the horns and I'm working it the best I can.
This morning, I was downstairs enjoying a cup of coffee and cooking breakfast. I had my Pandora station on and was just listening to the classic rock station, half-singing (you know I'm in a great mood if I start doing that shit, heh), when a Derek and the Dominoes song came on, a very famous one (I'm not going to type the name of it here - if you know your music, you know what it's called). As I heard it, I started mentally "stiffening up". I've come to the realization that I no longer like that song in any shape, form or fashion. Why? It's the name of a person that fucked me over during the last six years. It's the name of a person that was directly involved in the Douchebag situation. It's the name of a bitch that I had thought was my friend. Some friend.
I'm working toward resolving some of that situation in my head. But as I continued to cook my breakfast, I realized that I will probably never forgive some people for the things that they did to me during that time. And as I came to that realization, I started to wonder about a few things.
I know that some say that forgiveness is a gift to one's self. That being unable to forgive punishes you more than the other person; at least, that's always what I'd been led to believe. If you're unable to forgive a person for what they did to you, they have power over you and take up space in your head. That's what I've always heard.
But the thing is, I don't believe that this is necessarily true. Just because I'm unable to forgive - and I will admit that readily to myself, that I probably never will - it doesn't mean that she ever takes up any space in my head, because she doesn't. Sure, there are moments like this morning when I think about it, and my hatred (which is rapidly becoming indifference) flares anew, and my mind reinforces the fact that she's a bitch and that I can't forgive her for what she's done. But it goes away almost as fast as the realization comes. It's only on my mind now because of the afterthoughts... about how it really is okay not to forgive someone, if you don't want to. It doesn't affect me other than a mere thought or two; I then put it on the shelf for another few months. Someday, it'll get to the point where it's more than a few months.... then a year or two.... until it - she, they - cease to matter to me at all.
I have learned what true friendship is. I have learned what love really looks like, and it doesn't match the treatment that I received. I'm more mad at myself than anything, because I believed that I was really worth that little. Therapy has helped me to see that I'm worth more than crumbs, a pat on the head like an abused dog. I am more currency than those people can afford, emotionally.
I am good at so many things, and I've never given myself much credit for any of them. That's starting to change. A lot of things about me are starting to change.
I still cannot look back much at my old entries here. I'm ashamed of myself for the obsessive thoughts, for the misguided conceptions, for acting pretty much like a tool the last six years. The sad thing is that it was all for naught. No, I doubt that I'll ever forgive any of those people for what they've done. D'bag, the Bitch, they're not the only ones involved in the whole sad, sordid mess, but they're the two stars.
As far as I'm concerned, it all worked out for the best. Fractured soul met fractured soul and now leads a life of deception, of pretending, of play-acting at a relationship. I have the real thing. And it's the sweetest thing that I've ever experienced. I have a real person in my life, in my bed, holding me, talking to me, sharing with me. Those two have a computer keyboard, maybe a phone on occasion, and "hopes and plans". Well, I don't - and won't - live my life on "hopes and plans".
I make them come true.
And that's today's update. I know you're all warm and fuzzy inside now. :p
Ten days into the new year and I'm just getting around to posting; I must be busy. And I have been, though I haven't been feeling particularly well (physically). The usual colds, 24-hour bugs, that kind of shit. Nothing major. Still, I'd like to see that pass as quickly as possible.
Things are pretty much the same; it's getting "back to normal" after what can only be termed a whirlwind holiday season. I had a wonderful, enjoyable Christmas - the first in five years, easily, and better than the last ten combined. I'm glad to see it all dissipate, though, and to have life return to usual.
I've discovered that I definitely do better on a mental level when I'm complaining about "being too busy". I've had three weekends now with no schoolwork (the next term starts on the 17th), and ... it's beginning to get old. I'm finding that as usual, I'm craving the excitement of starting fresh with new subjects. Of course, by the time March 11th rolls around, I'll probably proclaim myself "thoroughly sick of the parenting theory and computer innards", but that's normal for me, heh.
Not much else is going on, really. I've been re-examining usual, tired subjects in my head, trying to see if I feel better about them, etc. It's a slow process, but I do believe that I'm healing up nicely. Most days I feel ... well, I don't, really. I can't even call it apathy; more like a cursory dismissal. No more than say, a blip on the radar. The most upset I get (particuarly about the D'bag situation) is that of a brief, wistful moment of "what could have been". But you know... it couldn't have been. Ever. Because it takes two to tango on that front, and only one person was ever doing the dance.
I realize that now. Now it's time to work on not being ashamed of it.
My mother is slowly beginning to decline, health-wise. I knew that it was eventually going to happen, but I didn't expect such a dramatic spike in "I've fallen, I've hurt myself, etc." incidents. There's even been loose talk of her leaving her house, which I know is a serious, serious sign that things are coming to a head. I'm really hoping that it's not going to happen soon, because.... well, it's well documented that my mother and I can't get along for more than 5 minutes. Still, I will not, will not, WILL NOT put her in a nursing home. I just won't. My grandmother was in one of those places only 3 months before she died, but her life was a living fucking hell until that day. I won't do that to my mother. No matter how much she's hurt me.
