I've been in a bit of a bad place for the last couple of days.  I had originally written this post as dealing with one particular situation, but in truth, it's all a mix of several bad things that have happened to me over the course of years and years.  I don't actually feel sadness (although I sure have cried a lot this past week, more than usual), but more like a burning sense of injustice, I guess.  With the legal situation now disposed of, I have a bit more free rein to express myself, and I suppose that it's coming out in this fashion.  Not exactly the emotion that I would have selected, but that's what it turned out to be.  So be it.

I often think about those who have wronged me, and I think to myself that I want to shove it in their faces that I am not who they have thought me to be.  No one really knows me, anyway - not really.  I think that Greg might be one of the few that truly do, but even he doesn't know it all.  Not without living with me for years and years, anyway.

I don't know where I'm going with this, honestly.  Maybe I just want to put it all out there - you know, this is what I am, what I think, what I do.  I've been so fucking secretive for most of my life, and that's out of a sense of self-preservation.  After you're abused for years, you learn how to do that really well.  I'm tired of living under a shadow, though.  I'm tired of living behind a wall of something, whether it's alcohol, depression, weight, whatever.  I'm tired of hiding.

I shouldn't ever have had to.

I have no issue with my life now - it's going in the right direction.  But I do have an issue with my past, it's always my past.  The things that you do, you can't escape them, you can't hide from them.  Well, maybe it's time for me to deal with them, head-on.

Do I want to return to those times?  I don't know... sometimes.  In hindsight... well, you know.  I wouldn't have done a lot of the things that I've done.

I need to explore all of this.  It's going to take time.