There are a lot of things going on inside of my cracked head today, and as usual I'm not sure of where to start first. Do I complain about the latest irritation from my past that's gotten under my skin? Do I talk about my grades and the start of the new online session? (That's considerably better news, heh.) Do I talk about other, more socially important things right now, like my opinions of the Occupy whateverwhatever around the country? (And now the world, too, so I hear.)
Where do I begin?
The fact is, there's a lot going on with me right now, and yet... there's nothing at all. Not really. I don't have a lot of personal crises going on, or even any, for that matter. If it weren't for my past consistently sticking its ass in my face, I'd be pretty much as calm as you could ask for, these days. But I'm trying not to even let anything from the past bring me down, not anymore. I mean... there's nothing I can really do about it anyway, right?
I guess I'll start with that, and it's not even a huge deal - some of my friends posted a few pictures on Eff-Bee of their trip to RenFest (a place that Greg and I just had a visit to, not even a week ago), and one of the people who had used me (rather shamefully, I might add) for their own amusement (yes, sex, you read it here first, ladies and gentlemen) was in the picture. (Needless to say, I had really liked him a lot at the time - and of course, he used that against me, as people of that type usually do.) He's a rather close friend of these other friends of mine - but I've made it clear that I don't want to be anywhere around him, I don't want to hear his name mentioned, or to see him in any aspect. Naturally, those pictures threw me for a loop - but I'm not going to tell people who to be friends with, that's absurd. It doesn't mean I have to like it, though, now does it.
Anyway, I had a chance to really rip this "guy" (if you can call him that) a new asshole. I could have used the comments on the picture to address him directly, telling him what a scumbucket he is, laying it out there - and in the past, I wouldn't have hesitated. But, now.... something made me think twice about making a move like that. And I'll tell you what it is.
These are my friends. I've known them for eons, longer than even he has. I respect them, and I don't feel that I should create drama on a picture of what was obviously a very nice time that was posted on their profile - I don't even have the right to do such a thing. I have more respect and class than that, and I won't lower myself to that level. And, quite honestly - he isn't even worth the hot air I'd expend laying him out to whaleshit. Yeah, it would definitely feel good, there's no doubt about that, and if I had the chance for a confrontation without putting myself or others in a bad position, I would take it in a fucking heartbeat. (Hey - I have respect for others, but that doesn't mean I'm a doormat or that I'm not vindictive. Ask anyone.)
But there's a time and a place. That wasn't it.
Unfortunately, this douchebag is the same reason why I haven't been attending their parties or events or barbecues, though I've always been invited (and they're gracious enough to include me, something I'm grateful for - they really are terrific people). I wanted to go to their last party - with Greg, and wouldn't that have been a kick in the nuts, we'd have set the rooms on fire with our makeout sessions, hahaha - but work schedules didn't permit it. It's always really hard to go to anything on a Saturday, and if it's on Saturday night (which it is most of the time), it's damned near impossible. Greg and I have talked about this at length - because there's no chance of not running into this oozing pustule at the parties they throw - and I guess that's how we'll handle it. Lots of making out. Which is no hardship, believe you me. :D
Like I said - it's not really anything to throw a hissy fit over, but it bore mentioning. Because, after all, this is about me, right? Right. :p
The end of the first online session has arrived - it looks like I'm going to pass both courses, the psych. crim by a lot and the writing by a little. I was very, very, very lucky to have passed that writing course, believe me - for a while there I saw absolutely no hope whatsoever. And it's a required course. But now that it's all said and done, I have ONE more gen. ed. class - the math. The damned, awful, horrific, hard-assed math course. Sigh. I always knew it would come down to the wire eventually, and here I am. I'm still going to try and put it off as long as I can, because.... well, I have to prepare mentally, I think. I took a remedial math course a couple of years back and got a perfect score on it, so... I think I'm ready. But time will tell.
The second online session offers my historical requirement course - American film studies and culture, which looks to be a right blast - and public safety leadership policies, which is as dry as it sounds and just as boring. Then comes the spring semester - I've registered for bioethics, parenting in the modern world (heh... I can only imagine how that's going to turn out), gender and aging issues (old ladies :p), and computer forensics. Obviously all carefully selected to fulfill the empty spots in my progress report, but that's something I really now have to concentrate on, or I'll be in school another X amount of years - this is not something I want to do, at least not for a bachelor's.
A master's, however.... that might be on the table. What the hell? I've got nothing better to do. :p
I don't have much more to go. My progress report says 35 credits, but 17 of those are electives - so, 18 credits left that are the core of what I need to know. And then... I'm done. I never dreamed back in February of 2009 that this would all come to pass. I really, truly didn't.
But, then.... I'm a different person than I was in February of 2009. And a much better one, at that.
As far as my third topic.... the Occupy (name your city here, blah blah) stuff.... Greg and I kind of had a bit of a discussion about that, though it was short in nature... and that's because I honestly don't have much of an opinion about it. I mean, it's great that they're out there protesting, don't get me wrong. I support their efforts. But as a child of a parent that marched endlessly in 1980s demonstrations for peace and equality and no more war and no more police brutality, etc., etc..... it never came to pass. If anything, the world is MORE fucked up now than it ever was in the 80s. And those demonstrations robbed me of a lot of the nurturing and the time I needed my parent (note the singular) to spend with me. Those demonstrations were the reason I spent my teenage years alone, lost, wasted, alien in a world that never seemed to give a fuck if I lived or died. So... in a way, they're actually an emotional trigger for me. I cannot participate in them. I cannot even watch them.
I just don't think that they'll do any good. Basic human nature isn't going to change. It doesn't matter if we have Obama re-elected, or this new guy Cain with his '9-9-9-' schtick, or Hubert Q. Motherfucker. It's not going to make a difference - human nature doesn't change. I compare it to Orwell's "Animal Farm", really - it all starts out with talk of a utopian society, but in the end, "all animals are equal; but some animals are more equal than others."
That's why it's pointless to vote, even though I still do it (mainly because Susan B. Anthony didn't go through a bunch of bullshit for nothing). But.... as for hoping for real change in this country? Heh.... thanks for the laugh, seriously.
And that's my soliloquy for today, I guess. I haven't done one in ages... I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves. :p
Until next time.
2 comments:
glad things are turning around. as for the asshole at parties, i know from seeing an ex at parties, and then making out, all i thought was.. who are they trying to convince? me or themselves? so, i hope that was just a joke. (i'm too tired at this hour to note sarcasm.. lol)
best of luck with school. i have to admit, i am curious on what is considered "modern parenting". because if what's going on in this country is "modern", then i'm glad to say i raise my boys OLD SCHOOL! haha
the occupy stuff... to me, it's like praying... the feeling that your doing something that in the end really has no effect on anything. they are out there for so many reasons other than just the big bank stuff, so kudos for them for standing for what they believe in, even if there is no change in the end. least they tried.
have a good week hun! love ya!! *smooch*
Well, I don't really know how we're going to handle seeing Douchebag, to be honest, because the first visceral reaction of Greg's, of course, was, "I'm gonna kill him." While comforting in theory, in practice that's a bit more sticky. :p
I do support what "Occupy" is doing, to some extent, but it's just a huge emotional trigger for me because of my childhood. I didn't have my mother around when I needed her because she was too busy trying to change the world. I still have a lot of baggage to deal with from that, so it just strikes a bit of a painful chord with me. I hope that they get what they're asking for, though.
At this point, my feeling is: don't hurt me or mine, and otherwise I could care less what happens. Cold, maybe, but it's how I operate these days.
You have a great week yourself, missy. :p
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