I've been quite ill as of late; if you've been reading or checking in here regularly, you already know this. I've been sick, really, since the start of February. Finally the cold/virus/whatever the hell this was is starting to loosen its grip on me, but there's been other physical problems as of late that have been at the very least bothering me and sometimes outright scaring me. Mainly it's to do with my G-I system, digestion, appetite, etc. I'll just say that things have NOT been good in this area and leave it at that (so that I don't "disturb" any feeble stomachs out there, haha).
As I race toward 40, I've been a bit emotional as well. I don't really know why this is - I AM okay with turning 40, myself, and I don't feel that much different inside. I think it's the world around me doing a number on my head right now. Realizing that I'm now "middle-aged". Realizing that the things of my childhood are now of a different generation, of a different time, that the world has changed SO MUCH since then when in truth I feel as if I could just reach back in time and step into that world I once knew again. It's slapping me full in the face that I CAN'T. It hurts. I've always had trouble reconciling the past as most people know, but now it's REALLY fucking with my head.
Plus, a lot of my friends are now either settling down for good, or they're having babies. Jesus, if I see one more person on my Facebook announcing that they're having a kid, I'm going to start deleting at random. That's sometimes REALLY hard for me to look at. It's pretty much understood that children are now not in the cards for me. I'm okay with that, but seeing all of these cutesy baby photos and people gushing over little dresses and suits and all the "clappy hands" every time the kid chews food or takes a whiz or whatever.... Jesus Q. fucking Christ, I don't want to know. I really don't. Sometimes it makes me feel so inadequate as a person, it's like, "Oh.... you don't have kids." Meaningful pause. "Well, you won't understand, then."
I understand, all right. I understand that you've ceased to exist. It's all about your offspring now. YOU'VE disappeared into oblivion. Yeah, well, maybe it's just as well that we're no longer "friends", huh?
Honestly, I'm worried that I'm starting to regress back into the depression; not as pronounced or as strong as it once was, but gradually, slipping slowly into a sad abyss. I hope not. I can't afford to lose any more of my life on this.
Some of it, too, is that I've genuinely been busy in addition to all of this going on. Trying to balance a fulltime job with fulltime school, trying to make sure I have enough time to also enjoy my life.... it's sped up past 78rpm and into the stratosphere. It's hard these days. That doesn't mean I want it to slow down or that I want the depression back - GAWD, no - but sometimes I wish I could just step off of the carousel every now and then and breathe.
I hate feeling so negative, and in turn writing it all down here, because it seems as if I'm ALWAYS negative, that I never have a good word to say. I do, honestly, and it's one of the reasons why this blog isn't really that "active" anymore. But.... sometimes I just feel like I need to write it out, because some of the thoughts that I have would really repel a lot of people, not that I don't already, I suppose.
I have another therapy session on Sunday, the first in six weeks. I think I could use some clarity, maybe.
I haven't written in my food blog in nearly a month, too, but that's because I've just felt too sick to cook. I hope I can actually start to pick that up again soon.
Bah. I'm just whining here now. I'll feel better soon, I think; just getting some more of the poison out before going back to my "real life".
Thanks for listening.
1 comment:
Sometimes, seeing what other people are doing/not doing can do this. You're wondering why didn't I do this or that or how/why did I end up the way I did. However, regardless of all that, you're living your life and you've worked hard to get where you are and you've made the decisions that were best for you. This means that some things may be different for you than for others, but in the end you are where you are because you've done amazing things with the cards you've been dealt and you shouldn't regret anything.
I've been following your blog closely and I've seen you come a long long way and you don't need to compare yourself to others for validation. No 2 people come into this world with the same opportunities, and what matters isn't how different you are from other people, but what you've made of your own opportunities. Looking back at all I know about you and the trials you've gone through, I am damn proud of knowing someone as strong as you and someone who has come so far with so little. You've made the decisions that were right for you and if that means that you don't have a pampers pooper puking all over you, that's not something that makes you inadequate. In fact, there are probably quote a few people out there that should've made the decision not to have a baby but weren't responsible enough.
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