While it's not been completely a "normal" week for me - I had a meltdown yesterday of near epic proportions, and right on the train coming home from work, at that - it's beginning to smooth out a little. It helps that I'll be back in school in a couple of weeks - my classes begin on May 31, though the announcements are already up and encouraging me to get started early. So be it. I'm ready to jump into it again - six months was enough of a break, and I'm honestly getting restless and bored. Time to start doing something with my life.
My classes this term are Domestic Violence (this one looks a breeze), Listening (that one could go either way), and Correctional Administration, which looks to be a BEAST of a course, ugh. The instructor for CA in particular seems to be a real hardass, but we'll see. Often those that look hard turn out to be the best instructors. When I took my criminalistics course last fall, I despised the instructor, but ended up pulling a solid B in that course, AND I ended up with a near perfect grade on my midterm in that. Go figure. (I never did find out how I'd done in the final, though. Guess once I got my B, it didn't matter much.) I have a 3.2 GPA so far - not a perfect score by any means, but hey - I work full-time at a very demanding, stressful job so as far as I'm concerned, I'm sailing smooth. It keeps me grounded, you know?
I already have the opportunity to register for fall courses, but I haven't decided what I need quite yet. There's several requirements that I have to fulfill if I want to get out of school as soon as possible, and I really have to sit down and analyze what I'm doing. Unfortunately, a lot of these requirements involve either taking simple core beginner level courses that I need (which won't help me as far as my upper-level requirements go), or the hideous math and science stuff that I know I need but don't want to touch - unfortunately, I'm going to have to take them soon, because I'm running out of options. Sigh.
I'm not even really sure why I'm doing this anymore. I went back to college because I literally "had nothing better to do" - I was much sicker at the time and it didn't matter to me whether or not I passed, failed, blah blah. It still kind of doesn't, really. People always say, "Well, you went back, that's what's important." And it is... but at the same time, the mandatory retirement age in law enforcement is 57. That gives me all of 18 years to work with this degree I'll eventually earn. Then what? What do I do after 57? I'm petrified that I won't get another job at that age, you know? I know, it's ridiculous to worry about this now, I'm not even 40 yet. But I started so late in life.... I'm accelerating this degree, going as fast as I can, because I know I've wasted a lot of time that I could have been working, making more money, saving up for retirement. I'm not going to have anyone to take care of me when I get old - whatever I make now, this is it for me. I'm concerned - frightened, even. I won't lie.
But... I guess that I have to live with the fact that I can't predict the future, I suppose. I could get on the MARC tonight and die in a head-on collision with another train. I could go to bed tonight and never wake up again. Who knows? I can't run scared because I don't know what's going to happen, you know?
There's really not much else going on other than this. Work is stable, though this alternative schedule they're trying to cook up is going to play havoc with what little free time I have left... my personal life is absolutely nil (not that I care at the moment), and therapy continues, though as usual I don't really feel as if I'm accomplishing anything. The overwhelming feeling that I have right now is one of exhaustion. I've been so tired as of late. Tired, no energy, "not feeling it", as one of my coworkers would say. I'm just struggling to get through the day, day after day.
I know that this all doesn't sound very promising, but I have a habit of making things sound worse than they really are, and that's in keeping with my pessimistic nature, I suppose. It could be much worse, I know that. And I'm sure things will pick up once I get back into school and have work to do so that I can keep on a schedule. I AM looking forward to that.
Anyhow. Enough rambling, because at this point I'm not really saying all that much. Hopefully I'll feel better when I post next.
1 comment:
glad your feeling a bit better. i totally understand where you're coming from with school. when i graduate, i'll be 41 or 42 depending on if i take any more leave, and then who will want a 42 yr old nutritionist and/or personal trainer when there are younger, fitter fresh college kids in their early 20's? the way i look at it though, i'll find an area where will be most helpful. for me, it most likely will be working with overweight diabetics, considering i will be able to relate with them on a one-on-one basis. that way they can't take the attitude of "what the hell do you know, your a young healthy person!?!" nope, i'm a 42 yr old diabetic with coronary heart disease that changed her life around, so you gonna try to deflect again or get down to business?? LOL
i know some people that go to school "later in life" just to learn something... literally! just to explore a different course of study, or to just to self improve, so i think it's a great thing!
smile darlin.. the weekend is two days away! lol
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