We will see. But here recently, it's been worrisome.
Everything else is as usual. I'm still blissfully happy with Greg; who'd have thought it after almost 8 months? (Good Gawd... has it been that long??!!??) The job still sucks, heh, but you can't have everything.
This is really just a quick update, since it's Tuesday and all... and we know how Tuesdays are, right, kiddies?
More later, probably over the weekend.
(Pee-Ess: I've been busy with my new cooking blog. If you feel so inclined, head over to 52ayear.org and have a look. /shameless plug).
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here it comes:
the much-awaited "end of year" post. Aren't you
all just thrilled? I know I am. :p 2011 has been, for
me, indescribable. It's been a year where I have come quite far in a great deal of ways, and in a very short
time.
The best of 2011? Two things have happened
that I would qualify as fitting in this category, and that would be:
The apparent end of my depression –
Unknown Date
While, as always, I am being cautious about
declaring my mental illness officially "over", I do feel that
I have emerged from the darkness and the hell that I've been living
under for the last six years. I really couldn't say when it
"ended", exactly - perhaps it's been coming to an end all
along, I don't know, but I think I can easily say that it was more or
less gone by August. I no longer feel as if life is worthless.
I no longer cry at the drop of a hat. I no longer move
listlessly throughout the day, just "waiting" for my life to end. There is a purpose to my life now -
I am once again daring to have hopes, goals, dreams. While I still
don't smile or laugh a great deal, it comes much more easily now when I
do, and without force or effort. I have much more knowledge of who I
am, what I've been through, and how those events and times have made me
the special person that I know I am and can be. I am stronger in a
lot of ways for having been through these experiences.
And, what is most important, I think, is that I have learned (and
am still learning) what I choose to tolerate from people and what I
don't.
There's a sign up on the wall in one of the probation
teams' offices that says "I Get To Live The Life I Choose".
I guess it's supposed to be inspiration to their clients - but in
some ways, it's inspiring for
me, too. In the end, I have choices. I
have the decision to make my life what it is today - I can either wallow
in misery and blame others for the things that have happened in my life,
or I can accept that bad
things happen to everyone, and that it's how I
handle those bad things that will eventually determine my course of
action. I can choose drama, and chaos, and alienation - or I can
choose assistance, love,
caring and trust. There is nothing and no
one stopping me from making that choice!
Ah, the power of free will. Isn't it great?
My new relationship – May 25, 2011
Obviously, when I refer to this, I am referring to
Greg; who has been, in some ways, a miracle that appeared in my life
when I least expected it. I had truly given up on finding a relationship
where someone not only was "with" me, per se, but UNDERSTOOD
me - a quality that is rare within itself. It is truly a gift when
someone "gets" you, in every way possible - but yet doesn't
take that knowledge for granted. Greg
came into my life at a time where I had simply
withdrawn from all things romantic to concentrate on "healing
thyself", if you will. Apparently it worked better than I could
have ever imagined!
A lot of people, meaning well, had told me that I
shouldn't have given Greg a chance; after all, his "previous record"
was abysmal at best. Those same people were worried that I'd be
hurt again at a time
when I needed as little hurt as possible.
And believe me, I appreciated everyone's counsel - I still do.
But I'm glad now that I gave him a shot, because it's ended up
being the best relationship that I've ever had. I have been
incredibly happy these past seven months. I have the potential to be happy for seven
more months, maybe seven years, even seven decades. I don’t know how long things will last, but
right now I am happy, ecstatic - content.
I love him a whole lot, and then some!
Now, bleh, for the worst of 2011. There’s always some bad to it…
The house
robbery – April 30, 2011
I learned just how well I could handle a
serious crisis when my house was broken into that night. My television was ripped off of the wall –
and I do mean RIPPED, quite literally – and a good deal of electronic equipment
was stolen. But while the thieves took “things”,
they gave me a sense of self back in an odd way – I learned that I could handle
even the worst situation, that I didn’t have to fall apart in order to get my
life together, if that makes sense.
Still, it was a harrowing time in my life that I’d much rather not repeat. A burglar alarm installed in my house took
care of the feeling of violation – although now that Greg is here, I don’t have
the feeling that my house is being watched anymore. We both come in and out of here at different
and oddball times, so no one ever really knows if he, or I, or both of us are
home. We just got new neighbors as well,
and they have dogs – so I definitely feel extra safe these days.
