Depressive state, continued.

I haven't bothered to write. Nothing has changed between my last post and now other that I've never lied so much in my life to people. "Have a merry Christmas." "Oh, yes, I'm looking forward to the holidays." What am I going to do, tell the truth, that I want this to be over with as soon as possible and that I'm sick of hearing about how fucking happy everyone is?

Sometimes I wish that I knew others like me, that I could just spend this time of year with them so that we all wouldn't be so fucking alone. There are surely others like me, right? But where? Where can I find anyone that will even begin to understand?

Sigh. Crying at work again. This is getting to be a bad habit. Luckily no one's even looking at me. Everyone is too busy laughing and giggling and having fun with jokes and good wishes and all of the things that totally escape me. I see nothing to celebrate.

Perhaps I should be reminded of the time I was locked up for Christmas, three years ago. It was worse then, admittedly. But what scares me is that I felt so safe there. Like I could cry, and cry, and cry, and no one would ask me what was wrong, no one would ask me stupid fucking questions about why I was so sad and why don't I cheer up and blah blah fuckity blah. No one would tell me to look on any fucking bright side. I could just sit quietly in my corner or in my room (albeit with no locks, bars on the windows....) and just sob myself hoarse and no one would ask me anything. See, they all know what's wrong there. You're crazy. And as long as you didn't scream TOO loud... they'd leave you alone. And if you want to get out, just make the right sounds. "Yes... I feel better. I hadn't thought of that. I am worthy, important, special." In other words, lie through your fucking teeth, treat them like you do everyone else out here in this world that doesn't understand, nor wants to. Draw your pretty little pictures in "art therapy" courses and swallow down your pain, swallow until it fucking chokes you.

I am truly convinced that no matter how much everyone claims to understand, they just don't. I'm pretty much convinced that they never will.

I will be in Ocean City the day after tomorrow and I will be doing a lot of thinking - a lot. Because I need to make a decision about a lot of things, and some things seriously might just need to change in order for me to continue going on with my life. I have never felt the death wish so strongly, not since I was locked up. I am honestly afraid. I am scared that I won't make it through the holidays without a nervous breakdown. If someone were to ask me if I wanted to be locked up again...God help me but I'd probably say yes.

The drugs don't help. The therapy doesn't work. What else am I supposed to fucking do? Keep banging my head against a wall?

Merry fucking Christmas to me. And to all of the fucked-up, lonely, depressed misfits like me out there that have nobody else. I suspect they'd understand, all too well, how I feel.

And for those of you that keep saying "be happy, be cheery, life isn't that bad"? To be blunt, go fuck yourselves. Life may be a bowl of cherries for you, but I live in the real fucking world here.

I hope to Christ I'll feel better soon, because I am literally fucking starting to lose it over here.