What a waste....

I received an announcement that yet another "friend" (and yes, I put that in quotes for a reason, mainly because this is yet another of those fair-weather friends, you know the type) is getting married. The first thing that I thought was, "You're an idiot.". The second thing I thought was, "I give it a year, tops.". God, I'm so cynical.

But underneath all of the sourness, the plain truth is that I'm angry. I've been incredibly unlucky in relationships and social ties, undoubtedly because of my issues. I stood at the train stop this morning, just as usual, but this morning I ended up crying as if my heart would break. And that's because, well, it's broken.

What do you expect when the first role model you ever have for the opposite sex abandons you as a baby?

I am really having a hard time right now with that. I never really thought about my father in anything but a dismissive, cursory way because...well, he's been absent from my life so no need to think about it, right? Only now do I realize that I hurt, that it was quite possibly the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It makes me more depressed than ever to realize that, because this happened when I was a year old with no conscious memory. Does this mean that I NEVER had a shot at a healthy life?

Now I've got a good idea of why I'm so stuck in the past - because I literally am unable to move ahead. In order to do that, I have to accept the abandonment, and I can't get past it. I just can't do it!

I have never hated my father more than I do right now, as I write this.

So some smartass at this point might now say, "Okay, Carrie, turn lesbian. That will solve all of your men problems.".

Well, I've got news for that smartass - been there, done that and I hold just as much contempt for women as I do men. Maybe more. That's a whole separate issue from what I'm talking about, though, and I'm upset enough, so...another discussion for another day.

If anyone knows someone single that is willing to deal with a depressive that has some serious issues including abandonment, codependency, cynicism, abuse, intense distrust and a possible eating disorder as a result of all of this shit (because now I'm really starting to believe that I'm packing weight in order to hide away)....let me know, would you?

Yeah. Didn't think so.