This roller coaster is making me ill.

For the last couple of days, I've been see-sawing up and down between utter despair and normalcy (but never euphoria of any kind). I am getting scared. The depression is spiraling out of control, and I have no way to abate it when it comes. My emotions are like the wind - I am okay one minute, crying the next, unable to banish stupid thoughts from my brain while at the same time recognizing and realizing what the problems are within myself. I do know - but I feel powerless to stop it.

I wish I could just crumple in a corner and sob until someone, anyone, would step up and realize that there is something WRONG with me!

What is wrong with me? What? How do I fix this so that I can just live again without feeling tortured like this?

The sad thing is that even now as I write this, I can HEAR my mother's voice in my head saying "stop being so melodramatic".

I have never felt so horrible in my life as I do right now. I'm on the train getting ready to go to work, and it hasn't started yet - God help me but I just want to get off and go back home. I feel, quite simply, awful. Sick. Not physically, though when I shut my eyes just now I felt dizzy (which is another physical symptom that has manifested recently). I haven't been eating very well, either - here lately I've not been able to tolerate anything but liquids or soft-textured food like Jello or pudding or something that I can easily swallow down. It seems too much an effort to even eat anymore.

Is it any wonder that I feel suicide is a way to escape this? I'm not living, I am merely existing, and that's no way for anyone to be.

I'm still trying to find help. But insurance and red tape are tangling everything, and in the meantime I'm getting worse. I am so fucking scared. I'm going to end up locked away in the hospital again if I don't get help soon.

Someone, anyone, fucking help me before I crack.... I am fucking wasting away....God, I am so fucking sick and scared out of my mind.

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