This year has been the most tumultuous yet in a series of years that have seen a great deal of change, both in myself, my surroundings, and the world. So, how have I been (other than kind of quiet)? Let's have a look...
The "best of" and "worst of" 2012 is actually that of a single event, oddly; and that is the discovery of my Type-II diabetes. So, everyone could maybe understand why this would be considered "the worst" - after all, diabetes is serious business here. I can't eat anything I want anymore; I can't even eat certain things anymore. My health is on its own "fiscal cliff", so to speak, where if I even eat a piece of bread or a crusty roll, my body will revolt; I get headaches, my temperature rises, and I feel both sick and guilty at turns. How is this a good thing?
I'll tell you how. It's because I'm now taking care of myself and my health more, in these last three months, than I have in thirty years. I am no longer compromising how I feel for someone else's sake; my health now comes above everything and everyone. Either I feel good enough to get through another day - or I don't, and I do nothing for anybody. That's the way it goes now. That's the way I insist that it be. Because, after all, how can I help anyone when I can't help myself? And, in turn, my physical health has improved dramatically. I've lost 51 - that's right, fifty-one - pounds since September 11th. I'm gearing up to lose even more, as the latest plateau has ended and the metabolism is getting ready for another blast. I am unable to wear clothes even from 5 years ago, as the weight comes off, and off, and off.
I can't even imagine how I'm going to look by this time next year.
I also finally have a name to what's been wrong with me for so many years. I've been sick - and I know I've been sick - but no one could tell me just what the hell was wrong. I'd go to the doctor, and they'd be like, "We don't know how to help you - there's nothing wrong with you." Until September 10, 2012, I was just...coasting along, feeling incredibly ill, but never knowing just what the fuck to do about it. Now I know. Now I know everything that needs to be done, and more. And I haven't looked back since.
So, what now for me? What's on tap for 2013? Well...
Physical Health: Continues to improve every day, and will be sped along considerably. I have begun the process of consultation for bariatric (weight-loss) surgery; my first appointment is on February 6th. This is assuming, of course, that I don't get my BMI too low to be considered for it, but I don't think that's going to happen. Either way, my insurance covers it - and it needs to be done. I am tired of the way I am - it's no longer a vanity thing, but a health thing. Now that I've dropped a good deal of weight already, I am beginning to realize that I have been, and continue to be, unhealthy. I am 40 years old, and I have Type-II diabetes. Isn't that enough to deal with? Really? So... we will find out on this front how successful this will be. Otherwise, things are the same, though my family's history of varicose veins are beginning to come to fruition, unfortunately. It's not really awful - yet - but over time my legs are going to look like roadmaps. I accept that - it is what it is. Hopefully the weight loss will reduce the speed in which it happens.
Mental Health: The depression has not returned, though it's precarious - I've felt it trying to sneak up on me, mainly when times are pretty stressful (and they have been, at least recently). I am facing down several situations, including the increasingly bad health of my mother (who is, pretty much, my only parent) and balancing my own health needs as well. But it's been mainly okay for the most part - I am slowly learning how to stand up for myself and for the things I need. I still have a hard time accepting that I'm getting older - a lot of regrets exist for the past, mainly for how much time I have wasted - but that's also a day to day thing, and I can usually cope all right. It's a process. I am no longer in therapy, and haven't been since August - but I am keeping him on the back burner, because I know that I will need him again. My mother's death will be the worst day of my life - and I KNOW that will be the day I need to go back into therapy once again. May that day be many years away - but it's inevitable. I know this.
Career: Big changes in this area. If you've been following this blog with any sort of regularity, you know that I left the drug lab in July after a long and stressful 4 year tenure. I am now a "community supervision assistant", which is basically a fancy term for "office manager to a team of parole officers". I process payroll checks, I send reports to the U.S. Parole Commission, and I organize and plan schedules. Basically? It's an office job. It can be boring as shit sometimes - but it's mainly easy and I can do side projects while I'm here sometimes. I have a second job doing transcription for a company called SpeechInk (which is the afore-mentioned side project, heh) - it doesn't pay a great deal, but it's more money than what I had before, which is all that matters. Now, I don't want to stay here forever - because it really can be boring as all fuck - but it's not bad for now and it pays just as well as looking at bare asses did. I'm okay with where I am. For now.
