A mere nine days from today, I will once again be a married woman. I never thought that it would happen. Hell, I never thought that I'd ever be involved in a relationship again.... ever. Yet here I am, searching frantically for flowers and pondering what I need to do in order to make my hair look at least halfway decent.
When I look back at my entries on this blog, I cringe a lot of the time, because... well, let's face it. I was seriously ill. I was talking out of my ass and not understanding one word of it. I rambled, raged, sounded like a complete idiot. Hell, I was a complete idiot. But somehow, some way, I kept it together day by day by day, piecing my life back together in slow, agonizing stitches.
I have worked hard.
My reward is that I just received an Email from my school congratulating me on my upcoming graduation in two months. Two months... eight weeks. I cannot believe that my educational journey has hit this milestone. When I began my classes in May of 2009, I was incredibly sick; my depression was fully raging, I was antisocial, obsessive, feeling hopeless and suicidal. Yes, it's true; it may not seem so from my words, but if you read between the lines, it's there. I still have no idea of how I managed to get through in those days. I have little memory of that time period other than a blurry, tear-filled haze. But I pushed on, and I pushed, and I pushed.
Nearly 4 years later, almost to the day - here I am; completely awake and fully aware. And on the brink of beginning a brand new life, a life that 4 years ago I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams.
Today - every day, really - is a day for celebrating.
In the last 4 months, I have been through some unbelievable circumstances, including a very serious legal situation (see my last post; unfortunately I still cannot discuss it, as it's still pending), a huge fraudulent transaction on one of my credit cards that I've had to fight, serious financial difficulties (which have been partially incurred by said legal incident), things that would have brought down nearly anyone sane and would have virtually made me a mental basketcase if I'd still been sick. And I've not only gotten through it all, but I've thrived pretty nicely as a matter of fact.
I still have my bad days, always will. I have moments where I completely and totally lose it - a good example of that is yesterday when I was caught up in the crowds at the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown and was forced to stand next to a blaring speaker, which frazzled me to the point where I was literally knocking people down to the ground to get away. (I've discovered that very loud sounds like that make me "lose it" - I think I'm sound sensitive to a degree, unless it's actual music.) But, for the most part, I've learned to tolerate situations like crowds and all of that as best as I can.
Some of the reason that I'm "better", I think, is that I've finally accepted myself as I am - and that I'm okay no matter how that is. Does that make any sense? For example... I'm just not a social person anymore. I walked through life pretending that I enjoyed social gatherings and the company of people, but the brutal truth is that I don't, not really. Oh, I like people just fine when I can relate to them, or if I've known them a very long time and they accept me and my peccadilloes - but strangers, or "new" acquaintances, or whatever - eh, but no, no thanks, I don't need more "friends". I think that this stems from me being hurt so much in my early days, perhaps.... that could be true... but I've also accepted the fact that I'm very literal, and very pragmatic, and I see the world in a way that a lot of people don't. I'm liable to say exactly what I think, all the time, even if it really, really hurts someone - and most people can't, don't, won't accept that. And I'm mild about it in person - if you could hear some of the shit I say to Greg about people in private, ohmyGawd, I'd have had my ass beaten a thousand times over by now. Or maybe I'd be totally friendless instead of having the few friends that I do.
(Disclaimer: That's not to say that I talk shit about my friends behind their backs. You all know me better - if I have something to say to you, I will tell you straight up and pull no punches about it. You know that much about me, I should hope.)
That's just an example, but it's generally the way I do things now - I just don't pretend anymore for the sake of approval. I don't need approval anymore - I am what I am, and people can take or leave me on that basis. Do I wish that things had been different? Sure. Do I wish that I'd have found this out earlier? A thousand times over. But, eh, better late than never, right?
It helps that Greg accepts me for who I am, unconditionally, no matter what. When I talked to him about weight loss surgery, I acknowledged the fact that he might be uncomfortable with "the new me", and asked him if he was prepared to accept the way I looked afterwards, even if it was physically "unappealing", let's say - and his answer was an unequivocal, unhesitating yes. It's been yes every time, every month, every minute.
This is why I'll be a bride in nine days.
I once chased after someone that didn't give a shit if I lived or died this time 3, 4 years ago - and it's so hard to believe now that I ever cared about what their opinion was. I don't even think about them anymore, or "it", or the circumstances that brought me here. It happened, I can't and won't deny that, and I behaved in ways that I'm ashamed of now - but it's history. It happened when I was at my lowest point, and for someone to come along and take advantage of someone at their lowest, well, that's pretty despicable behavior. But, honestly, it's something that I should have known, realized and believed, because enough people tried to warn me about it. I just thought that, by magic, I could change the outcome.
Wrong. And that's also something that I've learned - I can't control anything or anyone other than myself or what I do. Sound like a familiar refrain?
These days, I wouldn't allow that person to wipe the shit off of the bottom of my shoes. He'd be lucky to get that close to me. That might sound like I hate him - I don't, because he no longer matters enough to me to hate. I have reached a comfortable, happy point of indifference; and that's an ideal place to be. :) I wish him well in future endeavors - but it's preferable that he remains out of my life, for good. And, honestly, I think he feels the same way, as he hasn't attempted to contact me since late 2011, "defriended" me in early 2012, etc. I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm good with that. I have all that I need, and then some.
I think that I've finally "grown up", at last. :)
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