The long-awaited annual end-of-year post. Rejoice, my chilluns!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here it comes:  the much-awaited "end of year" post.  Aren't you all just thrilled?  I know I am.  :p  2011 has been, for me, indescribable.  It's been a year where I have come quite far in a great deal of ways, and in a very short time.

The best of 2011?  Two things have happened that I would qualify as fitting in this category, and that would be:

The apparent end of my depression – Unknown Date
While, as always, I am being cautious about declaring my mental illness officially "over", I do feel that I have emerged from the darkness and the hell that I've been living under for the last six years.  I really couldn't say when it "ended", exactly - perhaps it's been coming to an end all along, I don't know, but I think I can easily say that it was more or less gone by August.  I no longer feel as if life is worthless.  I no longer cry at the drop of a hat.  I no longer move listlessly throughout the day, just "waiting" for my life to end.  There is a purpose to my life now - I am once again daring to have hopes, goals, dreams.  While I still don't smile or laugh a great deal, it comes much more easily now when I do, and without force or effort.  I have much more knowledge of who I am, what I've been through, and how those events and times have made me the special person that I know I am and can be.  I am stronger in a lot of ways for having been through these experiences.  And, what is most important, I think, is that I have learned (and am still learning) what I choose to tolerate from people and what I don't.

There's a sign up on the wall in one of the probation teams' offices that says "I Get To Live The Life I Choose".  I guess it's supposed to be inspiration to their clients - but in some ways, it's inspiring for
me, too.  In the end, I have choices.  I have the decision to make my life what it is today - I can either wallow in misery and blame others for the things that have happened in my life, or I can accept that bad
things happen to everyone, and that it's how I handle those bad things that will eventually determine my course of action.  I can choose drama, and chaos, and alienation - or I can choose assistance, love,
caring and trust.  There is nothing and no one stopping me from making that choice!

Ah, the power of free will.  Isn't it great?

My new relationship – May 25, 2011
Obviously, when I refer to this, I am referring to Greg; who has been, in some ways, a miracle that appeared in my life when I least expected it.  I had truly given up on finding a relationship where someone not only was "with" me, per se, but UNDERSTOOD me - a quality that is rare within itself.  It is truly a gift when someone "gets" you, in every way possible - but yet doesn't take that knowledge for granted.  Greg
came into my life at a time where I had simply withdrawn from all things romantic to concentrate on "healing thyself", if you will. Apparently it worked better than I could have ever imagined!

A lot of people, meaning well, had told me that I shouldn't have given Greg a chance; after all, his "previous record" was abysmal at best.  Those same people were worried that I'd be hurt again at a time
when I needed as little hurt as possible.  And believe me, I appreciated everyone's counsel - I still do.  But I'm glad now that I gave him a shot, because it's ended up being the best relationship that I've ever had.  I have been incredibly happy these past seven months.  I have the potential to be happy for seven more months, maybe seven years, even seven decades.  I don’t know how long things will last, but right now I am happy, ecstatic - content.  I love him a whole lot, and then some!

Now, bleh, for the worst of 2011.  There’s always some bad to it…

The house robbery – April 30, 2011

I learned just how well I could handle a serious crisis when my house was broken into that night.  My television was ripped off of the wall – and I do mean RIPPED, quite literally – and a good deal of electronic equipment was stolen.  But while the thieves took “things”, they gave me a sense of self back in an odd way – I learned that I could handle even the worst situation, that I didn’t have to fall apart in order to get my life together, if that makes sense.  Still, it was a harrowing time in my life that I’d much rather not repeat.  A burglar alarm installed in my house took care of the feeling of violation – although now that Greg is here, I don’t have the feeling that my house is being watched anymore.  We both come in and out of here at different and oddball times, so no one ever really knows if he, or I, or both of us are home.  We just got new neighbors as well, and they have dogs – so I definitely feel extra safe these days.

The broken wrist - August 25, 2011

I had an accident at the Camden Yards light rail and admittedly wasn’t watching where I was going, and it cost me dearly.  I spent six weeks in a cast that drove me nearly bugfuck, and almost failed two of my college courses during the healing time (ever try to take a writing course with a broken wrist?  It’s not easy).  The cast came off in mid-October, but even on New Year’s Eve, I still have trouble lifting some things and gripping others.  I’ve faced the fact that my wrist will never be the same, and I will never have the mobility that I used to.  It is what it is.

So, now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s turn to predictions.  I showed Greg last year’s post full of predictions, and he had to laugh at the “relationship/social life” one where it said there’d be “no change whatsoever”.  Boy, did I miss the mark on that one or what?

