Fear, drama, and the fear OF drama.

Lots on my mind recently, most of it good; but as always, contemplative.  I guess that since I'm in a much better emotional place these days, I seem to have a desire to re-examine my life in detail, dealing with painful events and situations as I can.  I am finding less hurt, but more apathy; some things that once held sway over my very being....just don't matter anymore.  I'm finding myself mistaken about much, especially when it comes to other people - I never have been able to "read" others very well. 

In my continuing re-examination of self, I often feel a bit confused, even alienated sometimes.  If things aren't what I'd believed them to be, how do I know what's real?  And that's been something that has plagued me for most of my life - I've been lied to, deceived, "protected", misled by nearly everyone I've come into contact with.  I have little faith and even less trust.  What's worse is that the rare times I do feel optimistic, I live in fear that it's all an illusion and that the second I let my guard down, the rug will be pulled out from under my feet and I'll be faceplanted into the dirt again.  Feeling more like a fool than ever, at that.

I still have much to work on, it looks like.

I'm not too sure where this came from, I guess it's come from reading up about drama and how damaging and useless it really is in peoples' lives.  With the realization that Ex-D'bag is a psychic vampire, I've come to realize that he was (is) a drama king as well - used the illusion of apathy and "I'm so put upon, nobody loves me, wah" to garner sympathy, and like a dumb ass, I fell for it, the consummate "knight in shining armor" bullshit.  Why wasn't I able to SEE through that?  It's as transparent as crystal.

Well, this knight is retired; it's not my job to "save" anybody.  Especially when my efforts yielded a big pile of sweet fuck-all.

I feel myself starting to recover from this whole clusterfuck of a situation, enough so that I'll be able to talk about it and explain in depth quite soon.  Some already have a good idea of what happened; the story will be a cautionary lesson for the rest of you, I think.

Everything is going fine, by the way.  More of an update regarding that shortly.