Starting to wake up.

I begin my first post of 2009 with anger. But it's not necessarily a bad sort of anger... simply a realization, a 'wakeup call', if you will. An epiphany.

I hold a lot of anger at people, a great deal of it that's never been expressed in any sort of healthy or productive way. Somehow, I've never learned how to sit people down and say, "You know, I don't appreciate what you did", or "I don't like to be treated that way", whatever. It's all a part of my currently tattered mental health that I need to sit down and work on, and I fully intend to do just that.

I was on a frequently-visited site earlier this evening, one that I usually read just for drama kicks - some of those people bring so much drama and idiocy upon themselves that I just have to laugh about it. Well, one of the posts that was made there - about women trying to break off bad relationships... oddly, it made me think. I'll paraphrase -

"If you do contact, and they don't respond, you haven't gained anything but prolonged hurt. If they do respond, what next? They will not provide closure or give you any answers. Their response will be the same as it's been in the past. While, you, on the other hand, have not gained a damn thing except more heartache.

Never let 'em see you sweat (that it's over, or anything else). And never let 'em see you cry (or know you have been). Why give them that satisfaction?

Let THEM think YOU are getting over THEM just fine, thank you. They didn't care about your hurt feelings or anger or whatever WHEN YOU WERE WITH THEM. Trust me, they sure don't now."

.....

....so that made me think. Yeah. Whoever wrote that is right. Do any of the people that I was generous to give a portion of myself to really give a fuck about me or my feelings... or my anger?

I'm sitting here in 2009 grieving over people that probably haven't thought about me in years, don't think about me, could care less what I think at all. It's not necessarily people that I've been deeply involved with, but EVERYONE that's hurt me in the past. Fuck them and fuck what they think. Fuck it!

Yeah, this post is full of anger, but ... I think it just might be time to get mad.

This year it's about ME. Fuck everyone else. I'm done kowtowing and being nice to people that don't give a shit about me. So... fucking... done.

First video of '09 is a nasty one. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Wednesday 13 - Bad Things. Lyrics here.