...and, unfortunately, not all of it has been good. I cannot discuss the main trouble right now, though; I have been instructed by an attorney that I have retained not to talk about it (either on social media or elsewhere). It sucks - because I have a lot of feelings about it, and most of them are not positive, but for right now I have to keep it all inside of me. It's hard on some days, because all I want to do is verbalize my anger, disappointment, fear - oh, yes, fear is involved, no doubt about that. But... in order to protect who I must (whether that's me, Greg or someone else, I cannot say right now), I must, must, must keep my mouth shut. For now.
When I'm allowed to, I will scream it from the rooftops. You can best believe that.
I know, more mystery. You would think that I'd just not send up teasers like this. But I know that a lot of people were worried about me when our vacation was cancelled (and it was cancelled in a horrible, disastrous way that I will never forget), so I feel obligated to say something. Even if it's a quick "I'll tell you later".
Sigh. I wish I could be open about this. Right now, I really need a friend. Or two. Or sixteen.
Other than this horrific event, things have actually been quiet at casa Ray/Osman. Which will soon be just casa Osman - as we've decided to get married on March 20th.
Yes, in less than 45 days, I will be a bride again. I never thought that it would come to this, ever. I never thought I'd allow myself to get married again. I never thought that I would trust anyone ever again. Yet... here I am.
The above reason that I cannot talk about is some of the reason why we've moved the date up. It's not because of legal trouble on that front - no worries there - but... some of what happened made me realize that I can't put up walls forever. I need to learn to trust at some point - and Greg's been there when I've really, truly needed him, time and time again, without fail. How many people can one say that about, honestly? And where is Greg's support? I sure haven't shown him much, though I'm sure that he might tell you differently. He's not out to get me - he's out to protect me. I realize that now. So... I'm in a much better place emotionally to handle a complicated thing like marriage. And, unlike my first disaster... I don't feel a bit of hesitation. I don't have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach (at least, not about this). I think about it, and every time I do, I realize that I've made the right decision. So be it.
Yeah, that sounds so romantic, doesn't it? But those of you who know me very well tend to realize that I'm more pragmatic about things like this than romantic, at least when I express to other people. I'm not much of a mushy type, I'm afraid. Though, I know that pragmatic love can be just as good as romantic, sometimes better - at least with pragmatic love it's based on a solid foundation of respect, caring and genuine, deep love with rock-solid future plans. Romantic love is nice, but it's dreamy and ethereal and... just not exactly secure, you know what I'm saying? At my age and time of life, I need security so badly. I need to know that the rug won't be pulled out from under my feet again. This time, I don't think it will be, although I will always, always be somewhat afraid. We can thank past history for that.
So, on March 20th, I will no longer be Carrie Ray; depressed, alone, hurting. I will be Carrie Osman; hopeful, loved, healing. At least, that's the plan.
I am about midway through the semester now, with only three classes left to go before I earn my B.S. in criminal justice (with the minor in gender studies). I graduate in less than 90 days, if all goes well. It's hard to believe that I have come this far - when I started school I was incredibly sick with the depression and I didn't even know my own name at some points. To achieve all that I have is astounding, and yet.... I still sometimes really don't feel it when I'm told that it's a massive accomplishment. I just shrug it off and say "thanks", or sometimes I respond with something like "it's what I should have done all along, why are you congratulating me for finally doing what I should have done?" Because in some ways, I do feel that. I struggle a lot right now with regret, with "could/should/would haves", and it's pointless, I know that, but at the same time, I feel so sad for the time that I've lost. If only I had been treated sooner, if only I hadn't ignored my health (physical or mental), if only I had reached out for help.... etc., etc. You know - could have/should have/would have. It's stupid. It's not worth the screen I'm writing on. All I have now is today. And I have to proceed forward with that.
I'm also scheduled for weight loss surgery. My initial consultation was yesterday, and I was pretty much accepted into the program right away - a little difficult not to when your BMI is in the stratosphere and you have diabetes-II to add to it. Because I'm a Federal employee, I only have to have 3 months of dietitian consultation - one session is already completed - and the other two are scheduled already. Theoretically, I could be on the operating table as quickly as June. There is a lot to think about, though. The doctor (who has also done both of my cousins' surgeries, as well as my aunt - it apparently runs in the family) suggested that I do the full Monty - the Roux-en-Y gastric bypass - which scares the ever-loving shit out of me. It's supposed to be the most effective procedure, but it also has the highest mortality rate on the table.
There was a time where I used to want to die. Now look at me. :(
Much to consider, much to think about. I'm scared, there's no doubt about it. I might have been depressed, but I lived in a comfortable limbo - school won't be done for years, I'm getting in touch with my feelings, healing from my depression, etc. Only now, that's all coming to an end - and I won't have that "safe place" to fall anymore. I should be happy about that - shouldn't I?
My diabetes treatment is going well. They just lowered the insulin dosage a bit, so we'll see. Their eventual aim is to get me on oral medication only - and with the weight loss surgery, even that may not be needed anymore. We'll see.
So... where I am is pretty simple. Things are going well for me, but as usual I'm scared to death and so afraid that the other shoe is going to drop - so to speak.
In other words, a normal day.
Sigh.
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