Health, Physical:  A lot of bad things have happened to me this year, medical-wise.  It’s not been just the wrist, but other troubling things have developed with my reproductive system, my feet, and as usual my weight.  I have lost a total of eleven pounds over the past year – it had been as high as 25, but I’ve put over half of that back on, and unfortunately most of it has been within the last three months due to the holidays and my injury making me extra-cautious as far as lifting things is concerned.  I’m going to give it one last shot as far as doing this on my own – after that, I will revisit the idea of bariatric surgery (though I really don’t want to do that, I’ve viewed the procedure and it looks downright scary).  I have started to flex my cooking skills a bit more since Greg came, so hopefully I’ll find new and healthy recipes to try.  I am starting a new blog where I fix one new recipe a week and report results, so that might get me toward healthier eating, a bit.  I also want to maybe start up a little veggie garden of my own, if I can.  We’ll see how that pans out, but as usual I say that I’m going to do something about my physical health – I want to be able to STICK to that this year.  I think that maybe I’ll have better luck because other things are finally beginning to settle down.  Such as….

Health, Mental:  The biggest breakthrough of them all this year.  As noted above, I believe that my depression has either been cured or is in EXTREME remission.  I think, honestly, that it’s gone, though.  I feel stronger, more energetic and happier about life in general.  I wake up in the morning and while I still feel ‘blah’ about some things (like going to work, for example), these are NORMAL THINGS to feel ‘blah’ about!  I look forward to spending time with Greg, and even spending some time alone to recharge and energize.  I seriously am so much better in this area.  I have been reduced to once every 2 months for therapy, and in truth I think we’re going to simply go to an “as needed” basis.  Which is a HUGE stride for only a year and a half.   I am doing well.  Very, very well.  I think that will continue on an upward path.

Career:  I am STILL in the freaking drug lab, sigh.  I didn’t really concentrate on looking for another job until the last 2 months of this year, and that was only because someone pissed me off enough down there that I finally said to myself, “I’ve had enough of this bullshit to last a lifetime”.  But in truth, it’s really time to consider moving on.  I’ve been there nearly three and a half years – there’s really nowhere left to go for me.  I’m updating my resume, trying to strengthen my professional network, and of course going full steam on the college degree, which should be completed in another year or so.  Hopefully I’ll find something or have found something better by this time next year.

Social/Relationships:  Another huge breakthrough this year, obviously, with the addition of Greg in my life.  My social network is also beginning to improve a bit.  I’ve gotten rid of some very, VERY toxic people that drug me down and through the mud, and in truth I should have done that a LONG time ago.  I’ve learned who my friends really are, and who pretends.  I’ve learned through adversity who will be there for me and who only pays lip service.  Valuable lessons, all, and ones that I’ll not soon forget.  Although I’m still quite cautious about the future (and yes, a bit of the skeptic remains within me), I think that my relationship with Greg will continue to be fulfilling, happy, loving and healthy in 2012. 

Financial:  Not so good right now due to mounting bills (especially the holidays, which I admit I went overboard on this year – but it was the first decent Christmas I’ve spent in over 10 years and I WANTED it to be special – and it WAS).  Knowing myself the way that I do, I’ll have a much better picture overall as the months go by, though I will have to start putting a significant amount of money away for a couple of pretty important reasons coming up, not the least of which that my mother’s health is beginning to fail, and I need to start looking for a bigger place (hopefully with an “in-law” style apartment) so that I can take care of her when I need to.  Unfortunately it’s beginning to come to that point.  I knew it would eventually, but I didn’t count on it being this soon.  Still, I’m prepared to deal with it, and I know that Greg will help me if he can – he’s so sweet like that.  :D

And… that’s it for 2011, really.  It has been a whirlwind of a year.  It has been a year full of massive upheavals, both in the world at large and in my own life.  It ends much, much differently for me than when it began.  I end 2011 in a position of pure strength, of joy, of renewed hope in living and in life, of reawakening in emotion and in compassion.  I am once again alive and vibrant.  I have been reborn.  I am now the phoenix that has risen from the ashes – not the ashes themselves.

I am special.  I am important.  I am vital to myself and to others. 

I AM.

While this video expresses thanks for a relationship (and it's certainly how I feel about Greg), I think this video's lyrics apply to everything in my life.  After all... "If the sun refuses to shine, I would still be loving...."... myself as well.  :)

I am thankful for my life back.

Happy New Year, everyone.