More ranting.

So, without getting too much into the subject, I had a very upsetting conversation with my mother yesterday about "why you don't talk to your brother anymore" and blah-blah.  You see, because our birthdays fall so close together (mine is unfortunately the day after his - as usual, it's not even about me on the day I was born, go figure), every year I'm subjected to what I call "the duty phone call".  Basically, I'm supposed to call my brother and wish him a happy birthday.  That's fine and dandy... but where's MY call?  Why am I "required" to call him but he never has to call me?  He has a phone and fingers that aren't broken.  It basically boils down, as usual, to "it's all about him".  He's not required to do a goddamn thing that's unpleasant.  And yes, I hate to say it, but it's the truth - talking to my family, for the most part, is unpleasant and it's something that I just deal with because I have to. 

 

I know.  That sounds really, really bad, especially now that my mother is sort of making an effort to try to repair what relationship there is left - but it's times like these that she just DOESN'T GET IT.  Every action that she took when I was a kid, it was to save his ass when he got it into trouble in the first place.  When I was 9 years old and had to leave the Catholic school that I loved because we had to move, it was because of MY BROTHER'S ACTIONS that it happened.  We moved to a roach box in Brooklyn because of HIS ACTIONS.  I ended up living with that fucking bitch of a girlfriend of his because, and I quote my mother, "I was afraid for your brother, I was afraid he'd do something drastic."  Uh... pardon me for saying this, but don't you think that trying to kill yourself (and nearly succeeding) at 15 is DRASTIC?  I'd say it is, wouldn't you?  Yet I didn't do what HE did - I just shut up and suffered it all alone, didn't I?  Just like I do now, sort of, isn't it?

 

As horrible as it sounds, I was molested at the age of 8 by a person that at one time was considered to be my brother's friend.  While I'm not going to try to lay THAT on my brother's doorstep... at the same time, I can't help but think the "if only, if only"...

 

Bah.  It no longer matters.  I'm just tired of being second fiddle to my brother, whether consciously or otherwise.  And I'm sick of letting this upset me, too.  Unfortunately, this shit is and has been a pivotal force in my life, where the injustice of all of it has been on my mind for decades. 

 

In additional upsetting family news, the whole conversation started because my brother is forwarding a birthday card to me - from my father.  Which is additional proof that no one fucking listens to me, because I specifically requested that my father no longer contact me in any way, shape or form - be it letters, cards or whatever.  Because, you see, my father never writes them.  It's my stepmother that writes them, and I don't want to hear from HER.  I want to hear from HIM.  And I never do. 

 

Besides... my father is 30 years too fucking late to make up for any of what he's done. 

 

Meh, sorry.  I know that I said earlier that I wasn't going to talk about any of this much, but I guess it's really upset me to the point where I have to get it out.  I'm just fucking tired of all of it. 

 

No other news, unfortunately.  Other than this bullshit, everything's fine.

 

At least I'm not a melting, screaming wreck.  That's something, anyway.