First time I'm writing from my new phone - it feels awkward.
I've had a couple of down days this week. Nothing close to what it used to be, thank Christ for that, but...bad enough, I guess. The weather has matched my general mood - grey, raining, sad. There was once a time that I would have embraced this - now I just feel sad, misty-eyed, maybe even a bit weepy.
I've been going down memory lane again, unfortunately, which is typical of me. When am I going to learn that doing this causes me nothing but pain?
One good thing that's come out of it, though, is that some things don't hurt quite so much anymore. There's always that slight sting of regret....of wondering what could have been. But I've lived too much of my life in the past, and for the longest time. My future obviously didn't lie in the people and places I've been - it just takes my heart longer to accept that than my head.
Don't get me wrong, okay. I'm insanely happy right now with the way my life is going. For once, I have no reason to complain. But....as usual, I'm conflicted about the ones that have hurt me in the past. Part of me wants to rub my good fortune in their faces - "this could have been you, you stupid fucking idiot" - another part says to let them know I still, always will, care about them even if they've hurt me horribly. And then...there's that part of me that just wants to laugh in their face because they'll never change - they'll still be in the hell that they've created for themselves 5, 10, 25 years later.
I'm no longer willing to live in hell, especially for the sake of another. Especially when they didn't deserve me to begin with.
Ever since I met Greg - and maybe long before that - I've learned that I'm worth more than a few scraps of time or affection. A LOT more. And that some people will never have the mental currency to afford me.
It just saddens me that I once poured time and energy into people that, indeed, could never afford me. I think that's what really makes me down - it isn't that I miss them in my life or that I want them back, because I don't. It's the wasted time and the wasted years that make me sad.
When will I learn that I can't save the world?
Sigh.
2 comments:
This post should have been titled: Self-Realizations.
It's very positive even if it doesn't give the impression at times.
PS Loving the non-black-mordacious-look.
i love the new look of the blog too, and the fresh color gives a sense of "renewal".
it's hard to kick the habit of looking back, but i know for myself, i've changed it to also realize that what i have now, i don't think i would appreciate it as much as i do had i not gone through what i did in my past. it's amazing what the right partner in life can do to you as a whole... mind, body and spirit!
i'm just tickled pink for you woman!!
Post a Comment