Pure joy!

Recently, I've been suffering from increased physical problems -
mainly GI stuff, digestion, that kind of thing - and I've come to the
conclusion that I'm simply getting old and can't really just do what I
want to do anymore, which sort of sucks. There's been lots of little
things that have been a source of irritation as well, mainly the usual
- work, school, etc.

I woke up this morning to a very dark, gray, raining sky. When I went
to work this morning, I actually didn't feel too badly; it slowly
dawned on me that whether or not it was raining and dark, I was here
to enjoy it (or not enjoy it, my choice). There was a point where I
would have enjoyed the morning for the wrong reasons - i.e., it's dark
and raining and that means the entire world feels like crap, just like
I do, wah wah wah.

That was the old me.

I enjoyed the rain and the gray skies today for a different reason. I
actually got to thinking about rebirth - the entire world is going
through a process where the old and the dying are rejuvenating,
turning into something beautiful and new. In a couple of months,
spring will be here again. The birds will return. The flowers will
grow again. And there'll be rain, rainbows, sun, clouds, all of the
marvelous things that Earth provides but that I've neglected for so
long. Until now.

Suddenly I saw a shaft of light through the darkness. It reminded me
of what I've become in the last year. That one crack in the facade
can brighten an entire world.

I'm realizing that I'm very, very lucky indeed. Good things have
happened to me this past year, and continue to happen. I am learning
the value of gratitude; being grateful for what I have, who I have,
how far I've come, how much further I have to go. It's all a process,
a balance. There's no doubt in my mind that I've been fucked with in
my nearly 40 years on this earth - that's for sure. But it's my
choice to either let that bring me down to the value of nothing.... or
to take it, work it, learn from it and make my life that much better.
Does that make sense?

Even if I lost everything I have tomorrow.... I have the ability, the
strength, the moxie to start over once again, and to improve on things
that I may not have liked or wanted. I have that power. I have the
power to decide what my life is to be.

"I get to live the life I choose."

And so I look out on those gray skies today, and I laugh with delight,
because I don't see darkness and loss and depression. I see rebirth,
new possibilities, experiences, opportunities. I see rejuvenation. I
see the beginnings of love.

I am a long, long way from three years ago, from six years ago. I
don't really know that woman anymore. While she wasn't someone I ever
wanted to be twins with, I'm glad that I did know her, once. It makes
the depth of gratitude I hold that much stronger, that much more
solid.

I am glad to be alive today. Every day.