It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing. I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out. My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah). And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.
Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.
The truth is that there really isn't too much to say. I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far. I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month). I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever. I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute). My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government. Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).
The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances. I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this. Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up. I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc. So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end. It may never come to an end, at this rate.
So that's up in the air. But everything else, so far, is on track.
I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest). Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg. It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder. It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY." Know what I mean?
Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly. It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.) But it was incredible. I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.
Yes, I'm a beginner. But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick. There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress. My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.
This time, it's for me. This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.
The music helps. I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts. Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging. The song below is one of my newer favorites:
I marvel at how far I've truly come.
I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now. I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally. But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again. I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.
Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator. But... in the end, you know what? It's only useful when it helps me. I don't think about it beyond that.
I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here. But... my life is good. It's getting better. It's going to keep getting better.
:)
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