Actually grateful to be back at work.

Imagine that.  On a Tuesday, yet.  But I have had what can only be described as a rather "weepy" weekend.  I've been crying on and off ever since Saturday morning, all the way up to this morning on the train.  Double-you tea eff.  I'm happy to be here simply to get my stupid, cracked mind to stop wandering to subjects that I just don't need or want to think about.  Still not feeling too good, though.  I don't know if that's because of the weather or what - it's been cold, rainy, generally grey, which I normally love.  But today?  I think I'd actually pay to see the sun again.  Not at all like me.

 

I keep trying to convince myself that it's just the stress of buying the house finally coming to roost, that it's all "caught up" to me and now I'm going through the emotional fallout.  I also tell myself that it's "that time of the month" (I'm sure that's more than you needed to know, but let's face it - shit happens, I'm a female, fucking deal), that it's coming up on school again and I've got that on my mind, that I just have a lot to do and it's overwhelming, oh I keep making up all sorts of excuses which are, in the end, just excuses.  The plain fact is that I don't know what's the fucking matter with me and my eyes are leaking like rusty sieves when I least expect it.  That's the long and short of it.

 

At least these idiots at work are keeping me nice and occupied, though it actually hasn't been that horrible of a day (but then again, it's lunchtime right now, so let's withhold judgement until the afternoon, shall we). 

 

My main fear right now is that the depression is starting to return (and it's never really been 'dormant' in the first place, it's always there, this is not something you can turn on and off like a faucet).  Being alone doesn't help that.  I'm afraid that I'll give in to my baser impulses, which is to simply cut myself off from the rest of the world and never emerge again but to go to work - otherwise my social contact is nil.  It's nil now, but I'll end up not even trying.  I don't really want that to happen, but I can see it coming, and I'm so afraid that I'll just give in and never try again.  I know myself.  I have no incentive to get out or invite anyone into my world.  What's really fucked is that on some days, I don't want anyone around me ever again... and then there are the days where I want it so badly that I cry my stupid head off for the lack of it.  Again... double-you tea eff.

 

Who knows what the fuck is wrong with me.  Maybe I'm normal and it's the rest of the world that's fucked.

 

Back to work, meh.  On a side note - never try to open a botle of frozen diet Coke.  You will end up regretting it.  Trust me.