There are several points during the day where I often have too much time to think. The shower is one of them, and I believe that I've mentioned such shower ruminations in previous posts. Another place that I often have too much time on my hands is during my morning and evening rides on the commuter train that I catch to work (though the evening commute is more of an exhausted review of how my workday went more than anything else).
This morning, for some reason, I got to thinking about a situation that had happened in my days of running a bulletin board. I was a sad, lonely 22-year-old that was disillusioned by life and uncertain of the future. My only social life then (as now) was with people that I'd never met except over a telephone line (in those days, the Internet was a dialup modem - I know, I know, I'm old. Sue me, bitches). Anyhow, one of the people that used to call my bulletin board and I got to talking, and we decided to meet up.
I think you all know how this story's going to end. But it was significant because it wasn't an "instant dump", you understand. It wasn't at all like that. This guy led me on for a period of weeks, including letting me stay and sleep over at his house for nearly two weeks straight. All the time professing that "he really liked me", "he really cared about me", "he wasn't like other guys". You know. All of the sugar-coated bullshit that stupid idiots like me swallow in the hopes that for once, someone is telling me the truth.
I remember this so well because it was around Christmastime. I remember going to Eastpoint Mall a couple of days before Chrsitmas of 1994 to look for "just the right present" for him because I was stupidly head-over-heels. Did I get something? I don't really remember if I did or not, that part is fuzzy and vague. What I do remember is him laughing at me days later saying that it was all a lie, that he only wanted sex and now that he'd gotten what he came for, it was all over with, don't bother him anymore, etc.
The depth of the heartbreak was indescribable. But it wasn't because of HIM, really - I could have gotten over that. No, it was the feeling of being foolish enough to trust, that I made myself vulnerable, that I dared to let down the ever-present brick wall around my heart that I'd been steadily building for years. It was that I'd been stupid enough to believe that someone really meant what they said.
Nearly 17 years later, it still burns. It still hurts.
There's been a thousand people since that day, there's been a few that have pulled the same wool over my eyes (though I've never made myself that vulnerable ever again). But somehow this particular incident still sets me to crying bitter tears. I don't know why, really. Is it because the deception lasted for monthss on end? Is it because I really did believe those words? I guess that I'll never really know.
The memories are with me still. The sawdust from where his father was rebuilding his house. The music that played, the waterbed that was more or less the only furniture in the room besides the television and a stereo. The phone calls to my mother in a half-happy daze that no, I wouldn't be back home this evneing, I'll see you tomorrow, bye (only tomorrow was 2 weeks later)... it's all as crystalline as the days it happened.
So is the pain.
I really don't know why this memory came to mind now - I haven't thought about this guy for years. Perhaps I saw something that triggered it, or heard a piece of an old song. Either way, it's something that I felt I had to share, to get out, to try and vanquish from ever having any type of comtrol over my mind or feelings ever again.
Do I hate this person? I used to, with all of my heart, but these days I can say that I don't. Partially because of what happened to him in the end, but also because I've purged the immediate feelings from my soul. I wouldn't go back again, even if I had the chance to "make it right" (not that that's my job, anyway, if it falls to anyone to "make it right" it should be him). Would I want an apology at this point in time? I don't know if I can answer that question, because I don't really expect that an apology will ever come. Some days I think that I'd just hear him out, and then just spit it all back into his face - those are the days where I feel I can't forgive any of what happened to me. Would I talk to him? Maybe, if I had the opportunity.
I used to feel really guilty about not being able to forgive those that have hurt me, because the overwhelming society view is that you should. But.... some things can't be forgiven, or forgotten. I think that it's going to be a long, long time before I forgive .... if ever. And that's as fine as paint with me.
So what DID happen to this guy in the end?
The last that I had heard, he was serving a life sentence in prison. For murder.
Great choices he made, weren't they?
When I look at that fact, combined with what I know now, and the future that he COULD have had - with me - if he'd been honest with me from the beginning.... maybe the payback has already happened.
And for those of you who remember that time period... that's the REAL story behind what happened with "The Wandering Jester" (or Bill, if you want to attach a real name behind it). Think about it before you say that I'm wrong for hating him.
'nuff said.
2 comments:
i guess over the years, my "hate" has turned to pity. i've watched the assholishness of my exes turn against them.
when i was a teen, i remember the man i had dated for a year tell me "well, that's your problem now isn't it?" after i told him i loved him. he recently contacted me on facebook and made it a point to tell me how he's been married for 6 yrs, and how that's more than my first marriage lasted. what i found ironic is that i know he's a cronic cheater, so his gloating meant nothing. he was obviously looking me up to hook up, just like he did when i was in my 20's, and i fell for it, only to find out he had a serious gf, who contacted me after finding my number, and she ended up dumping him.
it's amazing how these people never change, and no matter what you do, or how you try to move on, those burning words these particular pricks say leave scars. i'm freakin 37 and what that man said to me when i was 16 still rings in my ears on how emotionless and uncaring some people can be.
yes, ppl say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and true, i don't forget anything, but i think "forgiving" him turned my hate to almost a cynical pity for him, and for others that have hurt me in my life. because the way i look at it... they will never again be allowed the privaledge of having me in their life!! just has he no longer has you.
You wouldn't be the first or last person to be led on by an smooth operator on a BBS or on the internet. Certainly not the first woman to believe a man loves you when all he wants is sex. Doesn't make it suck or hurt any less.
That being said, consider yourself lucky he discarded you quickly. Anyone in jail for murder is not someone you want to live with long term. If he had remained in your life he could have kept hurting you and not just emotionally.
It happens to the best of us to fall for absolute creeps. Especially when we're vulnerable. It's not a reflection on you, it's him who's the troll. It really sucks that you still hurt after all this time but hopefully having shared in this blog will have been cathartic for you and the hurt will be less.
Hugs
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