Y'know, I get so angry with myself when I feel dejected or depressed these days. But I tend to sometimes forget that I'm really not all that far out in my healing quite yet. Not even three months ago, I was seriously contemplating suicide as an answer to all of my troubles. So the fact that I haven't crumbled to pieces over the last couple of days where I haven't been feeling well, I think that's one hell of an accomplishment.
I had a full-blown, tear-filled depressive attack last night. We're talking wet, snotty bawling, heh. And I didn't get hardly any sleep whatsoever. But oddly, I feel a little better today for getting my emotions out. It occurs to me that I really don't do that enough, express how I'm feeling or anything like it. I still have a lot of difficulty with doing that, unfortunately, though I feel it's been a little better over the last few months.
WARNING: The squeamish need not continue reading from this point. Skip down to where it says "Yes, I'm a pussy, let me read the rest of it, thanks." :p
Some of the cause is undoubtedly physical in nature, though. (Yeah. I know you all wanted to know that. I'm a female, sue me.) I do wonder if "that" doesn't have something to do with why I'm all wound up like a defective robot. I have never had a problem with this in particular until I hit the age of 30 - then it all went to hell in a handbasket. We're talking pain, tension, acting like a grade-Z bitch, the works. I have no way of identifying WHEN this shit comes on, though, due to my irregular history of such things - so how can I give myself (much less anyone else) warning?
I know. I seriously need to go to the doctor and get it checked out, I've been aware of this for a long time. But I know why I won't.... and it all stems back to when I was about 12 years old and had my first OB exam at Planned Parenthood (weirdly, it used to be located a mere 2 blocks from where I live now - talk about going back in time). They hurt me so badly that I don't think I've had more than a couple of exams since. Sound bad? Yeah, it is. I've always had an exam when I think I'm about to become sexually active (which is so rare these days that it would be a major event on a calendar), but other than that? I desperately need someone for support to go with me, but as we all know, I have no one. Therefore... (shrug)
End of squeamish portion of the program. We now return you to your scheduled banality, already in progress.
At one point this year, I was looking into the possibility of bariatric surgery. There's no way I'm going to be able to get it - know why? Because one of the requirements of the program is that I have a support network - and I have no support whatsoever, from anyone. What am I going to tell them? "Oh, hey, I totally qualify for this surgery, only I don't have any family or friends to help me through what will be a permanent, life-altering change, sorry." Do you think they'll kick me out the door or laugh me out?
Oh, ugh, now I'm crying again. But it is what it is, folks. This is my sad, depressing reality. This is one of the many, many, many, many issues that I struggle with constantly on a minute-to-minute basis. The knowledge that my body is beginning to slowly, but surely, break down. The fact that I'm a year away from 40 and feel 30 years older. The fact that I literally have to learn how to think, talk, behave all over again because I was more or less abandoned from babyhood to raise myself. And the sad fact that there are still very few things that I take pleasure from or get excited about. The intensity of my apathy is fading... but it's still there.
And yet I'm still trying, like the optimistic fool that I can be. Am I foolish to hope for more than what I've managed to achieve?
Will 2011 really be different? Am I just wasting my time?
I guess there isn't anything I can do but forge ahead and find out.
1 comment:
I'm loving the line "And yet I'm still trying, like the optimistic fool that I can be."
It's a process, and you know there's no easy solution, but I personally think that 2011 will be better. Why do I think that? Because in 2010 I read more positive posts from you than ever, and I really think it can only go up from here. Sure you had your moments, but in reading through this year, you've overcome them quicker and with a more positive outlook than I've seen in years.
You're a tough cookie, woman, and it's an admirable trait. So have a cry, get it out, cleanse and wash away the pain. You're making so make great strides, and I love ya for it! *hugs*
Post a Comment