Those so-called "physical problems" that I was referring to last week? They've metastasized into a full-blown, nasty common cold that both Greg and I have unfortunately been hit with - just our luck. Sigh. So now I'm stuck in bed, alternately sweating and freezing to death. It's very doubtful that I'll be going to work on Monday if I continue to feel like this. For my sake, I hope not, because I just got my sick leave back up to an acceptable level; if I have to take more time off, it'll take forever to get it back.
I hate it when I feel like this. I feel so unproductive and unable to do much of anything other than lay in bed and... well, moan about what I'm not doing. Everyone tells me that I push myself too hard, and maybe I do, because I feel horrifically guilty about just lying here. I feel like I should get up and try to clean the house, cook a meal, something. But if I do, I quickly feel winded, exhausted, just... bad. I know I need to stay the hell in bed.
More complaining. It's what I seem to do best. :p
I did manage to file my taxes today; maybe that's something.
Life continues on, such as it is. It just gets better all the time. I've finally found a lucky relationship, I think, and that relationship enhances my life; as such, my now-enjoyable life enhances my relationship. I've seriously never been happier in my life than I have been these past 8, almost 9 months. Oh, yes, I still doubt sometimes... and a bit of the "old" me crops up now and again, did I do the right thing, am I doing the right thing, is this the right thing to consider, etc. But I think that I'm trying to do the best I can, and that means to trust a little more.
The walls that I had built around my heart, my self, are slowly being dismantled, brick by painful brick. It's all coming down. I am being exposed to the light. And I'm drinking everything in.
I am noticing changes not only in myself, but in others that I know. Suddenly, my friends are... older. They have children, families, others to consider in their daily lives. They no longer feel up to the "old days", being wild, partying, etc. They're settling down now. I've seen more than one post on Facebook about how "they're too old to party/get in trouble", "they have others to think of and consider", etc. It makes me wonder how much I've changed, as well. I wonder about my ways... they're pretty much set, now. I know how I want things to be, and I get very upset at any changes or deviations from the routine that I've managed to create for myself. I don't know if that's because of the natural process of aging or because I'm finally secure enough to a point where things aren't continually upset.
It's something to ponder. I'm happy to be the age that I am... yes, almost forty. I will cop to that. Next month, I will be forty years old. I am totally okay with that. Knowing what I know now, I would never go back in time, not to 20, not to 30. Those were not happy years for me. I was not in control of my life, of myself, of things around me. Now.... it's a different story. I am content, no matter what happens.
I am more than happy to have Greg in my life, and if he wants it, for the rest of my life. But even if it doesn't work out that way... I will continue my life and be happy for myself. I have survived the worst of the worst; emotional abuse, neglect, rape, molestation, physical abuse, abandonment, long-term depression. I have made it through all of that.... I have survived it.
I am secure now in who and in what I am. Nothing and nobody can change that... except me.
"I get to live the life I choose."
Bless the person who put that up in the office next to mine. These are now the words I live by. This is my motto. It was meant for the ex-cons, the felons, the drug addicts. It was also meant for me.
Wow, I got contemplative there for a second. I guess it's because I still marvel that I've come so far in so little a time. I am amazed at my own ability to heal thyself, if you will.
Speaking of healing, though, I should sleep so I can shake this stupid cold. I hope that the next couple of days won't be wasted ones.
Until then.
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