The broken wrist - August 25, 2011
I had an accident at the Camden Yards light
rail and admittedly wasn’t watching where I was going, and it cost me
dearly. I spent six weeks in a cast that
drove me nearly bugfuck, and almost failed two of my college courses during the
healing time (ever try to take a writing course with a broken wrist? It’s not easy). The cast came off in mid-October, but even on
New Year’s Eve, I still have trouble lifting some things and gripping
others. I’ve faced the fact that my
wrist will never be the same, and I will never have the mobility that I used
to. It is what it is.
So, now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s turn to
predictions. I showed Greg last year’s
post full of predictions, and he had to laugh at the “relationship/social life”
one where it said there’d be “no change whatsoever”. Boy, did I miss the mark on that one or what?
Health, Physical: A
lot of bad things have happened to me this year, medical-wise. It’s not been just the wrist, but other
troubling things have developed with my reproductive system, my feet, and as
usual my weight. I have lost a total of
eleven pounds over the past year – it had been as high as 25, but I’ve put over
half of that back on, and unfortunately most of it has been within the last
three months due to the holidays and my injury making me extra-cautious as far
as lifting things is concerned. I’m
going to give it one last shot as far as doing this on my own – after that, I
will revisit the idea of bariatric surgery (though I really don’t want to do
that, I’ve viewed the procedure and it looks downright scary). I have started to flex my cooking skills a
bit more since Greg came, so hopefully I’ll find new and healthy recipes to
try. I am starting a new blog where I fix
one new recipe a week and report results, so that might get me toward healthier
eating, a bit. I also want to maybe
start up a little veggie garden of my own, if I can. We’ll see how that pans out, but as usual I
say that I’m going to do something about my physical health – I want to be able
to STICK to that this year. I think that
maybe I’ll have better luck because other things are finally beginning to
settle down. Such as….
Health, Mental: The
biggest breakthrough of them all this year.
As noted above, I believe that my depression has either been cured or is
in EXTREME remission. I think, honestly,
that it’s gone, though. I feel stronger,
more energetic and happier about life in general. I wake up in the morning and while I still
feel ‘blah’ about some things (like going to work, for example), these are
NORMAL THINGS to feel ‘blah’ about! I
look forward to spending time with Greg, and even spending some time alone to
recharge and energize. I seriously am so
much better in this area. I have been
reduced to once every 2 months for therapy, and in truth I think we’re going to
simply go to an “as needed” basis. Which
is a HUGE stride for only a year and a half.
I am doing well. Very, very well. I think that will continue on an upward path.
Career: I am STILL in
the freaking drug lab, sigh. I didn’t
really concentrate on looking for another job until the last 2 months of this
year, and that was only because someone pissed me off enough down there that I
finally said to myself, “I’ve had enough of this bullshit to last a lifetime”. But in truth, it’s really time to consider
moving on. I’ve been there nearly three
and a half years – there’s really nowhere left to go for me. I’m updating my resume, trying to strengthen
my professional network, and of course going full steam on the college degree,
which should be completed in another year or so. Hopefully I’ll find something or have found
something better by this time next year.
Social/Relationships:
Another huge breakthrough this year, obviously, with the addition of
Greg in my life. My social network is
also beginning to improve a bit. I’ve
gotten rid of some very, VERY toxic people that drug me down and through the
mud, and in truth I should have done that a LONG time ago. I’ve learned who my friends really are, and
who pretends. I’ve learned through
adversity who will be there for me and who only pays lip service. Valuable lessons, all, and ones that I’ll not
soon forget. Although I’m still quite
cautious about the future (and yes, a bit of the skeptic remains within me), I
think that my relationship with Greg will continue to be fulfilling, happy,
loving and healthy in 2012.
Financial: Not so
good right now due to mounting bills (especially the holidays, which I admit I
went overboard on this year – but it was the first decent Christmas I’ve spent
in over 10 years and I WANTED it to be special – and it WAS). Knowing myself the way that I do, I’ll have a
much better picture overall as the months go by, though I will have to start
putting a significant amount of money away for a couple of pretty important
reasons coming up, not the least of which that my mother’s health is beginning
to fail, and I need to start looking for a bigger place (hopefully with an “in-law”
style apartment) so that I can take care of her when I need to. Unfortunately it’s beginning to come to that
point. I knew it would eventually, but I
didn’t count on it being this soon.
Still, I’m prepared to deal with it, and I know that Greg will help me
if he can – he’s so sweet like that. :D
And… that’s it for 2011, really. It has been a whirlwind of a year. It has been a year full of massive upheavals,
both in the world at large and in my own life.
It ends much, much differently for me than when it began. I end 2011 in a position of pure strength, of
joy, of renewed hope in living and in life, of reawakening in emotion and in
compassion. I am once again alive and
vibrant. I have been reborn. I am now the phoenix that has risen from the
ashes – not the ashes themselves.
I am special. I am
important. I am vital to myself and to
others.
I AM.
While this video expresses thanks for a relationship (and it's certainly how I feel about Greg), I think this video's lyrics apply to everything in my life. After all... "If the sun refuses to shine, I would still be loving...."... myself as well. :)
