Burnout.

So tired.  I'm starting to feel the pinch of everything going on around me and it's not having a good effect on my mind or what I need to do.  It seems that I can't get back "into my groove"; ever since the beginning of February when I first fell ill, I've sort of lost my momentum.  I'm tired nearly all of the time now; can't seem to sleep enough, my appetite has taken a huge hit, physically I'm a wreck.  I don't know - all of this could be psychosomatic because of my birthday coming up, who knows, but this is really not something I need to be experiencing right now.


Greg and I watched an episode of "Chesapeake Collectibles" on public television tonight.  We learned about the origins of the Duncan yo-yo and how they were originally called "tops".  We learned that the word "yo-yo" actually originated in the Philippines and that a group of young Filipino men were the first to demonstrate how the toys actually worked.  We learned things about a little toy that may not seem like a big deal to you - but we LEARNED something.  We educated ourselves.

It's a shame that most people would turn down that knowledge to watch the latest "Jersey Shore" and how every male in the state is probably giving the DNA clinics a run for their money now that Nicole Polizzi is pregnant.  Seriously.  The dumbing down of America.  Where does it end?


I find, more alarmingly, that my mental state is becoming more and more apathetic.  Not in a depressing way like it was before, but sort of a dull "keep your problems to yourselves, I have my own" way.

There's a lot of things going on in the world right now, things that I should be feeling anxiety or stress or excitement over, but.... all I want is to be left alone and to be happy with my life, my relationship, my work, settle down.  Be a homebody, I guess.  I see the world's problems and I just shrug them all off.  Hey, great, bully for all of you - whatever.  That's what goes through my mind when I see it.

I feel so guilty for not being more concerned.  But what can I really do about any of it?  I've done so much fighting of my own to get stabilized and to achieve what I have; I can't seem to really motivate myself to care about the rest of the world.  Perhaps, maybe, I think to myself that people are too lazy - after all, I managed to struggle through and solve my own problems - why should I assist others when I had to do my thing all alone?  Could that be it?

I feel bad, that's all I know.  I feel bad that I have less concern over what happens to Joseph Kony or whether he's convicted of war crimes; this is a BAD guy, ladies and gentlemen, but what am I going to do about it?  Will his being in prison affect me directly?  Does it put a paycheck in my pocket?

I have no concern over the birth control debate - to me it's the same stupid shit as the abortion debate.  Right wing fanatics are never going to agree about anything - what's the difference here?  So birth control is free now - so what?  I was used to paying money for it, anyway, now I just get a pleasant little surprise every 4 weeks.  If it went back to the way it was, I'd just pay for it once again like I had been.  What am I going to do about it?  Will it change anything about how I'm living?  I know, I know, every woman has the right to birth control - I agree with that.  But if it's taken away, what can I do about it?  I have no power here.  I have no way to change anything in this world - I've learned to accept and to live with it.

I feel bad that I feel nothing over the Trayvon Martin situation.  He was wantonly killed, there's no doubt about it, and yes, I believe there are elements of racism here - but what can I do about it other than agree with everyone else about how George Zimmerman should pay for his crime?  I can't personally lock the man up for shooting a 17 year old kid.  Will it even bring Trayvon Martin back?  Any of this?

Apparently, people find it entertaining to watch high school kids getting the shit beaten out of them on YouTube.  It's just another day in the life of American society, the mindless sheep getting their kicks.

I just see people screaming into the wind about injustice and how life isn't fair and how much the world's going to shit all around us.  And none of it matters.  Because this is life, nothing will change it.  Bad shit happens.  Sometimes bad shit happens TO us.  What can we do other than roll with the inevitable punches?

That is so fatalistic.  I sound so negative.  But I'm really not feeling negative - it's just cold, hard fact.  I can't change anything about what's going on in the world.

This song by Ten Years After outlines my feelings perfectly.  I feel so guilty for them, but... like the lyrics say, "I don't know what to do."






I fear for my future in a world that is increasingly not only indifferent, but oblivious.