I find that I have a lot to say this morning, but I'm not quite sure how to put it, which is a rarity. Usually, if I'm compelled to write, I have something on my mind that needs to get out into the open (practically screams it, I think, heh). And, yes, the thoughts are jumbled up in my cracked brain - but for some reason I don't have the words to express what I'm thinking today. You can put a red circle on the calendar for that, because it almost never happens.
I've been getting out and about with Greg (yes, imagine that, he DOES have a name other than "Florida Boy", haha. I don't think he's ever going to let me live that down!), and discovering how sweet life can really be. We hit Artscape last weekend and it was as I always remembered it to be - full of people, life, vivacious fun. I wish we had been able to stay longer, but I'd forgotten to put on sunscreen, it's been a hellishly hot summer, and my skin burned to a crisp, bluh. My body didn't do this shit when I was ten years old, damn it - all of a sudden I need 360SPF lotion? :x
I find that my body is starting to do a lot of things that it hadn't done recently. I think I'm actually developing allergies, of all things! What started out as what I'd thought was a slight cold last week has morphed into classic allergy symptoms - dry cough, tightness around the eyes, runny nose. I don't get it - up until now I've been in "perfect" health. Double-you tea eff, man? And my feet... oh, man, I don't even want to go into that. I find that if I walk around a lot, then rest for more than 10 minutes, they start hurting when I try to put pressure on them. I don't know what that is, and I'm scared to find out - but I'm paying all this money for health insurance, so I guess I owe it to myself to make an appointment with a podiatrist. I can't afford to lose the ability to walk, not at this stage in my life.
The weight loss continues, however - that is a huge positive. So far, I'm down exactly 23 pounds since January 1st. (That's as of today, anyway. It tends to fluctuate, but I'm using the lowest weight that's appeared on the scale, for now.) That's probably the best I have ever done as far as taking it off, and I'm committed to try and do more. I'm still not eating vey well, though - I skip a hellish amount of meals (though what I'm eating is beginning to improve). But my exercise has skyrocketed, heh, and I'm sure that you all pretty much know what's caused THAT. For the squeamish, hey - I'm sorry. But I have sex, okay? Imagine that, I'm actually doing something that everyone else does - how about THAT. :p Actually, in some ways, just that has improved a lot of other things besides my weight - it's also given me a lot more energy, I'm sleeping a hell of a lot better (probably because I'm freaking exhausted and happy, lol), and my reproductive health is beginning to improve as well.
My mental health isn't all that's getting better! :) I'm just hoping that this trend will continue. I have no reason to think that it won't, but as we all know, I don't trust very much or very easily, and there's still obstacles in my way as far as that's concerned. Still, Greg has been so understanding of this.... and patient as well. (Patience. Ugh. I hate that freaking word, haha.) He's a man in a million. I couldn't have found someone better for me if I had tried.
Disclaimer: I know that some people I have dated in the past still read here. That wasn't a slam against you, I promise - I have my own fond memories of everyone I've met and spent time with, and in my own way I still hold a great deal of affection for you. But even you will admit that breakups happen for a reason - it's because it wasn't the right thing for either party. I think that you will agree with me. And of course, I wish you all the same happiness that I have found. Okay, sentimental moment over. :p
I just looked at the calendar and realized that yesterday marks 3 years since I took my trip to Sydney. Three.... long....years. Has it really been that long ago? Have I really come this far since? I feel like a completely different person. I AM a completely different person.
These lyrics sum it up well, I think....
Maybe it's time to stop swimming
Maybe it's time to find out where I'm at
What I should do and where I should be
But no-one will give me a map
I used to think of that song as intensely depressing. It still is... but the above fits where I am right now. It IS time to stop swimming. It's time for me to drift into the current, let life take me where it will.... and to trust. I need to start learning how to trust. But I have a good start. It's never too late to learn.
Maybe it's time to find out where I'm at
What I should do and where I should be
But no-one will give me a map
I used to think of that song as intensely depressing. It still is... but the above fits where I am right now. It IS time to stop swimming. It's time for me to drift into the current, let life take me where it will.... and to trust. I need to start learning how to trust. But I have a good start. It's never too late to learn.
I think.... that I can finally say that the depression is over. I have survived. Not unscathed.... not without scars. But I have survived. I have pulled through. I have won.
It is the sweetest victory I will ever have.
3 comments:
it's so great to see you starting to become healthy "all-around". i do hope that even though he's a great guy and everything is good right now that you are not basing everything on it. you did a majority of this yourself and this relationship is just the icing on the cake, so to speak. you have been improving and getting healthier as the years progress.
i found your "disclaimer" funny. of course you are with the right person. if those others were the right one, you'd still be with em, right? LOL i wouldn't have found it offensive in any way.
kudos on the "new you"!! you're so great woman!! *hugs* miss you, though.
Don't worry. Though Greg is absolutely wonderful to and for me, I do not credit his appearance in my life as being the catalyst for my healing. On the contrary, I think that this relationship has come to me BECAUSE I've healed and because of the progress that I've made. After all, no one can maintain love for another without loving themselves - it's been proven. And... even though I've had a lot of rough times in six years (especially concerning a certain person who-shall-not-be-named)... I really think that I've begun to learn to love myself and to accept myself for who I am.
This relationship came to me BECAUSE I took the time to be alone and to heal. I'm firmly convinced of that.
Greg is a beautiful ADDITION to my life. But he's not "my life". If that makes sense. :)
totally makes sense, and i believe everything you just said and in the order it occurred. nice to see you getting out and about too! i never heard of you doing all these fun things in the city, so it's great to see you getting out and enjoying yourself, and the company!!
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