I'm in Ocean City as I write this. It's bleak, depressing and gray - much like my current mood. I've been in tears on and off throughout the day. Although I try to cheer myself up with the fact that I'm away from home, that I'm in a different place, etc., the fact is that I just feel alien and alone. I don't want to even go downstairs to dinner because it's obvious that I'm all by myself. But go I will, because otherwise my Christmas dinner has been two hot dogs from the 7-11. That's even more bleak.
If it ever stops raining here, I'll go down to the beach and just sit for a while. And most likely cry some more.
This has got to be the most depressing holiday that I've ever experienced, and that's saying something in a lifetime of depression. I can't ever recall feeling more like killing myself than I do right now.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, a better life. I don't know.
Merry Christmas, indeed. :'(
2 comments:
We'd miss you. I won't give you a lecture about how brain chemistry issues are tough to regulate. You know all that. And I won't tell you that many people even with families get depressed on the holidays. B/c I'm not minimizing how you feel. Just know there are people that care and you aren't alone. You are physically not standing next to someone but lots of people are with you virtually, and in our world today, some of the best relationships I have are with people online rather than in person.
And is 'tomorrow' a better day?
I do hope so.
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