The weirdness has struck again.

I had a relatively peaceful weekend - for once I didn't have a lot of schoolwork to do or anything much to worry about, and I enjoyed it, to be certain.  But that all changed around 7 or so Sunday night.  My stomach started to ache to the point where I couldn't get to sleep very well, though my body finally gave up around 11pm or so.  But... I can still feel traces of the aching even now, and it's nearly Monday afternoon.  I think it's stress, though I can't imagine what I have to be stressed about.  Things are going as well as they can be going right now.  I don't have any external worries at the moment - my finances are in good shape, my depression is very much under control (I think), my job is going okay (even though I hate it, it's still not like there's any major crises happening or anything).  So why the hell do I feel so unhappy?

 

It's times like these that I feel like nothing I do makes a difference.  No matter how 'well' I do or how much I accomplish, I still feel empty inside, like everything is meaningless.  I could buy a house, achieve dizzying heights in my career (if taking urine can be considered a 'career', anyway), get the college degree, do everything I ever dreamed of doing - and somehow, none of it matters or has the ability to make me happy.  I don't know what to do about this gaping, huge wound in my soul.  Nothing fills it.  What the fuck is the matter with me?

 

Forgive me, as I'm obviously melancholy today.  I'm just really afraid that everything I'm doing is for naught, sometimes.  It doesn't help that my birthday falls in the next two weeks, because now I feel old and used up, just as I did last year - only now I'm OLDER and used up, heh.  I know, it just doesn't seem normal for me to feel old at this age... but I feel like I've seen it all.  Jaded, I guess you could say. 

 

I suppose that I'm just tired today.  Things will improve, including my mood, in time.  Everything will be all right.  Right now, the way I feel is better than I was this time last year, so I guess if one looks at it that way...

 

Later.