I wasn't going to write today....

....my whole idea was that I would make a protest, however silent, against the current SOPA/PIPA bill out there about Internet censorship.  And the ribbon's up, no doubt about that.  But my change of heart comes from 1.  not really having time other than this to update and 2. sadly, a belief that all of our efforts are truly fruitless - people are going to do what they want to do.  There'll always be a way around whatever restrictions people try to place on others, so I'm not too worried.  Besides, the powers that be want to make us ALL criminals now, so you may as well do what you're accused of.

With that said.... uh, hi.  :p

I have a rare day off today, thanks to AWS - and I'm just trying to take it easy, since life has been somewhat stressful as of late.  Oh, it's nothing to really worry over; I've just had some minor problems crop up, mainly with the house.  I've apparently had squirrels in my attic since this time last year, and due to not having any money for an exterminator (in addition to not really knowing what to do about getting them the fuck out of there), they've been roosting up in the ceiling making themselves at home.  That little problem was fixed yesterday, thanks to Greg and thanks to finally having a little in the bank to get it finished.  Luckily, there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage other than a couple  of holes in the ceiling, which can be easily patched up.

I've finally gotten the first decent night's sleep in six weeks.

School has started up again.  I'm actually enjoying the parenting class quite a bit, though it promises to be quite hard - the instructor seems to be kind of a hard-ass about certain things.  But time will tell, this is only the first week.  Computer forensics class is actually somewhat of a joke; no real "assignments" other than projects.  I'm kind of disappointed about that, but it is what it is - a requirement fulfilled toward my degree.  I've started financial aid processing on what should be my last year at UMUC.  God, how did that happen?

I went to lunch with a close friend over the weekend, and I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, "Where did the time go?  What happened?  He looks different.  I look different.  What happened???"

Time happened, I guess.

Don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.  I'm healthy (relatively, anyway).  I'm happy.  I have someone in my life who loves me, whom I love.  My job is stable (even if not very enjoyable - taking urine is still not my life's work, I'm sorry).  I'm a middle class American doing the best that they can.  But I guess that six years of being "mentally absent" changes your perspective.  You don't realize that the world moves on with or without you when you're depressed.  And, boy, has the world moved on.  I've missed so much!

I'm determined not to miss any more.  I've taken my life by the horns and I'm working it the best I can.

This morning, I was downstairs enjoying a cup of coffee and cooking breakfast.  I had my Pandora station on and was just listening to the classic rock station, half-singing (you know I'm in a great mood if I start doing that shit, heh), when a Derek and the Dominoes song came on, a very famous one (I'm not going to type the name of it here - if you know your music, you know what it's called).  As I heard it, I started mentally "stiffening up".  I've come to the realization that I no longer like that song in any shape, form or fashion.  Why?  It's the name of a person that fucked me over during the last six years.  It's the name of a person that was directly involved in the Douchebag situation.  It's the name of a bitch that I had thought was my friend.  Some friend.

I'm working toward resolving some of that situation in my head.  But as I continued to cook my breakfast, I realized that I will probably never forgive some people for the things that they did to me during that time.  And as I came to that realization, I started to wonder about a few things.

I know that some say that forgiveness is a gift to one's self.  That being unable to forgive punishes you more than the other person; at least, that's always what I'd been led to believe.  If you're unable to forgive a person for what they did to you, they have power over you and take up space in your head.  That's what I've always heard.

But the thing is, I don't believe that this is necessarily true.  Just because I'm unable to forgive - and I will admit that readily to myself, that I probably never will - it doesn't mean that she ever takes up any space in my head, because she doesn't.  Sure, there are moments like this morning when I think about it, and my hatred (which is rapidly becoming indifference) flares anew, and my mind reinforces the fact that she's a bitch and that I can't forgive her for what she's done.  But it goes away almost as fast as the realization comes.  It's only on my mind now because of the afterthoughts... about how it really is okay not to forgive someone, if you don't want to.  It doesn't affect me other than a mere thought or two; I then put it on the shelf for another few months.  Someday, it'll get to the point where it's more than a few months.... then a year or two.... until it - she, they - cease to matter to me at all.

I have learned what true friendship is.  I have learned what love really looks like, and it doesn't match the treatment that I received.  I'm more mad at myself than anything, because I believed that I was really worth that little.  Therapy has helped me to see that I'm worth more than crumbs, a pat on the head like an abused dog.  I am more currency than those people can afford, emotionally.

I am good at so many things, and I've never given myself much credit for any of them.  That's starting to change.  A lot of things about me are starting to change.

I still cannot look back much at my old entries here.  I'm ashamed of myself for the obsessive thoughts, for the misguided conceptions, for acting pretty much like a tool the last six years.  The sad thing is that it was all for naught.  No, I doubt that I'll ever forgive any of those people for what they've done.  D'bag, the Bitch, they're not the only ones involved in the whole sad, sordid mess, but they're the two stars.

As far as I'm concerned, it all worked out for the best.  Fractured soul met fractured soul and now leads a life of deception, of pretending, of play-acting at a relationship.  I have the real thing.  And it's the sweetest thing that I've ever experienced.  I have a real person in my life, in my bed, holding me, talking to me, sharing with me.  Those two have a computer keyboard, maybe a phone on occasion, and "hopes and plans".  Well, I don't - and won't - live my life on "hopes and plans".

I make them come true.

And that's today's update.  I know you're all warm and fuzzy inside now.  :p