Feeling a bit down tonight.

I managed to get a decent connection for a rare change - Goddamn, they don't make wifi easy to steal, do they. :)

So I'm sitting here alone in my new apartment and ... for some reason, I'm feeling down tonight. I don't know why. I'm starting this new job that I really like, a lot - I like my boss, my coworkers, even the job itself - which is very strange, coming from a person that takes piss for a living, more or less - but it's interesting work and I can see myself going places. I have this great apartment, I have a little time and energy and I'm even feeling physically better.

So why do I feel lonely and depressed?

I still don't have much of a social life. I'm torn about this, really - a part of me wants to be friends with people and to go out on the weekends and do things.. but another part of me is just so fucking afraid that I'm going to get screwed over, just like I've always been. I've tried, you know. But my own psychosis and my fears concerning women (because for some reason I just can't trust them not to fuck me over) get in the way. I can't relax. I can't trust. It's still there. I don't know if that'll ever go away.

Another part of me just wants to punish the ones that have hurt me. Right now in truth that's the main feeling I'm having... like I want to just lay someone out to whaleshit, that I want to tell them, "You know something, you sonofabitch, you and your fucking friends hurt me, so now I'm going to hurt you ten times more than you ever did me." That's the truth of it. It's how I feel. I know that it won't really get me anywhere, it never does... but right now there's a little part of me that just feels sick inside. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm confused. I don't know anymore what I'm supposed to feel or how to handle it. Maybe it's just as well that I've left a lot of my old life behind. Maybe I need to throw myself into this new job, work weekends, get the comp time. It's not like I have a bustling social life to come home to anymore, now is it?

Fuck it, man. Just... fuck it. :(