Social/Relationships: Greg and I are still together, still strong, still as much in love as we ever were - maybe even more. A huge shift has happened in Greg's personal life (which I'm not really at liberty to discuss), but it means quite a lot, so much that we're seriously discussing marriage at this point. Now, admittedly - I'm gunshy. I was married once before, and it was everything that I thought marriage was not going to be. I don't want to ruin this good thing we have - and it is a good thing. But... I also really don't think that it will be a mistake this time. Nothing is set in stone just yet, though. The world will know, once it happens - this much I promise you, heh.
No progress on other relationships, friendships, etc. I think I've just accepted the fact that I'm not much of a people person anymore. I don't honestly care what happens to other people, partially because if I have to go through my own crap, I have no interest in other peoples' crap as well - but also, because I really just have been burned so much by others' actions that I don't have a desire to hang around people any longer. I guess that's what it is. I also don't have much interest in the past anymore, as evinced by my disdain to be involved in the old BBS groups. I just... don't care, really. That was 20 years ago. I have no desire to revisit my past, much of which contained a great deal of painful events and memories that I would simply rather forget about.
Financial: This is the only portion of my life that has not improved in 2012, and this is partially because of the surprising expense of my diabetes diagnosis. I have had to spend a great deal of money getting the medicines I need, doctor visits, etc., and I'm afraid that it's still not quite over with -I will be paying off a lot of medical bills over the next few months, which is partially the reason I now have a second job, I suppose. Still, I am going to focus special attention on this over the next year, because I will soon be graduating from college - in 4 months, YIKES!!!! - and I'll have school loans to deal with, which is going to suck ass. I know myself, though. I have tenacity, if nothing else.
Things have changed a lot over the course of last year, some very recently. I was getting ready to go somewhere with Greg the other day, I can't remember where - and I was brushing my hair, looking in the mirror.... and I had to stop for a minute. I realized that I really, honestly, maybe for the first time in my life.... thought that I looked beautiful. Content, smiling, joyful... happy to be alive. The sparkle in my eyes has returned to me. True, my face looks a lot more grave than it used to, and there's a lot of pain etched there....but for once in my life... I felt that I looked beautiful. That I was beautiful.
Those striking moments are beginning to appear more and more. I am slowly, painfully being reborn into the person that I really am. That I should have been, all of these years.
I cry now when I think about dying, when I think about all of the life that I haven't yet lived, when I think about all of the things I would have missed out on, had one of my many suicide attempts been successful. I no longer embrace death, or even glorify it - indeed, there is nothing glamorous about suicide, or death, or anything about it.
So, with all of this said, I am ready to take 2013 by the horns and work it until it's crying for mercy. This is my time. This is my year. And God help anyone who would get in the way of my plans - because I have wonderful, wonderful plans for my life!
I struggled over a song that would fit this turbulent year. Several snatches of lyrics seem to fit -
"Times have changed... and times are strange,
....here I come, but I ain't the same.
.... Mama, I'm coming home...."
(Ozzy Osbourne)
But I think that this is the most apropos song I can find that would describe 2012 for me.... because I really am the proverbial "blackbird" in the song.
And finally.... here I am. This photograph was taken just as I was leaving for work this morning. It is a far, far cry from what I once was, from what I used to be. I still cringe at it a little; my hair is so grey and I've lost so much weight that my blouse doesn't fit (and I haven't worn it for 3 years!!!). But it's me. I need to learn to love myself for who I am. And this is who I am.
"All your life... you have only waited for this moment to be free."
Happy New Year.
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