This blog is two years old! OMFG.

Man. It's absolutely astounding to me that this blog is even still around. Two years ago today, I actually started this journal over again after I'd deleted everything in a black haze of what I now know was a depressive attack. I'm honestly not real sure of what's kept me from doing it again, to be honest, other than the determination that for once in my life, I would finish something that I'd started.

And so I have - only I'm not nearly finished with this. Not by a long shot.

Two years ago, my life was in utter shambles. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I was caught in the throes of my mental illness. Unemployed. Deep in the abyss of despair. Thinking to myself that suicide was the answer to all of my woes, if only I had the courage to actually do it. Faking what little happiness I could muster, and believing that everything was shit.

So, where am I two years later? While I'm not cured by any stretch of the imagination (and probably will never be, as depression is not curable, exactly), I've made great, almost incredible strides toward healing. I know this, despite all of my talk about how epic my failures are. I have a job - yes, it's not really what I wanted out of life, collecting urine from addled drug users, but it's still a job, and a decent-paying one at that. I am in school, advancing toward a criminal justice degree, however slowly I'm inching toward it. And I now own a house, a place of my own, a place that I will never have to leave if I don't wish to. Sure, my social life is still shit - but double-you tea eff, as they say. I can't achieve everything all at once, and even if my social life is desperately lacking, I can't say that I'm truly unhappy with my achievements. Despite all of my complaining.

I've come a long way in recognizing the situations that are toxic for me, and in knowing when to let go of people, places, things. Still working on the past, I suspect that'll be a lifetime project - but I'm trying to move toward the future. And I know there's a future out there for me somewhere, at least in my positive moments. If I end up all alone, at least I can say that I finally had my own way in determining what my future was/is.

Today I feel pretty strong-minded. Not that I can do just about anything - it's not that kind of positive - but that the direction of where my future lies is in my hands. I guess that's a positive thing, after all.

I often wonder what happened to the woman that used to be so energetic, positive, a people-pleaser, etc. But as I look back tonight on two years of this blog... I marvel at how far I've traveled. Yes, I have a long way to go for sure, but.. I'm a far cry from the sick, sad woman that I was 730 days ago. I'm stronger, more determined, with a better direction. While I may not know exactly what I want right now, I have good ideas developing in my head as to what I need. It's just a matter of getting there. And even if I don't fulfill all of my goals (whether right away or ever)... hey, I tried, and that's better than nothing at all. Either try or die, and I'm not ready to die, despite all of my talk of suicide.

It's time to grab the proverbial bull by the... well, you know the rest of the saying.

Onward to year three. I'm incredibly proud of myself today. And I just know you are, too. :p