Mind you, that's not a complaint; on the contrary, I'm glad of it. I do wonder idly sometimes if keeping this blog is a waste of time, though, as I really don't have much to say anymore - at least, not about the state of my mind. I have nothing left to be depressed about, and while I have residual doubts about my life and the world around me, it's all ... I don't know if "dulled down" is the right term, really. I can't really describe my state of mind anymore, only I know it's not unhappy or bad. Does that make any sense?
I'm still physically "off", though. I've forced myself to go to work despite my cold and I'm still paying for it in some respects. I had to take the day off today because I thought I was literally going to die yesterday afternoon while I was working, but I also have tomorrow to recuperate as well. I hope that I feel better soon - this winter in particular has been rough on me as far as colds and viruses go, sigh.
This is probably the first time in a long time that I can remember saying it, but I can't wait for spring to arrive. That, and warmer temperatures. I'm tired of the cold... and now that I'm getting older, I find that it's a bit harder on me than in previous years. Not that I'm ready for a home or anything, though. :p
I wish that I had more to say. But the simple truth is that I don't. Not really. This blog has always been somewhat of a complaint center for me when it came to my depression and feeling bad and moaning about things that I always had the power to change, if I wanted to. Since I don't have anything to complain about, and much to be grateful for, I find myself using this blog less and less. Perhaps I'll one day cease to write anything at all, and let this stand as a tribute to the fractured person I used to be... how chasing an obsession can make you crazy.... how in the end, your life and happiness is up to YOU to create, not someone else.
The past entries make me very sad. I'm sad that I wasted so much time, that I couldn't see the proverbial forest for the trees, that I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else's sickness, and so easily. But we're all human, I guess, and maybe that just made me more human than most.
I still want to eventually tell the whole story. Right now the apathy is growing, which is a good thing, because it allows me to detach. I'm almost detached completely now from a lot of things and people surrounding it; there are still pieces of the puzzle that I need to work on, but it's spiraling rapidly toward total indifference. It took very little time, which perhaps means that I was simply done with it anyway, and that the appearance of Greg just sped it along further. There are still aspects that infuriate me, mainly acts that happened after all was said and done. But I see it for what it is now, a sad attempt at what used to be a ... hell, I can't even say friendship. Because it wasn't, was it?
If a person that you were once "close" with finds a relationship with a person they love very much, it is NOT apropos to request the details of sexual encounters between the two of them. I'm sorry, but Jesus Q. fucking Christ - that is SO none of your business. Or maybe I SHOULD tell the truth - yes, we fuck. Yes, it's good. Yes, he's the BEST lover I've ever had and yes, he knows things that you will never have time to learn even if you live another 50 years. Are those the details you want to hear?
Seriously... if this "person" had any respect for me, the question would NEVER have been asked. I think it was this pivotal moment in time when I realized just what this person thought of me, how this person saw me, and I realized that he had zero, ZERO respect for me and probably never did from day one. And I felt such a flood of disgust when he asked that shit. I really did. I was like, how fucking dare you ask a question like that. As if it's your business. As if I'd tell you. As if you're close enough in my life that you even deserve to know.
It's a form of voyeurism, of course. The desire to view what a good relationship/sex life is, since he apparently isn't able to provide it - to me or to anyone. I'm honestly not really envious of any female he'll eventually get tangled up with, because he's fractured, damaged, unable to love and be loved in a normal relationship. I offered him that - he couldn't do it. And I was foolish enough to think that I could actually change that. How glad I am now that it failed... because I now have real love, honest love, respect and happiness.
He has... a computer and his hand.
How's that working for you?
Heh, this turned into a rant. Oh, well; I told you this was my complaint center, haha. In any case, what I'm doing now is healthy - it's getting all of the poison out in a safe, harmless way, and I can move on with my life. My real life! And...my happy life. :D
Hopefully I'll feel better the next time I check in here. Until then.
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