Having a bad night.

I'm sleeping alone for the first time in nearly a year.

Greg is in a different state right now, attending his oldest daughter's high school graduation, and is away until Saturday night (48 hours from now).  While I obviously don't mind the reason that he's away (after all, this is his kid we're talking about), I'm having a great deal of difficulty with it, for myriad reasons.  I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings about this, so I'm writing here to see if I can purge some of this out on my own...

One of the hardest things about this is that I'm afraid he won't return.  As much as I hate to say it, he's not had the best track record with relationships.  How do I know that I won't be another casualty of that?  I know that all I can do is trust, but it's so... freaking... hard, still.  I know in some ways that I'm being silly - nearly everything he owns is here, but it didn't stop him the last time from just leaving somewhere and "starting over".

I'd survive it, don't get me wrong.  But it's just the fear, the anxiety, all of that.

Another unspoken, but huge reason, is that I feel kind of like a pariah in this whole scene.  Greg doesn't talk much about his past or the people he was involved with, any of that.  Part of me doesn't ask because I know it hurts - oh, I know that feeling all too well - and part of me doesn't ask because that's his business, really, and it's nothing to do with me.  I still don't feel like I'd be welcomed by anyone in the "family", though, not that he's got much of one either.  It's a vibe that I get... obviously his baby mommas have no reason to like me, of course, and I don't expect them to... but I have a nasty feeling that his kids don't like me much, either, or his sister, or his adopted brother, etc., etc.  It's not that I know this for sure - it's just that there's never been an attempt to introduce me to them.  I don't know if that's deliberate or if that's just because there's no wish for contact.  It's not like he's close with any of those people, either.

Sometimes I feel as if he just dropped into my life from some weird space and time continuum.  It honestly creeps me out, in a way.  I have a reason why I don't have a lot of close people in my life, as I'm sure that he does, but.... it's never discussed.  It makes me wonder what else there is.  It makes me wonder what piece of the puzzle is missing, and when I find it, how much it's going to hurt.

It's no wonder that I still can't relax or trust.  I don't know what else is coming.  I have no security, as usual.  I have nothing solid under my feet that I can count on.

Just really, REALLY depressed tonight.  Things are not going well in a lot of aspects for me right now, especially concerning work, and I'm just tired of feeling like I always have to fight for some measure of peace.  It's no wonder that I've wished for death so much in the past - at least you get peace that way.

No, I'm not suicidal, far from it.  But I AM tired.  So, so tired.  And weary of searching for approval from people that I honestly shouldn't give a fuck about.

When am I going to learn, for Chrissake?

Sigh.  Thanks for reading anyway, if you've gotten this far.  It's just another stupid bump in the road that is my life.