Meh. It seems that as good as I felt a few days ago, that's how much it can turn around in the space of an instant. I've not been well since... I know at least Thursday night, when I had the attack - and perhaps before that. Physically, I'm just fine. Mentally, it's the same old shit.
I've been trying to lose myself in work and in my music, staying away from people because I'm not willing to subject them to my rotten mood - why should they suffer right along with me?
The hell of this is that I can't even put my finger on why I'm like this right now. There's nothing really wrong - I'm starting school in a few weeks, my job performance is going well (though the people I work with get on my nerves, but that's not the source of my discontent), the financial picture isn't great but it's a fuck of a lot better than most peoples' right now... so what the fuck is making me feel this way?
Maybe it's because I've been dwelling a bit too much on the past as of late. I've noticed that the last few entries in here have dealt with some quite painful subjects, and I guess that I'm trying too hard to heal too fast. Maybe it's because I'm finally starting to learn how to let go - of people, places, things, situations. It hurts... God, it hurts so much. I've always been so afraid of change, disruption, things never staying the same.
I've moved all of my life, ever since I was a child. I've never stayed in the same place for more than a few years, and the pattern continues into adulthood. That's always been one of my dreams.. to just stay in one place. Seems that I've been looking and searching for a place to be and belong ever since I was old enough to hold my head up. And I'm so tired. I'm a couple of years shy of 40 years old, and I've never stopped moving, moving, moving. I want stability. I want a place to lie my head and know that I'll never leave it again. I want friends that I can count on, that'll never leave me, that understand me. I want a family, though at this point in my life it won't come from me in the 'natural' sense. I want to be social, yet I hate people. I want to be happy, yet I'm too scared. I want to stop moving and just... be still.
Great, now I'm crying. I cannot believe how damaged I feel. Has my life ever been normal or even approaching normal?
My doctors have told me that blogging my thoughts and feelings would be therapeutic, but right now all I feel is a sense of rawness.
I don't even know my own mind anymore. Maybe I never have.
Sleep will cure my sense of disconnection tonight; at the very least, it'll allow me to blissfully forget again.
1 comment:
i think blogging is helping you release what's been pent up for so long. it's actually forcing you to deal, and forcing you to get it out, so that it doesn't stay pent up. i know now when i go back to old old blogs from years ago, i see the changes. i can see the progress i've made, and it has helped me tremendously in recognizing and finally knowing myself.
i cannot even begin to know what you are going through sweetie, but i raise my hand now to say, although miles apart, i'm not going anywhere :)
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